“Of course I did,” he said. “I knew that the first night I slept in the mansion. Even at five, my pajamas were silk and the sheets were softer than anything I’d ever felt before. I had a huge bed, and a room full of new toys waiting for me.”
He’d never told her that. “You said the pajamas were cold.”
“They were. But I liked how they felt. I never felt like you were beneath me, Kerry. Not ever. To the contrary, I felt like I was a lowlife, ditching you like I did.”
She might have believed that ten—twenty—years before. Back when she’d still been foolish enough to hope that adulthood would free them to be together.
But if telling her his fanciful version of the truth got him out of her house, of her life, quicker, then she was all ears. “So why did you? Ditch me?”
“Because I was madly in love with you. And thirteen. When Payne caught us kissing… I was…hard…and embarrassed and I freaked out. How could I be in love? I was only thirteen. But you…you were like a siren or something, calling me to you. The strength of those feelings scared me. It wasn’t like I had anyone to talk to about it. But Payne had plenty to say about the kinds of boys who fooled around with the help. And what that did to the girls they fooled around with, too…”
She couldn’t let his words sink inside her, couldn’t let them get to that deep private place she no longer accessed. Didn’t even want them in her head. But there they were. Before she saw their danger, they’d already made their way between her ears. Couldn’t allow herself to feel anything for that thirteen-year-old boy who’d been so lonely in that big house with all the important people.
And so alone in the world.
She’d had Tyler. And her dad, who, while drunk most evenings, had always been clear in his love for his children. And in his desire to be there for them. He’d been a kind drunk. A strong worker. And a weak man.
Rafe had been made to act like a man at five.
Not that it changed anything. He’d been grown for a long time since then. Had had more than a decade with her back in town and not once had he made any attempt to seek her out. Not to apologize. Explain. Give any indication to her that she’d mattered at all. Not even when Tyler had died…
“What is all this?”
He’d seen “the wall.” When she’d let him in, she hadn’t even thought about the small part of the L-shaped living/dining area in her home. She’d only thought about not wanting anyone who knew her seeing her talking to Rafe Colton on her doorstep.
Hadn’t been able to bear the thought of having to answer questions.
Hadn’t wanted to bear the shame, even secretly inside, of knowing that she’d once ranked Rafe Colton at the very top of her list of loved ones. Ahead even of Tyler and her dad. Only to be cast off because she was “the help.”
The truck outside, she could find a way to explain. If she had to. The Coltons weren’t the only guys in Arizona who drove cool trucks. Expensive trucks.
“So, can you tell me what this is about?” Rafe was frowning as he moved along the wall, reading, she assumed.
“A case I’m working on,” she told him. “A cold case.”
Tyler wasn’t named on the wall.
Neither was Odin.
Rafe studied details anyway. And then turned around to see the folders on the table. Tyler’s name was big and bold right on top.
“I was told his death was an accident.”
Or a suicide. Both theories had spread through town. Officially it had been ruled an accident.
“He was murdered,” she told him, feeling like a traitor for even sharing that much with Rafe. She wasn’t the only one who’d suffered when Rafe deserted them. Tyler had idolized his older sister’s friend. Had been bereft without Rafe’s support, and what he’d viewed as Rafe’s protection.
“The school year after that last…summer, he was starting fourth grade,” she said aloud. Maybe for Tyler. Maybe because it just had to be said. “Being little for his age hadn’t been an issue in third grade. A lot of guys were still small. But by fourth grade, kids started picking on him. He came home all bloodied up one day and just kept saying, ‘I gotta tell Rafe, he’ll make ’em stop.’”
She could hear the words as clearly that night as the day they’d been said. “I had to physically hold him back from running up to the mansion to find you.”
She’d never been sure what Tyler thought Rafe could have done, even if he’d still been their friend. Since Rafe was older, it wasn’t like he was ever on Tyler’s elementary school campus.
But that had been the year that changed her little brother. He might not have been as big as the other boys, but he’d been smart. And he’d toughened up. By seventh grade he’d been running with the troublemakers who’d once made fun of him. Running them.
By the time she’d come home from college in Phoenix, he’d been running drugs, too, though she never got him to admit that. And he’d never been caught. She saw the money in his room, though.
And saw him getting high and drunk every night.
She’d been away getting an education, attending the police academy to make their little world a safer place for people without Rafes to protect them, and while she’d been gone, he’d turned into her father.
“He fell off a cliff, right?” Rafe was going through photos, having opened the folder without seeking permission first. So Colton-ish.
“He was driven up there and pushed off.”
He looked at her—studied her, more like it. “You sound sure about that.”
“I am sure. I just don’t have the evidence to prove it. Yet.”
“He was pulled off the mountain drunk more than once,” Rafe said softly, compassion in his gaze.
“How do you know that?”
“Because while you were gone…he was in high school…I made sure that he got back to the ranch, to your cabin, without Payne ever hearing about it.”
She’d wondered how Tyler had been so wild without being kicked off the ranch. He’d left on his own. After he’d graduated from high school.
“I made sure he stayed until he graduated,” Rafe added.
“I don’t believe that. Tyler would have said something…”
“He didn’t know. I…had a talk with one of the guys in your department, Spencer… The police made a deal with Tyler that he wouldn’t be charged with underage drinking as long as he stayed in school. And they watched over him, just happening to show up wherever he might be getting himself into trouble.”
Wow. Just… Wow.
What did you do with that piece of information?
How did you hate a guy who…
Not that you liked him, again, too much else had happened…
He’d looked after Tyler while she’d been gone. Had made sure her brother got his education.
She just couldn’t believe it.
Wished she’d known. And it still wasn’t enough. Didn’t make up for ditching them in the first place. For choosing wealth over love.
Because even if, as a kid, he’d felt he had no choice, five years after that last ultimatum, he’d been an adult. And yet he’d waited twenty-three years…