Danny Yates Must Die

‘They did?’

‘Subsidence. The town’s built over the world’s largest cave system. Don’t tell anyone I said so. I’ll deny it.’

‘You pulled me from the rubble. I never got a chance to thank you. Thank you.’

She frowned, recalling vaguely, ‘You were in the little comic shop?’

‘That’s the one.’ His spirits rose.

‘You’re Gary?’

‘Danny.’

‘Danny?’

‘Danny.’

Still pushing, she looked at him. ‘You’re the erection boy?’

‘There’s no need for embarrassment, Gary; I’m gorgeous. That’s not boasting, I have pie charts to prove I’m gorgeous.’ She strolled alongside Danny, hands loosely clasped behind her back, enjoying the sunset. ‘Upon meeting me, gay men turn straight, straight women turn lesbian. Straight men become ultra-heteros, setting themselves a helpless quest for my seduction, driven like lemmings by urges beyond their control. I feel sorry for them.’

Grunt, strain, wheel-squeak wheel-squeak. Teeth gritted, blood pressure soaring, Danny shoulder-pushed her rock heavy fridge up yet another stupid hill as best he could, already regretting having offered. The things he’d do to impress a girl. And she wasn’t impressed, he could tell. It was hard to be impressed by a man having a seizure.

Did girls go to these lengths to impress boys? If so, why didn’t boys ever notice? He studied her flawless face, unable to imagine her ever having had to go to any lengths to impress anyone.

She said, ‘Involuntary erection, in a young man with hormones still in full swing, is all but unavoidable in my presence. As a doctor, I’d be more concerned if you didn’t react that way. Close your eyes.’

‘Are you going to kiss me?’

She gave a look that suggested not. ‘Just close your eyes.’

He closed them.

‘Imagine me,’ she said.

‘Okay.’

‘Where do you see me?’

‘In a field.’

‘Surrounded by?’

‘Big toadstools.’

‘Next to?’

‘A rabbit warren.’

‘And I’m …?’

‘Lying by a burbling, little fountain.’

‘Am I naked?’ she asked.

No reply.

Again; ‘Am I naked?’

‘No.’

‘Am I in a state of near undress?’

‘No.’

‘Am I half dressed, like a brazen hussy, with you about to administer the seeing to I’m asking for?’

‘No.’

‘I should be.’

‘You’re not.’

‘That’d be the standard fantasy I’d induce in your personality type.’

‘It’s not mine.’

‘Are you telling me the truth, Gary?’

‘Yes.’

‘I don’t believe you.’

He opened his eyes. ‘Can we change the subject?’

‘To?’

‘Where’re we taking this fridge? You do know the council tip’s the other way?’

‘That’s where I got it. I’m taking it home. I want to test it.’

‘For?’

‘Time travel potential.’

‘Time …?’ At the hill’s crown, he stopped pushing. Worn out, he leaned back against the fridge, sank to his knees and tried to regain his breath. The world was purple and spinning.

She dropped the door wedge to the ground, kicking it into place beneath a fridge castor. ‘You probably know time can be frozen. You may have done it yourself, setting your freeze box to nought degrees Kelvin; Absolute Zero. A switch, on the back of all fridges, allows you to do so. Amazingly, most people don’t even know it’s there, not having bothered to read the instructions fully. Flick it left, time stands still. Flick it right, time accelerates. But what if you lower temperatures further, into negative values? Then time runs backwards.’