Forbidden

The song drew to an end and Leah attempted to pull away. J.T. didn’t allow her the escape. The advantage of his having fed so much money into the jukebox was that he knew which songs would play next.

He brushed his cheek against her hair. “Then you kissed me,” he said quietly.

She dropped her gaze to stare at the front of his shirt, then seemed unsatisfied with that and looked restlessly around the bar. “You kissed me, if I remember correctly,” she said so quietly he nearly didn’t hear her.

He shook his head as the next song finally clicked on. “No, Leah. You kissed me.” He pressed his lips against her temple, resisting the urge to re-create the moment. But in order to re-create it, she would have to make the first move. Just like she had back then. “You kissed me as if you couldn’t help yourself.”

“That…that was a long time ago.”

J.T. pulled back enough to stare down into her eyes. “Was it? Because right now I’m feeling like it was five minutes ago.”

He watched as her pupils dilated in her dark eyes. Oh, yes, he could tell she was feeling the same way. Yearning for that carefree moment when they’d first explored their burning attraction for each other. But his telling and her admitting were two completely different things. And he knew she wasn’t anywhere near confessing how she felt. And he also suspected he knew the reason why. Hell, he spent half his time asking himself what it was that he felt for her. And the other half wanting her so badly he throbbed with the power of the need.

She licked her lips. J.T. visually inhaled the movement, knowing it was the prelude to a kiss.

But rather than leaning toward him, she pulled away. “I…I shouldn’t be here. I’ve really got to go.”

J.T. resisted the urge to hold her still, to prevent her from leaving. Instead he released his hold on her and watched as she clutched her purse closer to her side and moved toward the door.

He was losing her and he didn’t know how to stop it.

LEAH KNEW A DESPERATION to escape so intense her knees shook. It wasn’t fair that J.T. had come back. It wasn’t fair that he was reminding her of times better off forgotten. It wasn’t fair that he made her want him so fully that she felt she’d die if she didn’t kiss him, feel him, make love to him…now.

She moved toward the door to the bar as quickly as she could, short of running. She shouldn’t have come here. It had been foolish to think she could tell J.T. that she couldn’t see him again. Look into his eyes and utter the words, “It’s over. I’ve moved on with my life and it’s time for you to do the same.”

Instead she hadn’t hesitated to step into his arms for a dance, her hand in his, their bodies slowly swaying seeming the most natural thing in the world.

“We fit.”

She remembered J.T. whispering words to that effect on the very night he’d reminded her of. He hadn’t been saying the words to her. Rather it had seemed he’d been talking to himself, his voice so full of wonder and conviction that they’d reverberated through her, changing her life forever.

She pushed the door open and took deep gulps of the chilly spring night air as if she’d just run a marathon. Changing her life forever. What a childish, stupid thing to think. Fine for a sixteen-year-old experiencing her first real brush with puppy love. Ridiculous for a woman of thirty with an eleven-year-old daughter.

She wondered what Dr. McKenna would say if she told him. Would he tell her that her reactions to J.T. were some sort of pre-middle-aged grab at what used to be? A return to the past, to less troubled times? A time when she didn’t have adult responsibilities and all that went along with them?

“Leah.”

Her step faltered at the sound of her name on J.T.’s lips. He’d followed her. Somewhere deep inside she’d known he would. And somewhere near that knowledge was also the relief, and the grief, that he had.

She swiveled toward him, the air and distance between them allowing her a measure of sanity. “I can’t see you again, J.T.”

He squinted at her in the near darkness, his face stern as if carved from granite. “You’re not seeing me now.”

Leah’s throat felt so tight she was surprised her breathing didn’t sound like panting. “I’ve seen you twice in the past three days.”

“I need to talk to you.”

She shook her head adamantly. “That’s what I told myself. That’s the reason why I came here. To talk. But we don’t talk, J.T. We never talk. Whenever we’re within touching distance both of us seem to lose the ability to speak.”

“We’re talking now.”

She laughed humorlessly and backed a short ways away, feeling an almost magnetic pull toward him and fighting it for all she was worth. “It doesn’t count. We’re just talking about talking.” She shook her head and clutched her purse to her stomach as if the action could keep her from moving toward him.

“I’ve moved on with my life, J.T.,” she said, somehow finding the words she’d rehearsed all afternoon, then during the drive out. “I’m back in school. I’m going to counseling with my ex-husband in the hopes of reconciling. And my daughter…well, my daughter needs me to be there for her.”

He was silent for a long moment, making her wonder if she’d said the words at all. And if she had, if he could understand what they meant.

“And you?” he asked quietly. “What do you need, Leah?”

No fair. It wasn’t fair for him to ask her that question.

He slowly held up his hand up. “What do you want?”

She turned toward her car parked around the back of the lot, out of view of passing traffic. She hadn’t done it on purpose, but it seemed that everything connected to J.T. was done in secret. Was bad. Forbidden.

“I want you to leave me alone,” she whispered.

But she hadn’t said it loud enough for him to hear. Rather the words had been for her ears only, as if some frightened part of her believed that by saying them she could make them so.

She rounded the building, nearly ran into a Dumpster, then rounded it, getting her keys from her purse.

“I didn’t quite make out your last words.”

Leah didn’t realize that J.T. had grasped her arm and turned her to face him until she was staring up into his too handsome, too rugged face.

“I said that I want you to leave me alone.”

Her heart crashed against her rib cage, the sound of her own words like a knife to her chest.

“Do you?” he asked. “Because if you do, I’ll leave town right now. Tonight.”

Leah felt like she’d never take an unlabored breath again. Standing there looking into a face made familiar by all the times she’d seen it in her dreams, nurtured it in her mind, she wanted the exact opposite of what she was saying.

She licked her lips several times. “Yes. That’s what I want.” The words grew quieter with each she said until the last one was nearly silent.

They stood like that for long moments, neither of them saying anything, both of them staring at each other, only the sound of passing cars on the other side of the building and the exhaust fan from the back kitchen breaking the utter silence of the night.