The Fifteen Comforts of Matrimony: Responses from Men

They tell him this, and he believes it too,
Tho' it was gotten by the Lord knows who.
Yet this Advantage from it he doth draw,
He reigns chief Master, while she's in the Straw.
But when she rises, all his Power must cease,
And with it too, his Comfort and his Peace.
Her Tongue's compounded of all sorts of ill,
Given to lie, but seldom lying still.
You Rogue (quoth she) where has your Rakeship been?
These Thirty days your Honest Wife lay in?
Here, Rock the Child, while I go take the Air,
I won't be stifled up no longer here.

The Fourth Comfort

Away she flings, and leaves him with her Brat,
And goes from House to House to Drink and Chat,
Finds out a Cully to her Lustful Mind,
And makes a Bargain with him to be kind.
From time to time she has such freaks as these,
And turns an errand Strumpet by degrees.
Yet blinds her Husband with this wild Excuse,
She goes to see an Aunt behind the Meuse.
And if he blames her, thus for staying late,
He is in danger of a broken Pate.
So that he's forc'd to stay at home to Rock,
While his Leud Wife is wasting of his Stock.
This course of Life for many years she leads.
And wallows in her lustful wicked deeds
Thus are her teeming years in Folly spent,
In Clamour, Self-conceit, and Discontent.
Impetuous in her ways; abruptly bold,
The worst of Whores, yet must not be controul'd.

The Fifth Comfort

The Husband all this while concludes her Chaste,
And little thinks she spends his Wealth so fast,
'Till Pocky Pains begins to smart below,
Then mildly asks her if she made him so?
At which she swears, and bold'y starts this Whim,
That she had catch'd the Foul Disease of him:
Which strange Retort, makes him suspect the Crime,
She had concealed from him so long a time.

The Sixth Comfort

He tells her of her Faults, and mildly says,
Dear Wife 'tis got by going thus to Plays.
To which she answers, like a Cunning Jilt,
It is the very cause of this my Guilt,
But take my Word, I ne'er did so before.
Nor never while I live, do so no more.
With feigned Tears, and with a Judas Kiss;
She said (My Dear) I own I have done amiss.
But if you'll Pardon me this very time,
I'll for the future loath so vile a Crime.

The Seventh Comfort

The Man o're-joy'd to hear such Words as these,
From her, he hardly ever yet could please.
In loving Terms, embrac'd her in his Arms,
And said, his chief delight was in her Charms.
Besides he added, if she would be Chaste,
He'd freely Pardon'd her for what was past.
All seeming Friendship now's afresh renew'd.
On promise she wou'd ne'er again be Leud.
With Tears and Kisses, (Woman like) she Fawns.
And asks his Pardon on her Marrow-bones.

The Eighth Comfort

The Cunning Jilt, she being thus forgiven,
Next studdies how to make her Ballance even.
That is to please her Husband and her Friend,
And all this while a Vertuous Wife pretend.
At last she makes a League with John her Man,
And thus afresh her Wickedness began,
By subtle Arts, more cautious than before,
She pleas'd her Husband, yet was still a Whore.

The Ninth Comfort

Thus seeming Prudence, when 'tis ill apply'd,
It makes the Breach more dangerous and wide.
For tho' it may at first appear more bright,
And something dazling to a weaker light.
Yet being view'd with more discerning thought,
What seem'd real good, is found to be stark nought.
For this base Woman grows from bad to worse,
And proves her Husband's Plague, as well as Curse;
Consumes his Stock, on some sad Lustful Knave,
And makes her Spouse a Cuckold and a Slave.

The Tenth Comfort

The Sport's still carry'd on, but under-hand,
She seems the Chastest Wife in all the Land,
Oh! how she blames her self for former Deeds,