Beautiful Child: The story of a child trapped in silence and the teacher who refused to give up on her

Wearily, I pried everyone apart and forced them into chairs.

Chapter Five (#ulink_8ce28d15-e4e8-5037-82f3-0eed6807530f)

The rest of that week passed in relentless chaos, and I spent most of it in damage control rather than teaching.

Every time the children came into the classroom, they had to remove their shoes. Of course this made getting ready for recess, lunch, and going home a pain, as only Billy and Jesse could tie their own shoes. However, it gave me the first small way to force bonding upon them because I made Billy and Jesse responsible for tying the twins’ shoes and nobody could leave until it was done. Fortunately Venus usually wore slipon shoes. I wouldn’t have trusted her to let anyone help her.

For the first time in my career I was maintaining not one “quiet chair” but five – one for each student – because they all had a knack for getting into one big fistfight together. Not a single day went by that week without my needing to use all five simultaneously at some stage. Indeed, most of the first three days were spent “sitting on chairs,” as Billy termed it.

Bemused by having four feisty boys with cowboy names, I decided I’d capitalize on that in my efforts to bond us together as a group. I decided we’d become a cowboy “gang.” We’d think up a name and a code of behavior and some fun things to do together to denote our “belonging-ness” and that would be the beginning of group harmony.

Unfortunately, no one told the kids that was the point of it.

I realized my mistake immediately. While cowboy gangs meant belonging and being loyal to an agreed code of ethics and sticking up for one another, they also meant guns and shooting and lots of macho behavior. In a word, outlaws. Not something I needed to encourage! It was Jesse who first noticed this. We’d be an outlaw gang, he said brightly when I was talking about us being a “gang.” I said, no, that wasn’t the idea. We weren’t going to be outlaws. Billy, ever being Billy, then chirped up, “Oh? Does that mean we’re going to be in-laws?”

I quickly quashed the opportunity to live out violent fantasies. The boys were thus left to come up with something different for our “gang.” In the end, they chose to become “The Chipmunk Gang,” which seemed ironically meek to me, but they were happy to make up rules about how to be a good Chipmunk. Billy really got into this. He wanted a pledge and a secret handshake to denote membership. Jesse then suggested that it ought to be a secret society and we could have other special signals too, to let one another know we were Chipmunks. By the end of the week, the Freemasons had nothing over on us.

Throughout all of this, Venus remained a world apart. She did nothing. Almost catatonic in her lack of response, she had to be physically moved from place to place, activity to activity. However, an accidental bump would result in her coming alive with such unexpected fury that it was almost as if someone had pushed an “on” button. Once in “on” mode, Venus screamed like a wounded banshee and indiscriminately took after anyone within range. There seemed to be no coherence to her rage. It was unfocused, all-embracing, and dangerous.

I tried to include her. Whenever we brought our chairs into a circle to talk about something, I always made sure Venus was there, although this involved moving her chair for her and then moving Venus. In the afternoons, when Julie was there to look after the boys, I endeavored to spend some time alone with her. To do what? I was never sure. Just get a reaction, I think. One day I tried coloring. She would do none of it herself. Another day I tried dancing. I put music on and pulled her through the motions. “Pull” was the operative word. On yet another day I piled building blocks up in front of her and stacked them one by one on top of one another to make what I felt was a very appealing tower. It just asked to be knocked over. Could she knock it over? I challenged. Nope. No response. I lifted her hand for her and knocked over the tower. It fell. Venus didn’t even blink. I built the tower partway up and put a block in her hand. Could she add it to the stack? Nope. Her hand just lay there, the block loose in her fingers. I finished building the tower. Then again. And again. Each time I lifted Venus’s hand and knocked the blocks down again. She didn’t even so much as give an impatient sigh of boredom.

Perplexed and frustrated by Venus’s behavior, I took my troubles with me into the teachers’ lounge. I didn’t really expect anyone to give me answers when I moaned about what was going on in my classroom. Indeed, I wasn’t even upset, just frustrated. Being a rather noisy person by nature, this was my way of coping with the pressure. It was also a way of thinking for me. I’d go down to the lounge, complain about what was happening, and in the process of hearing myself articulate the problem, I’d often come up with alternatives.

