The Key Ingredient

Martin became the topic of my senior project, a short documentary film. After it was posted on the internet, the film went viral, and we were offered the opportunity to film a pilot with an option for more episodes of a cooking show for a new start-up network. The day we got the green light he picked me up and danced me around the room, and then he kissed me long and hard. It was a good kiss. A really, really good kiss, full of promise. But no. This is work. This is our shot. We can’t screw this up.

Still, I catch myself fantasizing about being a pair on-screen. The Sonny and Cher of the kitchen. The culinary Captain & Tenille. Martin admits he fantasizes about the two of us off-screen.

While in the development phase, we filmed some test reels with me in the role of cohost, but they claimed my ‘look’ wasn’t right for the series. I still remember how I felt, hearing that. As if I’d swallowed a ball of ice and had to pretend nothing was wrong. In show business you can’t take things like that personally. And you can’t argue with the executive producer, AKA the owner of the show.

Above all, you can’t worry that the idea you created is now at the mercy of a committee of production and network executives whose chief aim is to attract sponsorship dollars. In commercial TV, that would be the key ingredient. Already, I can feel the creative control slipping away as they talk about future episodes, going over the top with expensive stunts, like diving for oysters, foraging for truffles or milking a Nubian goat. I’m starting to wonder what happened to the original concept for the show. Sometimes it feels as if the original idea is being overshadowed by theatrics and attention-grabbing segments that were never part of my initial vision.

Then I remind myself of how lucky I am just to have been in the right place at the right time with the right talent. Most people my age only dream of getting such a great start in the business. It’s only the beginning.

They cast Melissa Judd in the role of cohost. Martin met her in his yoga class. Her former gig was hawking kitchen gadgets on a late-night shopping network, but apparently her look is perfect for our show’s target demographic. She’s blonde and beautiful – which makes up for the fact that her delivery tends to be shrill and overwrought.

To her credit, she’s a hard worker and a quick learner. I should know. It was my job to train her to be more genuine on camera, to play up her natural chemistry with Martin. I did a good job, because their on-screen chemistry is amazing. So amazing that I sometimes feel threatened by it.

As our van with the crew trolls through the main part of Switchback, I start to worry about the weather. The sky is bulging with low, grey clouds and rain hisses against the windshield. It’s not the sort of blue-sky, snow-dusted weather we were hoping for. But this time of year you take your chances.

I sneak glances at the others in the van. Martin has his head pillowed on a wadded-up jacket, still sleeping off the redeye flight. He sleeps like a dream, a trait I envy. Melissa is coming down with a cold – not the best thing when you’re about to go on camera. She’s been using decongestant and eyedrops all through the trip. At the moment, she’s absorbed in her phone screen, posting snippets on social networks so the world can follow along on her adventure. I spotted her latest mobile shot – a sign bearing the town slogan – Welcome to Switchback. Once you Switch, you’ll never go Back. Her caption: Hi there, adorable Vermont village. We’re about to film something sweet! #thekeyingredient

I’ve been told that I do mornings very well. I love the morning light streaming in through the windows. I love the rich aroma of fresh coffee. Martin does mornings well, too; he’s a fantastic chef who can put together a quick sauté of surprising ingredients – say, smoked salmon and fresh peas, topped with a poached egg and horseradish crème fraîche. After something like that, the day opens up with possibility.

But this day?… I’m not so sure.

As the van slows down in the town centre, Martin wakes up, stretching his long, lean body and letting out a groan. ‘Are we there yet?’ he asks.

It’s not fair that he looks so good after a redeye flight. ‘Yep,’ I say. ‘Welcome to Switchback.’

‘Coffee,’ he says. ‘Is there coffee in Switchback?’

‘There’s a diner over there.’ I indicate the Star Lite Café, a Switchback institution since before I was born. After high school football games we used to go there for hot chocolate, sitting on the benches outside as the scent of autumn spiced the air.

They don’t have autumn in LA.

Martin rubs his jaw and gets out of the van. ‘Not how I pictured it,’ he says, holding out his hand to help me down.

I feel the need to apologize. Now that we’ve arrived I’m hit by a prickly feeling of unease. I wasn’t expecting to be nervous about returning to the small town where I grew up, surrounded by everyone who’s known me for years. In all the preproduction meetings, filming here seemed like the ideal way to launch the show. I’m starting to think Martin is right – maybe coming home to film the segment wasn’t the best idea after all. Maybe it’ll rile up a certain something from the past.

