Confessions from a Luxury Liner

‘You’re not nice when you’re sarcastic,’ says Sid. ‘What’s it got in it, anything worth nicking?’

‘They’re going to trace us from the car,’ I bleat. ‘Oh my gawd. Why didn’t I stop at home and watch World in Agony? I can’t stand doing any more bird.’

‘Fifty quid!’ says Sid, thumbing through a bundle of notes he has produced from one of the pockets of the jacket. ‘Blimey, he must have been planning to buy Britain.’

‘We’ll have to send it back,’ I say, getting desperate. ‘I don’t want to get lumbered with that.’

‘Umm,’ says Sid. ‘We’ll have to see.’ He puts the money in his back pocket and produces another piece of paper. ‘This is interesting. “Memo to cabin staff. Owing to the breakdown of the refrigeration system, the ship will call at Southampton for repairs. Crew members who obtain passes from me will be allowed ashore until 0600 hours on the 24th. P.Pervis, Purser. SS Tern”.’

‘Lucky swines,’ I say. ‘That’s where we ought to be.’

‘Just what I was thinking,’ says Sid thoughtfully. ‘It’s Waterloo for Southampton, isn’t it?’

‘What are you on about?’ I say. ‘You’re not thinking of taking their places, are you?’

‘This seems like as good a time as any to take our leave of the old country,’ says Sid. ‘I can always send Rosie a postcard from Port Said.’

‘But what about when the other blokes roll up?’ I say. ‘The police aren’t going to hold them, are they?’

‘I don’t know so much,’ says Sid. ‘One of their suitcases burst open during our little frackarse and I couldn’t help clocking a butcher’s at the contents.’

‘Three month’s dirty washing?’ I say.

‘Not so much as a soiled cuff let alone an unmentionable stain,’ says Sid. ‘Watches.’ He dives a hand into his pocket and produces a flash job with a metal bracelet and enough dials to launch a space probe. ‘Handsome, isn’t it? There were about two hundred like that.’

‘And you nicked one, Sid? That’s downright dishonest. You don’t have any scruples, do you?’

‘I got one for you as well,’ says Sid.

‘Oh.’ It’s difficult to know what to say, isn’t it? I don’t want to hurt Sid’s feelings even though he has been naughty. A generous impulse should not be punished, especially when in Sid’s case it may never be repeated. I shove the watch deep into my pocket and clear my throat. ‘Ta, Sid. You think they were – er, half-inched, do you?’