English Jests and Anecdotes

WINKING AT NEGLECT

As a regiment of soldiers were marching through a country town, the captain (a strict disciplinarian) observed that one of the drums did not beat, and ordered a lieutenant to inquire the reason. The fellow, on being interrogated, whispered to the lieutenant, “I have two ducks and a turkey in my drum, and the turkey is for his honour:” which, being whispered to the captain, “D – n the fellow,” cried the captain, “why did he not say he was lame? I don’t want men to do their duty when they’re not able.”

TRAVELLING POST

A traveller speaking of the many countries and cities he had seen, one of the company asked him if he had ever been in Cosmography? He, taking it for the name of a city, said, “We saw it at a distance; but, as we went post, we could not visit it.”

CROSS ANSWERS

A prisoner being brought up to Bow Street, the following dialogue passed between him and the sitting magistrate: “How do you live?” “Pretty well, sir; generally a joint and pudding at dinner.” “I mean, sir, how do you get your bread?” “I beg your worship’s pardon; sometimes at the baker’s, and sometimes at the chandler’s shop.” “You may be as witty as you please, sir; but I mean simply to ask you, how do you do?” “Tolerably well, I thank your worship: I hope your worship is well.”

CHARLES THE SECOND’S POCKETS

No prince was more addressed than Charles II., while the very people who sent these generous, nay, extravagant offers, scarcely allowed him the necessary supplies. Killigrew saw this in the proper view, and once gave private orders to the king’s tailor to make one of his majesty’s coat-pockets of a most enormous size, and the other scarcely larger than a thimble. The king being informed that this was done at the desire of Killigrew, asked him the reason. “May it please your majesty,” replied the arch wag, “the large pocket is to receive the addresses of your subjects, and the other is to put the money in, which they intend to present you with.”

SINGULAR MALAPROPOS

A gentleman sitting in one of the boxes in company with Lord North, not knowing his lordship, entered into conversation with him, and seeing two ladies come into an opposite box, turned to him, and addressed him with, “Pray, sir, can you inform me who is that ugly woman that is just come in?” “O,” replied his lordship, with great good humour, “that is my wife.” “Sir, I ask you ten thousand pardons, I do not mean her, I mean that shocking monster who is along with her.” “That,” replied his lordship, “is my daughter.”

PUNISHMENT OF THEFT

Lord North who was very much troubled with the gout, one day feeling some symptoms of an approaching fit, ordered his servant to bring him his gouty shoes. The fellow, after looking for them some time in vain, returned, and told his master he believed they were stolen, and as an addenda to the information, muttered a few hearty curses against the thief. “Poh! poh!” said the good-humoured peer, “do not be ill-natured; all the harm I wish the rascal is, that the shoes may fit him.”

CUTTING MISTAKE

A Frenchman, on landing at Dover, went into a barber’s shop to get shaved. The poor man’s cheeks were so much collapsed, that the barber was under the necessity of thrusting his fingers into his customer’s mouth to assist the operation. “O mon Dieu, mon Dieu!” exclaimed the Frenchman, whilst the barber was dashing away, “me be damnably cut.” “Confound your thin lanthorn jaws,” replied Strop, “I have cut my fingers cursedly through your cheek.”

DO THAT IF YOU CAN

In the great Dutch war, in the reign of Charles II., the English fleet and that of Holland fought in the Channel for three days successively; engaging in the day, and lying-to at night. But, just as they were preparing to renew the action, advice came off that an armistice had been concluded, and the hostile parties began to exercise mutual civilities. On board a Dutch man of war, which lay alongside of an English first-rate, was a sailor so remarkably active, as to run to the mast head and stand upright upon the truck, after which he cut several capers, and concluded with standing on his head, to the great astonishment and terror of the spectators. On coming down from his exploit, all his countrymen expressed their joy by huzzahing, and thereby signifying their triumph over the English. One of the British tars, piqued for the honour of his country, ran up to the top like a cat, and essayed, with all his might, to throw up his heels as the Dutchman had done; but, not having the skill, he missed his poise, and came down rather faster than he went up. The rigging, however broke his fall, and he lighted on his feet unhurt. As soon as he had recovered his speech, he ran to the side, and exultingly cried out to the Dutchmen, “There, d – n your eyes, do that if you can.”

PUN UPON PUN

Strange, Moore, and Wright, three notorious punsters, were on a certain occasion dining together, when Moore observed, “There is but one knave among us, and that’s Strange.” “Oh no,” said Wright, “there is one Moore.” “Ay,” said Strange, “that’s Wright.”

