The So-called Human Race

THE PASSIONATE PURE FOOD EXPERT TO HIS LOVE

Come live with me, my own pure love,
And we will all the pleasures prove,
In passion unadulterated
And bliss that isn’t benzoated.

Love’s purest formula we’ll spell:
Our joys will never fail to jell.
The honeyed kisses we imprint
Will show of glucose not a hint.

Your Wiley will your food prepare,
And cook a meal to curl your hair;
And every morning you shall have a
Rare cup of genuine Mocha-Java.

And you shall have a buckwheat cake
Better than mother used to make,
And sirup from the maple wood —
Not a vile sorghum “just as good.”

The eggs, the bacon, and the jam
Shall he as pure as Mary’s lamb;
And nothing sans a pure-food label
Shall grace your matutinal table.

Oh, hearken to your Harvey’s suit,
And ’ware the phony substitute.
If pure delights your mind may move,
Come live with me and be my Love.

Prof. Brown of Carlton College complains that college faculties are concerned with the mental slacker and the laggard, that they have geared their machinery to the sluggard’s pace. True enough, but not only true of educational institutions. In a democracy everything is geared to the pace of the weak.

“As for authors,” sighs Shan Bullock, “their case is fairly hopeless. But I recognize that in the new democracy even average intellect has no place at present. The new democracy is on trial. Until it has proven definitely whether it sides with cinemas or ideals, there is not even a living for men who once held an honored place in the scheme of things. That is a dark saying, but I think it is true.”

We thought the doubtful honor was possessed by the United States, but M. Cambon declares that there is no other country where people take so little interest in foreign politics as they do in France.

A nervy Frenchman, M. Bourgeois, has translated “The Playboy of the Western World.” You can imagine with what success. “God help me, where’ll I hide myself away and my long neck naked to the world?” becomes “Dieu m’aide, où vais-je me cacher et mon long cou tout nu?”

The President of the Chicago Chapter of the Wild Flower Preservation Society wrote to the Department of Agriculture for a certain Bulletin on Forestry and another one on Mushrooms for the book table at their Exhibition in the Art Institute. In due time arrived 250 copies of “How to make unfermented grape juice” and 250 copies of “Hog Cholera.” Anybody want them?

OH, DON’T YOU REMEMBER SWEET MARY, BEN BOLT?

“What has become of Mary MacLane?” asks a reader. We don’t know, at this moment, but we remember – what is more important – a jingle by the late lamented Roz Field:

“She dwelt beside the untrodden ways,
Among the hills of Butte,
A maid whom no one cared to love,
And no one dared to shoot.”

The Montmartre crowd had a ticket in the Paris municipal election. The design on the carte d’electeur was a windmill, with the legend below, “Bien vivre et ne rien faire.” This would do nicely for our city hall push.

Is there another person in this wicked world quite so virtuous as a chief of police on the day that he takes office?

INDIFFERENCE

Said B. L. T. to F. P. A.,
“How shall I end the Line to-day?”
“It’s immaterial to me,”
Said F. P. A. to B. L. T.M. L. H.

Let it, then, go double.

Mr. Dubbe’s Program Study Class

(ACCOMPANYING THE SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA CONCERTS.)

Reported by Miss Poeta Pants

I. – THE NEAPOLITAN SIXTH

Mr. Criticus Flub-Dubbe’s program study class began the season yesterday afternoon with every member present and keenly attentive. After a preparatory sketch of old Italian music, Mr. Dubbe told us about the Neapolitan Sixth, which, he said had exercised so strong an influence on music that, if Naples had never done anything else, this alone would have insured to the city fame in history.

“The Neapolitan Sixth,” said Mr. Dubbe, “is so called because the composers of the Neapolitan school of opera were the first to introduce it freely. D. and A. Scarlatti were at the head of the school and were well-known musicians. Bach, who was not so well known, also used this sixth.”

“Which used it first?” asked Mrs. Givu A. Payne.

“Bach, of course,” replied Mr. Dubbe. “Bach used everything first.”

“Dear old Bach!” exclaimed Miss Georgiana Gush.

“The Neapolitan Sixth,” continued Mr. Dubbe, “is usually found in the first inversion; hence the name, the sixth indicating the first inversion of the chord.”

“How clever!” said Mrs. Gottem-Allbeat.

“It is an altered chord, the altered tone being the super-tonic. The real character of the chord is submediant of the subdominant key; that is, it is a major chord, and the use of such a major chord in the solemn minor tonalities is indicative of the superficiality of the Italian school – a desire for a change from the strict polyphonic music of the times. Even the stern Bach was influenced.”

“The Italians are so frivolous,” said Mrs. Boru-Stiffe.

“A reign of frivolity ensued,” went on Mr. Dubbe. “Not only was Italian music influenced by this sixth, but Italian art, architecture, sculpture, even material products. Take, for example, Neapolitan ice-cream. Observe the influence of the sixth. The cream is made in three color tones – the vanilla being the subdominant, as the chord is of subdominant character; the strawberry being the submediant, and the restful green the lowered supertonic or altered tone.”

“What is the pineapple ice?” asked Miss Gay Votte.

“The pineapple ice is the twelfth overtone,” replied Mr. Dubbe.

“There doesn’t seem to be anything that Mr. Dubbe doesn’t know,” whispered Mrs. Fuller-Prunes to me with a smile.

I should say there wasn’t!