Julie, however, appeared unsettled. “You’re feeling really angry about Venus, aren’t you?” she said to me one afternoon after school when we were alone.

Surprised, I lifted my eyebrows. “No. I’m not angry. Why?”

“Well, you just seem angry. In the things you say. You’re always complaining.”

“It’s not complaining. Just letting off steam, that’s all.” I smiled reassuringly at her. “That’s different from anger. I don’t feel anger at all.”

Julie looked unconvinced.

I was having to face the fact that I’d rather misguessed Julie. Her small size, her sweet face, her long hair with its thick bangs and girlish, beribboned styles gave the sense of someone young and, well … naive and impressionable. I’d rather arrogantly assumed I’d have a protégée, someone I could introduce to my special milieu and help her grow into a competent educator, much the way Bob had done with me. Only a week on, however, and the cracks in this fantasy were already beginning to show.

For instance, on Wednesday, Shane picked up the fishbowl from the window ledge to bring it to the table. This was something he had attempted to do on two or three other occasions, and each time I’d intercepted him and explained very specifically that it was forbidden to carry the fishbowl around because it was heavy and awkward, which might lead to a nasty accident. Moreover, the fish didn’t like it very much. This time, however, he managed to pick it up without my noticing, and disaster struck. The water sloshed, surprising him, and he dropped it. Water, broken glass, and goldfish went everywhere. Shane immediately started to bawl.

Julie was closest to him. She smiled, knelt down, and put her arms around him. “Poor you, did that frighten you?” she said in the most soothing of voices. “Don’t cry. It was just an accident.” She took a tissue and dabbed his cheeks. “That’s okay. You didn’t mean to drop it, did you? Accidents just happen.”

Listening to her, I felt ashamed. My immediate reaction had been serious annoyance and I would have said to him, probably not too pleasantly, that here was the natural consequence of picking up the fishbowl and, thus, why we didn’t do it. I wouldn’t have comforted him at all. I would have made him help me mop up the water and catch the poor fish. Julie’s response was so much more humane.

Thus it was with Julie. I found her almost pathologically compassionate. Nothing the boys did seemed to upset her. If someone was perfectly horrid, she’d say, “That isn’t thoughtful,” in a quiet, even voice. Or “I’m sure you didn’t mean to do that. It was an accident, wasn’t it?” when the little devil was looking her straight in the face. So too with Venus. No, Venus didn’t respond any more to Julie than to me, but that was okay. “I’m sure she just needs time to adjust,” Julie would say. “It’s a loud, active environment. I think if we allow her to move at her own pace, she’ll become more comfortable and trust us enough to feel like joining in. Let’s not force anything. Let’s just wait and see.”

Instinctively, I did not agree with Julie’s approach to Venus, but there still seemed to be logic in it. I could see that. The problem was that it just wasn’t my way of tackling things. I was not a wait-and-see kind of person. I was a do-it-now, a something’s-got-to-work kind of person whose success rested largely on a terrierlike refusal to stop harrying problems until I got what I wanted. Just leaving Venus to sit like a lump on a log was anathema to my whole personality. But I didn’t say this. In the face of Julie’s serene patience, I felt ashamed of my restless need to intervene. After so much failure with Venus, I decided I would go right back to basics; so, I arrived Monday morning with a bag of M&Ms.

“Remember these?” I said to Bob as I came through the front office to collect my mail. I rattled the bag of candy.

Bob smiled sardonically.

Back in our very early days together, Bob had caused something of a scandal in the school district by using M&Ms to reward his students. This was the early 1970s when behaviorism was considered a radical approach and classrooms were still quite formal. In our quiet, semirural backwater no one had yet thought of equating something like candy with learning. Bob changed all that. Like many of us of that generation, he was out to build a better world. In his case, he wanted to show that his ragtag group of unruly, deprived youngsters could rise above their various labels and depressing environments, learn and progress. He started very concretely with the children, giving them M&Ms when they cooperated and worked. Sure enough, he soon had impressive results. He also soon had the whole school board down on him too, irate that he should be bribing children to learn. From then on, the term “using M&Ms” became a code among staff at our school for any kind of subversive behavior.

