Daniel's Desire

Molly’s heart promptly melted at the girl’s rush to defend herself. “I know that. But we do have to talk, okay?”

Kendra nodded.

“Watch TV or something till I come back. Whatever you do, don’t come back downstairs tonight.”

“Is that man coming back?”

“I doubt it,” she said, then felt compelled to add, “but Daniel’s unpredictable.” She’d learned that the hard way.

Even though he was feeling cranky and completely out of sorts, Daniel detoured past his parents’ house on his way home. He told himself he wasn’t going to go inside, not when he was still worked up by his conversation with Patrick and his war of words with Molly, but as soon as he saw that every light in the house was blazing, he changed his mind and pulled into the driveway. Checking on his parents had become a nightly ritual, one he couldn’t break so easily.

Worried by all the lights, he ran up to the front door and let himself in, calling out for his mother and father as he entered.

Inside, nothing more seemed out of the ordinary. The house was filled with the scent of dinner…pot roast, if he wasn’t mistaken. The TV was blaring from the living room, a testament to the fact that his father’s hearing was worsening, though he refused to admit it.

Since he wasn’t up to competing with the evening news for his father’s attention, he wandered into the kitchen and found his mother just removing the roast from the oven. She jumped when he spoke to her.

“Daniel Devaney, are you trying to scare ten years off my life?” she demanded, a hand pressed to her chest. A pink blush tinted her pale complexion and gave her more color than usual.

“Sorry, Mom,” he said, grinning. “I thought you heard me come in. I yelled for you.”

“Who could hear a thing over that racket from the TV?” She brushed a strand of still-black hair back from her face and studied him. “You look tired and worried. Can I fix you something to drink? Dinner will be ready in a few minutes. Will you be staying?”

He shook his head. “I’ve already eaten. I had a bowl of chowder over at Jess’s.”

Her blue eyes filled with curiosity. “Oh? What were you doing there?”

“Business,” he said, but he could see that she didn’t believe him any more than Patrick had. “It’s true. Molly’s got a runaway hiding out over there.”

“Seeing Molly must have been awkward for you,” she said, watching his face intently.

“And then some,” he admitted. If she’d known the whole story, she would have realized just how awkward. He’d never told her the reason behind the long-ago breakup, most likely because he’d been too embarrassed and ashamed of his part in Molly’s miscarriage, to say nothing of the fact that he’d inadvertently left Patrick to deal with the fallout.

“I don’t suppose…” she began wistfully, avoiding his gaze.

He knew what she was asking. “Yes, Mom, I saw Patrick.”

“How is he?” she asked. “Is he well? Is he happy? Was his wife there?”

It made his heart clench to hear the eagerness in her voice. If Patrick had heard it, he’d never have been able to stay away as long as he had. “Alice wasn’t around, but he’s well and happy, I think. He still doesn’t say much to me.”

“And that’s our fault, your father’s and mine,” she said with apparent regret. “I’m sorry for that, Daniel. You two were always so close. If I could change things, I would.”

“You could tell him—tell both of us—why you and Dad left our brothers in Boston and brought us here with you.” It was the first time since the night he’d made the discovery that he’d put the question to her so bluntly.

“How would that help?” she said, tears in her eyes. “It was so long ago. You were little more than babies.”

“We could try to understand, at least. Mom, you are going to have to come up with answers sooner or later. Ryan, Sean and Michael will come here eventually, and they’ll insist on it. If you try to stonewall them, it will end any chance of a reconciliation for this family.”

Her gaze turned toward the living room, and worry creased her brow. “Your father…he can’t cope with that, Daniel.”

“He’ll have to,” Daniel said, his own gaze unrelenting for once. “You owe them, and us, an explanation. Maybe once all the secrets are out in the open, this family can finally start to heal. Don’t you want that?”

“Of course I do, it’s just that your father feels so much guilt,” she said. “He blames himself for everything that happened, even though we made the decision together. You can’t possibly imagine how difficult it was, Daniel. No one can.”

“Then tell us. Help us to make sense of it. I always thought you and Dad were such good, honorable people. Is it any wonder that this secret of yours took Patrick and me by surprise? What you did was so completely out of character.”

She shook her head, as stubborn as all of the Devaneys. “It’s up to your father. He’s locked that part of our lives away, and I can’t go against his wishes.”

“But you can talk to him, persuade him that talking about this is for the best. What you did back then is still having repercussions today.”

“You said Ryan, Sean and Michael seemed happy and well-adjusted when you met them,” she said defiantly. “And Patrick’s married now, too. How bad can the repercussions be? They’ve all moved on with their lives. Some of them even have children of their own now.”

“They moved on in spite of what happened, Mom. It’s not as if they made peace with it. And those children are your grandchildren. Don’t you want to do whatever you can to be a part of their lives?”

“I’m sure your brothers would never allow that,” she said, her expression bleak.

“But they might. Isn’t it worth taking a chance? And what about me? I’ve lost four brothers and the woman I loved because of what happened all those years ago.”

She gasped at that. “What does you breaking up with Molly have to do with anything your father and I did nearly thirty years ago?”

“It just does,” he said. “Take my word for it. The decision you and Dad made has cost all of us. Maybe it’s cost the two of you most of all.”

“We’ve learned to live with our choice,” she told him, still not backing down.

“And that means you have no regrets?” he asked bitterly.

“Of course we have regrets. We’ve had regrets every day of our lives since we left Boston, but we can’t go back in time and undo what we did.”

“You can’t undo it, but you can make it bearable for the rest of us.”

She reached out to touch him, hesitated, then drew back. “Talking about it might make things worse. Have you considered that?”

“How? How can the truth possibly be any worse than the explanations that each of us has been forced to consider? Were Ryan, Sean and Michael so unlovable? Or did you just draw straws and choose me and Patrick? Were we cuter than the others? Or less trouble? Maybe you meant to leave us behind, too, but we clung too tightly.”

Tears were spilling down her cheeks as he spewed out all the questions that had tormented him, questions he knew that his brothers must have asked themselves a million and one times, as well. How could boys of nine, seven and five have been expected to cope with being abandoned? It would have been natural for them to have blamed themselves, to have grown up thinking they didn’t deserve to be loved. It was a miracle they’d opened their hearts to anyone.

“Oh, Daniel, don’t do this,” she whispered. “Not to yourself. Not to us.”

“Why not, Mom? You and Dad did it to us.” He pushed away from the table. “I’ve got to get out of here.”

“Daniel, don’t leave. Not like this.”

“I can’t stay.”

“At least say hello to your father before you go,” she pleaded.

“I can’t. If I do, I’ll say something I’ll regret.”