The Secret of Happy Parents: How to Stay in Love as a Couple and True to Yourself

It doesn’t have to be like this. The bestseller Tuesdays with Morrie, by Mitch Albom, tells about an old man, a college teacher, who is dying from a slowly paralysing disease. This old man was so loving and interesting and had built up so many dear friendships, that even though he could barely move or even breathe properly, his house was crowded with people, full of love, and he was ‘teaching’ to the very last – about life and how to live it. Perhaps you know someone just like this, who as they get older seem to get more full of life; not pushed to the edges. You delight in their company whenever you get the chance.

So it seems there are two ways through life. And when you get old it will become very clear which path you have taken. If you choose to make time for love in your life, then love will come back to you when you are old and in need of it. If you focus in on yourself and your own wants and needs, then you had better save lots of money, ‘cos no-one is going to care for you much unless you pay them!

The three big questions

These days no-one really expects, when they die, to rise up above the clouds, queue up at some rhinestone encrusted gates and get a quick resume from a bearded guy in a sheet! But in the second half of life, you do start to ask the big questions, like ‘How did I do?’ It’s a good question, and it gets more urgent over time. In the last hours and seconds of your life, these three questions will be centre stage in your thoughts:

1. Do my children still love me, or even like me?

2. Did my partner (or partners) love me, and do they still?

And lastly, the most important of all,

3. Do I love (or even like) myself?

In the end it will be the answers to these questions that will mean you die in joy, or in desolation. The time to do something about these questions is NOW.

The ingredients of a life well lived

Life can be so busy that you never get to look at the big picture. One way to take back some control is by listing the major dimensions of your life and giving them a check-over.

These dimensions might look something like this:

Marriage/partnership

Parenthood

Self-care and self-expression

Community involvement

Friendships

Meaningful work

These are the six pillars of human life, but you don’t need all six of them. You can survive on one. Any two can be quite good fun for a while. You probably need three to be really alive. If you have all six, you’re probably overdoing it, and should take a holiday immediately.

PRACTICAL STEP 2: THE ‘GET A LIFE’ QUESTIONNAIRE

(Why not take a minute to find a pen or pencil, as this simple evaluation may turn out to be the start of a whole new life, and you wouldn’t want to miss out just because your kids took all the pens away!)

Please rate yourself from 0 to 5 on the following:

Marriage/partnership You have a lively and dynamic relationship with one person which incorporates affection, sexuality, co-operation, fun, hard work and healthy arguments,

Parenthood You are involved in raising some children, whom you spend lots of time with and feel a sense of enjoyment and pride in, even though they are constantly challenging your limits and stretching your abilities.

Self-care and self-expression You have space and time to reflect, enjoy yourself, explore interests, breathe in and be yourself.

Community involvement Noticing what a selfish and unjust world we live in, you take on some activities that give service to others, or in some cause which you see as ultimately important to the human race.

Friendships Over a long period you have made some really special friends. You find time at least monthly to hang out with these people and at least weekly to talk on the phone, and feel the relaxation of sharing problems, laughs, dreams, projects, and enjoying their partners and children where appropriate,

Meaningful work Paid or voluntary, full or part-time, you support yourself and make a contribution to human life. What matters is whether it has meaning, purpose, and is something you can believe in.

Interpreting the results should be pretty obvious – you can soon see what’s missing. If you want to add up the score: 15 means you are going well; 20, you are probably really happy; 25, you are hyperactive!; 10 means life is a bit neglected; 5 – well, you are still breathing, but not exactly living. You must be tough to still be alive, so use some of that toughness to get some happiness into your life. Time for some changes!

Sadly we can’t deal with all these life issues in one book. So from here on we will focus down to points one and two: marriage and relationships, and raising kids. Because 80 per cent of people are in this situation, it’s a good place to start.

A life to be proud of

In many cultures a family is a source of pride, but for Westerners our most fervent hope when we go out with our family is usually just to avoid embarrassment! In our culture we are not encouraged to be proud of our parenthoodor our children. Think about it for a moment; if your children visit you at your workplace, do you glow with pride or do you wince and try and hide them away? To travel with young children in Australia, England or the US, especially on public transport, is to be in a state of perpetual apology. Yet in Asia, Southern Europe, Africa or Latin America children are a passport to instant friendliness, generosity and compliments.

Family life used to be honoured. In the ancient societies, such as the Vedic culture of India, to cultivate a lifelong erotic and companionable relationship, to lovingly and attentively raise children, to earn a simple livelihood, to prepare food and keep house with art and style, was revered and respected. ‘Huh!’ you’re saying. ‘Nobody reveres me much!’ You may well have come to feel that family life is ordinary. After all, you are just doing the same as everyone else. It’s an easy mistake to make – after all, what’s enlightening about rushed meals, Marmite stains on your clothes and sleep deprivation? From nappies to teenage rave parties, it all looks like one big chance to fail. Yet think about this for a moment. Would you rather be rich, powerful, influential, famous or loved? And is being loved something that you would be willing to earn?

Family life can be drudgery, but it can also be the making of you as a wonderful human being, and partly this is a matter of your attitude. Parenting is a profession. Marriage is a consummate art. So they will take a little time to master. Accept you are a learner like every single other person on the earth. Forget about self-development workshops, growth weekends and improvement courses. Being a parent will teach you assertiveness. You’ll get relaxation training (in the guise of fatigue!). You’ll acquire communication skills, aerobic exercise, time management, inner-child work, and every other kind of self-development you could ask for, in a twenty-year, non-stop marathon.

The root and the flower

Life has natural priorities which cannot be bypassed. You must start with those things that are fundamental: food, sleep, exercise, time to reflect, the love of those close to you. If the basics are not nurtured, nothing else you do is grounded or, if one continues for long enough down this track, things, literally, become insane …

We once went to a meeting of a youth refuge committee. The new staff person hired by the committee ran out to the car park to meet us and to say what a rough day he’d had, he hadn’t even had time to go to the toilet! During the meeting, he became increasingly defensive and agitated, and later that night was hospitalized with a psychotic episode. Eventually he rested up and got better. Steve couldn’t help thinking, that man really should have gone to the toilet!

Everyone today talks about balancing work and family, but it’s a misconception. It isn’t just about balancing two equal sides – one is the root, the other is the flower. If you don’t feed the roots, there won’t be many flowers.

Back in 1984 as we sat talking and preparing the first edition of this book, our baby son would often start calling to be picked up. The writing work was engrossing and important to us, but a baby can’t help being a baby! We put away the writing, and a child’s needs were met.

So! You’ve chosen the path called family and sometimes it gets hard. You may not have known that it was a pathway to making you a complete human being. You may have thought it was just ordinary. Now you understand that you’re climbing the biggest, most glorious mountain there is, it may make both the struggles worthwhile, the view worth slowing down to enjoy, and the delights a little clearer to you.

The chapters that come next will spell out how love works, in couple relationships, and with children. They are arranged to follow the natural life cycle of a family:

2. Understanding early attraction

3. Why we choose one person over any other

4. How to understand and navigate ‘commitment’

Then we move on to the deepening relationship questions:

5. What kind of couple are you going to be?

6. How to solve conflicts without compromising yourself

7. The importance of fights and how they break through to new honesty

8. Adding kids to the picture, and how this sets off a new level of self-exploration

9. The sex-romance alliance and how to fuel the fires that will burn you free