CAT O’ NINE TAILS

The captain of one of the British frigates, a man of undaunted bravery, had a natural antipathy to a cat. A sailor who, from misconduct, had been ordered a flogging, saved his back by presenting to his captain the following petition: —

By your honour’s command
A culprit I stand —
An example to all the ship’s crew;
I am pinioned and stript,
And condemned to be whipt,
And if I am flogged – ’tis my due!
A cat I am told,
In abhorrence you hold:
Your honour’s aversion is mine! —
If a cat with one tail
Makes your stout heart to fail,
O, save me from one that has nine!

PUNCTILIO

The students at Oxford stand much upon punctilio in the matter of making acquaintance; insomuch that one will not hold the least intercourse with another, unless the proper formula of introduction has been gone through. It is told, as a quiz upon them for this peculiarity, that a young gentleman, who had recently entered one of the colleges, happening to be seized with cramp while bathing in the Isis, and being on the point of sinking, probably to rise no more, a youth of older standing, who leant over a bridge near the scene, thus soliloquized: – “Good God! what a pity I was not introduced to that fresh-man – perhaps I might have saved him.”

MAKING FREE

Some time ago, a member of Parliament applied to the post-office to know why some of his franks had been charged. The answer was: “We supposed, sir, they were not of your writing; the hand is not the same.” “Why, not precisely the same; but the truth is, I happened to be a little tipsy when I wrote them.” “Then, sir, will you be so good, in future, to write ‘drunk’ when you make free.”

HENRIETTA MARIA

Henrietta, queen of Charles I., when pregnant of her first child, longed very much for some cheese. An attendant expressed surprise at her majesty having an appetite for such coarse meat, and remarked that if the Welshmen heard of it they would take it as a high compliment. “Oh,” said the queen, “content yourself; what do you know but the Prince of Wales may long for it.”

A TRUE JOE MILLER

In the time of Joe Miller there was an old deaf player of the name of Cross, who, being very vain, took every pains to conceal his infirmity. Joe, walking along Fleet Street with a friend, saw Cross on the opposite side, and told his acquaintance he should see some fine sport. So beckoning to Cross with his finger, he opened his mouth wide, and began to assume the attitude and gestures of one who bawls very loud to a distant object. Cross, thinking that Miller had hallooed to him, and taking that as too broad a signification of his infirmity, came puffing across the street as hard as he could, and “What the devil,” cried he to Joe, “do you make such a noise for? do you think one cannot hear?”

CHARLES MATTHEWS

Matthews being asked what he was going to do with his son (the young man’s profession was to be that of an architect), “Why,” answered the comedian, “he is going to draw houses like his father.”

GENEALOGY

James the First, when he came from Scotland to England, stopped at Lumley Castle, which contained some curious portraits of the ancestors of the Lumleys in the habits of their several times. These were shewn to the king, together with a genealogical tree of the ancient pedigree of the family, carrying it far beyond what his majesty thought credible; upon which, he said to the Bishop of Durham, who shewed it, that he “did not know before that Adam’s surname was Lumley?”

STOCKS LOW

A wag passing through a country town in the north, observed a fellow placed in the stocks, – “My friend,” said he, “I advise you by all means to sell out.” “I should have no objection, your honour,” he replied drily, “but at present they seem much too low.”

HISTORICAL DOUBTS

An auctioneer, at a sale of antiquities, put up a helmet, with the following candid observation: – “This, ladies and gentlemen, is a helmet of Romulus, the Roman Founder; but whether he was a brass or iron founder, I cannot tell.”

FEMALE CONSTANCY

It was a beautiful turn given by a great lady, who, being asked where her husband was, when he lay concealed for being deeply concerned in a conspiracy, resolutely answered, “She had hid him.” This confession drew her before the king, who told her, nothing but her discovering where her lord was concealed, could save her from the torture. “And will that do?” said the lady. “Yes,” replied the king, “I give you my word for it.” “Then,” answered she, “I have hid him in my heart, where you’ll find him.” Which answer so charmed the king that he granted a free pardon to both the husband and wife.

BOND TO THE DEVIL

Colonel Bond, who had been one of King Charles the First’s judges, died a day or two before Cromwell; and it was strongly reported everywhere that the Protector was dead. “No,” said a gentleman, who knew better, “he has only given Bond to the devil for his further appearance.”

HANGING FOR FASHION’S SAKE

Lord Mansfield, being willing to save a man who stole a watch, desired the jury to value it at tenpence; upon which the prosecutor cried out, “Tenpence, my lord! why the very fashion of it cost me five pounds!” “Oh,” said his lordship, “We must not hang a man for fashion’s sake.”

TIME ENOUGH