I just need to keep my head down and work.

The other van pulls up beside us. We’re parked in front of the white-painted courthouse that dominates the town square. I’m still in the yoga pants and oversized top I wore for flying. My assistant, Tiger, takes everyone’s order for coffee. The rain has slacked off, so I decide to wait outside with Martin.

‘We made it,’ he says with a grin. ‘I’m excited to meet your family, see the place where you grew up.’

I smile despite my nervousness. ‘Me, too. They’re going to love you.’ Everyone loves Martin. He’s smart and talented and charming. He’s the reason we got a shot at this show in the first place,

I glance across the street as Tiger goes into the diner. And the last person in the world I want to see is just coming out.

Melissa walks up to us. ‘Well, hell-ooo, handsome,’ she murmurs, watching him.

Fletcher Wyndham. He stands aside and holds the door for a woman carrying a toddler.

‘Oh darn,’ Melissa murmurs under her breath. ‘Taken.’

Is he ever.

Martin stiffens beside me, and I realize I’ve been staring. ‘Who’s that?’ he asks.

‘People I knew in high school,’ I quickly say. My stomach churns at the sight of them. I can’t keep myself from thinking they are the family I never had. The road I didn’t take.

His wife bends over the stroller as she tucks the little boy in. Fletcher looks across the street and spots me. We lock eyes and briefly freeze, electrified by surprise … and then recognition. In that moment, all the love and joy and heartache rush over me in a wave that leaves me weak, questioning all the choices I’ve ever made.

And then the moment passes, unacknowledged, and we both go our separate ways. He walks away with his family, and I turn to Martin and point out the town’s prettiest features – the covered bridge, the venerable courthouse, the old-fashioned shops. Still, the memories linger. I’m so sorry about what happened. So damned sorry. I’d give anything to wind the clock back and have that day over again.

It’s a universal sentiment after a disaster – regret. A fervent wish that you could have those moments back again, make a different choice, head in another direction.

The first time I saw Fletcher Wyndham up close was when he came up the mountain to see about a job during the sugar season. Our sugar bush is a big one, so each year we hire extra help – usually local kids from Switchback High School. If you get work during the sugar season you qualify for early release from school, because the season is short and intense and practically everyone in town has extra jobs to do.

The year Fletcher came to the mountain, I was a senior in high school, and with the clueless self-assurance only a teenager possesses, I’d applied to some of the best schools in the country and was waiting for one of them to welcome me with a fat scholarship. The last thing I was looking for at that moment in time was a reason to stay in Switchback.

Fletcher Wyndham was an intriguing mystery. It was rare for a new kid to show up out of the blue, and rarer still to enrol in a new school in the January of senior year. The moment he appeared, we all knew he was different. He had long hair and wore skinny jeans, high-top sneakers and a battered vintage jacket. He was so good-looking that girls would stare and nudge each other, pointing him out to their friends.

In a small town, you can have all the secrets you want, but people will still speculate. For instance, Fletcher moved here with just his father, and neither of them ever talked about Fletcher’s mother. Depending on which rumour mill you subscribed to, you could hear different stories: She was in Florida. In prison. In an insane asylum. I heard she was dead. I heard Fletcher’s father had murdered her. I heard Fletcher himself murdered her.

The day he came up to our place at Rush Mountain I felt a little thrill of excitement. Maybe this year, I thought, the sugar season would have some spice. My older brother, Kyle, hired him on the spot, of course. The sap was running like crazy and he needed lots of workers. Tapping the trees and collecting the sap was only the beginning. The fresh sap, which is mostly super-cold water, has to be brought to the sugar house and put into the reverse osmosis machine to remove a good portion of the water before it goes into the evaporator pans. It doesn’t take a lot of training, just a strong back and a willingness to work outside in crappy weather.

Since our own family history is rooted in scandal, I didn’t get why Mom was so worried about Fletcher Wyndham ‘drifting into town,’ as she termed it. I also didn’t get why knowing who your ‘people’ are is such a big deal. For example, everyone in Switchback knows Degan Kerry’s people; they’ve been around as long as the Rushes had, but they’re all sketchy, and Degan, who was in my grade at school, was the worst of the lot.

