THEATER PLAYS

GIRL. That’s just what I proposed to you.

PROFESSOR. My pleasure.

GIRL. I want to make sure of that.

PROFESSOR. You are in luck: you’ve found the right person.

GIRL. Prove it.

PROFESSOR. My reputation does not require any proof. My name speaks for itself.

GIRL. And who are you?

PROFESSOR. I am a world-famous professor of psychiatry, psychology and sociology. A sex consultant. I get rid of complexes, inspire self-confidence, free people of their inhibitions. I cure frigidity and impotence. I satisfy the unsatisfied. I teach, give advice, help to solve problems. I cure all illnesses.

GIRL. I would like to become such a consultant, too.

PROFESSOR. Then I’ll teach you. Do you know who said the famous words: "I have taken all knowledge…."

GIRL. “…to be my province.”

PROFESSOR. Exactly right. It is me who said it.

GIRL. I didn’t know that.

PROFESSOR. There are still many things you don’t know.

GIRL. So let's study. I’m very curious. Let’s start right now.

PROFESSOR. Good. We shall begin by checking your sexuality.

The GIRL starts to undress.

No, don’t undress! It’s not necessary.

GIRL. (Disappointedly). Not necessary? Then how will you check me?

PROFESSOR. I have a special system of tests. Sit down facing me and concentrate.

They sit down opposite each other.

Are you ready?

GIRL. Yes.

PROFESSOR. (Takes out a pen.) Tell me, what does this pen remind you of?

GIRL. Sex.

PROFESSOR. Very interesting. Well, what does this armchair remind you of?

GIRL. Sex.

PROFESSOR. What? Sex again? But why?!

GIRL. Everything reminds me of sex.

PROFESSOR. But tell me what an armchair has to do with to sex?

GIRL. Oh, it has a lot to do with sex. If you only knew, professor, how many of my fantasies involve an armchair! Unfortunately, they’re only fantasies and not memories.

PROFESSOR. I am giving you the highest score! A hundred points. You have a rich imagination.

GIRL. I have a normal imagination. The trembling sails full of desire to be opened and give themselves up to the wind; the ray of sunshine piercing the moist depth of the sea; the clouds merging with each other; the train confidently entering the tunnel; the smokestack of a power plant; the trunk of a poplar; a candle – all of these represent the same thing to me. A carrot is a man; a turnip, a woman. A banana is a man, too – what a man! And potatoes, beet, apples, porridge – all of these are women.

PROFESSOR. You have amazing abilities. I need to learn from you, not you from me.

GIRL. The sister says that I am crazy.

PROFESSOR. Forget the sister. Trust me. You are normal. She isn’t.

GIRL. I live in a world of symbols: a spoon and a plate…

PROFESSOR. (Joining in).… a cylinder and a piston…

GIRL.… a ring and a finger…

PROFESSOR.… an arm and a sleeve…

GIRL.… a seed and the soil…

PROFESSOR.… a blade and a sheath…

GIRL.… a key and a lock…

PROFESSOR.… all these are symbols of the eternal union of man and woman. Each is meaningless and impossible without the other.

GIRL. Don’t stop talking! It’s getting me so excited!

PROFESSOR. Tell me, what do you know about sex? No, let me put it another way. What don’t you know yet about sex?

GIRL. I have to admit, I don’t know what sex is at all. I’ve never had it. That’s why it’s so interesting to me.

PROFESSOR. We shall start having it, and we shall have it for a very long time, all day long, from morning till evening, and from evening till morning, and you will learn everything. We’ll start right now.

GIRL. Now? I’m afraid we can’t do it now.

PROFESSOR. Why?