Initially I’d been very impressed with Bob’s M&M system because it did work so effectively. It appealed to the kids on such a basic level that virtually all of them responded positively to some degree, and as most of them had already been labeled “unteachable” or “hopeless,” I felt the end justified the means. Moreover, I liked the obvious practicality of it all. Consequently, even though I didn’t know much about the theory behind behaviorism, I participated happily during the time I worked with Bob.

Later, however, as I became more experienced and better educated, I could see flaws in such a system and now seldom used behavioral techniques in their stricter forms. However, I still knew them to be effective tools when used judiciously, and I was never someone to throw away something useful.

When Julie came in that afternoon, I had her supervise the boys while I sat down with Venus. This involved the whole cumbersome process of moving Venus to the table, putting her into a chair, and pushing it in. She did none of it herself.

I took the chair across the table from her. Lifting up the bag of M&Ms, I waggled it in front of her. “Know what these are?”

“I know what they are, Teacher!” Billy shouted from clear over on the other side of the classroom. This made all the other boys look up.

“Yes, and if you get your work done, you can have some afterward, just like Venus,” I said. “If you get your work in your folder done. But for now I need private time with Venus, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t interrupt.”

Julie endeavored to reorient the boys. I reached across the table and moved Venus’s face so that she was looking at me. I shook the bag in front of her again. “Do you know what this is?” I had hoped for a spark of recognition in her eyes, but there was nothing. She stared through me. “Candy. Do you like candy?”

Nothing.

I opened the bag and spilled several colorful M&Ms across the tabletop.

No response. She continued to stare at my face.

Picking up one of the candies, I reached over and pushed it between her lips. I did it cautiously because I didn’t want to set her off and I feared that if she felt threatened by my movement, it might. The M&M just sat there, hanging half in, half out of her mouth.

“Hooo!” Billy cried gleefully. “Look at psycho! She doesn’t even know what to do with it. It’s candy, stupid! You’re supposed to eat it. Here, Teacher, give me some. I’ll show her.” And before I could respond, Billy was galloping across the room toward me.

“Me too! Me too!” Shane and Zane cried, almost in one voice. They too bolted from their chairs.

Only Jesse remained behind. “I’m not supposed to eat candy,” he said prissily. “It makes me hyperactive.”

Billy lunged forward, grabbing up the M&Ms on the table between Venus and me. “I love these,” he said cheerily and popped a handful in his mouth. “Here, girlie, see? You eat ’em. Crunch, crunch, crunch, like this.” He made a big, open-mouthed show of masticating.

Billy hadn’t touched Venus. He hadn’t even bent close, but something in his behavior must have seemed threatening because Venus suddenly erupted. She let out a loud, ululating shriek and leaped up from the chair. Grabbing hold of Billy by the throat, she crashed to the floor on top of him. Bits of half-eaten M&Ms flew everywhere. Billy fought loose, got up, and tore off in terror. Venus leaped to her feet and took after him, all the while screaming her singular, high-pitched scream.

Julie and I took after both of them. Chairs fell. Tables screeched as they were pushed aside. The twins, manic with excitement, joined in the chase, screaming and yelling too. Convulsing with tics, Jesse leaped up on top of the bookshelf.

“She’s gonna kill me! She’s gonna kill me!” Billy shrieked.

“Billy, stop running. Come here. Don’t keep running; you’re making it worse.”

“No way I’m gonna stop!”

“Zane, sit down! Shane!”

The noise level in the room would have drowned out a jet engine. At just that moment I was extremely glad we were not down near the office where we could be heard.

At last Julie caught hold of Billy. Venus flung herself against them, and I grabbed her, pulled her back in a bear hug.

Venus reacted violently to this. She fought against my grip, rocking back and forth rapidly, knocking her head repeatedly against my chest. She kicked viciously back at my legs. In an effort to force her into a sitting position so that she couldn’t hurt me, I sank down to my knees. Even though I was much taller and heavier, I had a hard time bringing her into a sitting position.