If Tomorrow Comes

Amy was looking at her with hurt eyes. ‘I’m not hungry any more.’

‘All right. I’ll read to you, then.’

As Tracy started to read, she felt Amy’s soft little hand on hers.

‘Can I sit on your lap?’

‘No.’ Get your affection from your own family, Tracy thought. You don’t belong to me. Nothing belongs to me.

The easy days away from the routine of the prison somehow made the nights worse. Tracy loathed returning to her cell, hated being caged in like an animal. She was still unable to get used to the screams that came from nearby cells in the uncaring darkness. She would grit her teeth until her jaws ached. One night at a time, she promised herself. I can stand one night at a time.

She slept little, for her mind was busy planning. Step one was to escape. Step two was to deal with Joe Romano, Perry Pope, Judge Henry Lawrence, and Anthony Orsatti. Step three was Charles. But that was too painful even to think about yet. I’ll handle that when the time comes, she told herself.

It was becoming impossible to stay out of the way of Big Bertha. Tracy was sure the huge Swede was having her spied upon. If Tracy went to the recreation room, Big Bertha would show up a few minutes later, and when Tracy went out to the yard, Big Bertha would appear shortly afterwards.

One day Big Bertha walked up to Tracy and said, ‘You’re looking beautiful today, littbarn. I can’t wait for us to get together.’

‘Stay away from me,’ Tracy warned.

The amazon grinned. ‘Or what? Your black bitch is gettin’ out. I’m arrangin’ to have you transferred to my cell.’

Tracy stared at her.

Big Bertha nodded. ‘I can do it, honey. Believe it.’

Tracy knew then her time was running out. She had to escape before Ernestine was released.

Amy’s favourite walk was through the meadow, rainbowed with colourful wildflowers. The huge artificial lake was nearby, surrounded by a low concrete wall with a long drop to the deep water.

‘Let’s go swimming,’ Amy pleaded. ‘Please, let’s, Tracy?’

‘It’s not for swimming,’ Tracy said. ‘They use the water for irrigation.’ The sight of the cold, forbidding-looking lake made her shiver.

Her father was carrying her into the ocean on his shoulders, and when she cried out, her father said, Don’t be a baby, Tracy, and he dropped her into the cold water, and when the water closed over her head she panicked and began to choke …

When the news came, it was a shock, even though Tracy had expected it.

‘I’m gettin’ outta here a week from Sattiday,’ Ernestine said.

The words sent a cold chill through Tracy. She had not told Ernestine about her conversation with Big Bertha. Ernestine would not be here to help her. Big Bertha probably had enough influence to have Tracy transferred to her cell. The only way Tracy could avoid it would be to talk to the warden, and she knew that if she did that, she was as good as dead. Every convict in the prison would turn on her. You gotta fight, fuck, or hit the fence. Well, she was going to hit the fence.

She and Ernestine went over the escape possibilities again. None of them was satisfactory.

‘You ain’t got no car, and you ain’t got no one on the outside to he’p you. You’re gonna get caught, sure as hell, and then you’ll be worse off. You’d be better doin’ cool time and finishin’ out your gig.’