It did no good at all for me to point out to my mother that the way to get to know a person was to hang out with him. Thanks to the town gossip my mother was convinced that Fletcher Wynham was an express ticket to perdition.

That only made me want to know him all the more. And then, when he looked at me and grinned with a certain slant of his head, I started to want him in a more serious way. A maybe-you’ll-be-my-first-time way.

I had not yet experienced my first time. When I was in high school I stayed busy competing for blue ribbons at cooking contests and swim meets, my two favourite subjects. I was never the popular prom-queen kid in school. That role belonged to Celia Swank. She was that girl we all wanted to be, with dead-straight blonde hair and perfect boobs, and a way of laughing that made everyone else want to join in. She’d glide through the hallways of Switchback High, confident in the knowledge that every girl wanted to be her friend, and every boy wanted to nail her. She was the first of my friends to have sex – tenth grade – or at least, she was the first to talk about it.

As for me, I was determined to wait, not for marriage because that was too far away, but for the right guy. Gran told me – more than once, because I guess she wanted to make sure I heard – that after you give yourself to somebody in that way, you can’t get it back. So you’d better make sure you pick the right somebody.

My mom warned me to stay away from Fletcher Wyndham. ‘He and his father showed up out of nowhere,’ she said. ‘We don’t know anything about him. Where’s his mother? We don’t know who his people are.’

When your name was Rush and you grew up in Switchback, it was pretty obvious who your ‘people’ were. The first gallon of Sugar Rush Maple Syrup was produced in the 1800s by Elijah Rush, who claimed and named our mountain, high above the small village of Switchback.

There’s a daguerreotype portrait of old Elijah over the fireplace mantel – a sombre man with a mustache and muttonchop whiskers, broad shoulders and a piercing stare. When I was little, I used to imagine what his voice sounded like, and what books he liked to read. Did he have kitchen dance parties with his daughter, the way Dad used to do with me? Did he draw funny pictures like Mom did, to keep me amused? Did he play ‘Bill Grogan’s Goat’ on the old upright piano in the family room?

There’s a family rumour about old Elijah that’s most likely more than rumour. He was married for ten years, yet he and his wife never had a baby, not one. Then, all of a sudden, twin babies came along – a boy and a girl. The rumour stems from the fact that the appearance of the kids coincided with Elijah’s role in helping runaway slaves from the South.

Rush Mountain was a known ‘station’ on the Underground Railroad, which wasn’t a railroad at all, but an escape route. Lots of Vermonters, whether they were Quaker or not, were dedicated to freeing the slaves. Apparently, Elijah was dedicated to something more, because the babies were mixed race, judging by the only surviving photograph we have of them. Elijah’s wife, Clarissa, must have been a good sport about it, because she raised those babies as her own. I do wonder, even now, about their biological mother. Did she surrender the babies and keep running to Canada? Did she ever get to see them again?

I think the woman’s name was Jubetta Johnson. My grandpa pointed out a cryptic note in the fat family Bible we keep in a glass barrister case. On a certain page, in old-fashioned, spidery penmanship, someone wrote: Jubetta Johnson, arrived from parts unknown, and thence departed, 1861. And that’s the year the twins were born.

The house on Rush Mountain still has its secret staircase, located behind a movable bookcase in my childhood bedroom. During the Underground Railroad years it was used to access the root cellar, which in turn led to a tunnel that let out near a creek. According to the Switchback Historical Society, dozens of escaping slaves followed that creek into Canada – and freedom.

Having a secret staircase in the bedroom is enough to fire any kid’s imagination. The bookcase pushed against the wall has a hidden hinge, and if you trip the latch and move it just so, it pulls back just enough to slip behind with a flashlight. I didn’t mind the dank, fecund smell, or even the spiders running for cover, because it was the perfect hiding place. As a girl, I had an imaginary friend named Glory – an escaping slave in a homespun pinafore and high-button boots. She and her parents ran away from a cruel master in the Deep South to find freedom in Canada, but Glory stayed with me for quite a while. She told me about the red clay soil and palmetto trees, the okra and hominy cakes and red peas in a dish called Hoppin’ John, and black-eyed peas topped with spicy chow chow. Like me, Glory was overly preoccupied with food, and we perused library books about regional cuisine together. There was a time – right around the time of my parents’ divorce, I believe – when Glory was as real to me as my other best friend, a dog named Rocket.