Positive Thinking: Everything you have always known about positive thinking but were afraid to put into practice

If, on the other hand, parents and/or teachers define the lively child as hyperactive and naughty, the child may get into all sorts of trouble for its ‘negative behaviour’. Punishment of some sort may follow a display of liveliness, and the child will learn to either suppress the behaviour or to start displaying the behaviour in an exaggerated way, thus provoking more punishment, which, in turn, makes the child behave in an even more disruptive way, until it has finally become the obnoxious little brat the parents have always told the child it was.

This is self-fulfilling prophecy par excellence.

Shyness, too, can be labelled in different ways. It can either be regarded as ‘good manners’, and therefore appropriate and desirable, or it can be scolded and punished as ‘backward’ and ‘stupid’. How the child is subsequently treated and develops then depends on that initial labelling.

The child labelled as having ‘good manners’ may develop into a very inhibited person who is incapable of venting his or her feelings, be they good or bad. The child that is called ‘backward’ may develop an inferiority complex and never achieve anything. It is quite a job to get it right, isn’t it? You might as well forgive your parents because you are bound to make mistakes yourself once you are a parent.

As influences coming from parents, siblings, teachers and classmates are particularly strong during childhood and adolescence, it stands to reason that the attitudes of the social environment will have a substantial impact on a young person’s life. Since a six-year-old cannot just pack his bags and say, ‘Right, I’ve had enough of being treated like an idiot! After all, I’m the only one round here who understands computers!’ and walk out, he will have to keep on listening to parental complaints about his inadequacies until he can move out, which may not be for another ten years or more. By that time, the idea is firmly settled in his mind that he is no good.

Again, this is painting an extreme picture as most of us had a reasonable mixture of praise and disapproval during childhood. Yet, we do not seem to emerge from our cocoons of childhood without a bit of a struggle. Some events or remarks may have affected us more severely than we realised at the time, and they still exert their influence on us today. We all have our histories. We all have our struggles and so did our parents, who had to cope with their parents one way or another.

This does not mean that we are determined by our past forevermore, though. If you did not like the way your parents treated you, you can always choose friends who treat you differently once you are grown up. If you have reacted with great anger every time someone has accidentally jostled you in the street for the last 20 years, then it is going to take time and effort to get rid of this angry feeling, but you can do it, and it is a small price to pay for avoiding an ulcer.

In this chapter, you will find some personality traits described in an extreme way, nearly to the extent of caricature. You will rarely encounter people like that in reality, but what you may find are people that display a tendency towards one of the types to a greater or lesser extent.

These sketches are meant to help you look at yourself and determine where your weak points lie, which might require a dose of Positive Thinking. So, take the sketches with a pinch of salt and use them as a guideline. There is no need to throw yourself under a train because you collected most of your points in the backstabbing section. If you do then it just shows that you are honest with yourself, and that, in turn, is going to help you become the better person that you really are.

The Patroniser

The male or female Patroniser has a clear-cut picture of the world in his or her head. Whatever they hear, see or experience, they manage to label unambiguously as either good or bad, right or wrong. Patronisers have made up their mind once and for all which items belong in which category, and that is that. The Patroniser does not worry about any grey zones between the black and white areas in life.

Endowed with a loud voice, the Patroniser then proceeds to spread the gospel. Whether you want to hear it or not, the Patroniser will let you know what his or her opinion is on any given subject. If you have ever been to hospital you will recall that bossy nurse who stomps into your room at 5 a.m. to take your temperature, booming, ‘Aren’t we lazy? Still asleep! Come now, Mr Winterbottom, open your mouth!’ And if you want to know what these new tablets are that she has just given you, she will look at you reproachfully and reply, ‘Now we must follow doctor’s orders, mustn’t we, Mr Winterbottom?’ In other words, she is putting you in your place because, according to her book, the patient is not allowed to question the doctor’s (or her) authority, and that’s what you have just been doing.

Note also the permanent use of ‘we’ instead of ‘you’. You are no longer a person in your own right and, anyway, nurse knows best, so she takes you under her matronly but infuriatingly patronising wing, integrating your person into her own. Thus, ‘we’ is born.

Criticism comes hard and fast with Patronisers, and it is not always constructive. Even though they have good ideas, people tend to reject their suggestions purely because of the way they are put across.

THE PATRONISER’S GOOD POINTS

The Patroniser is often truly knowledgeable and genuinely interested in helping others.

THE PATRONISER’S PROBLEM POINTS

The Patroniser tends to be rigid in his outlook. Often, the opinions held have been developed early in life and have not been checked against reality since. Patronisers can be a bit old-fashioned and are part of that group of people who still think that the microchip is a by-product of the recession for potato farmers.

Patronisers are so sure of their opinions that they tend to deliver sermons rather than enter into a dialogue with others. Patronisers are also not aware that they are hurting other people’s feelings (‘It’s only for your own good!’) when they are so harshly criticising them, and that makes them unpopular because people either dislike or fear them.

THE PATRONISER’S INNER STATE

Rigid opinions are a sign of fundamental insecurity. If the world seems a frightening and confusing place, then a rigid thought structure can provide a sort of safety rail to cling to. This rigidity, though, has its drawbacks. Bridges and even skyscrapers are built so that they can sway slightly in a very strong wind, and it is precisely this flexibility that prevents them from collapsing in a storm. The same is true for people. It is the ones that are able to adapt to new situations that fare best.

Patronisers tend to waste a lot of energy resisting change and sometimes miss out on opportunities that could be to their advantage, simply because they do not fit into their concepts and therefore frighten them (‘I’m not having any of these new-fangled computers in my office, thank you very much!’).

The Mouse

The Mouse is a walking apology. Even nowadays they are mostly women, and Mice feel that they have to apologise for having been born and if they had their own way, their gravestones would say ‘Excuse my dust’.

Mice are afraid that they are in the way or that they are causing inconvenience to others. They will wait for half an hour for two shop assistants to finish their chat rather than draw attention to themselves.

The Mouse hovers a lot, in every respect. She hovers to wait on her family, she hovers for her boss to call her in for dictation, she hovers when she is asked for her opinion because she feels unable to come down on one or the other side of the fence. Even if a Mouse tried to sit on the fence, she would probably fall off it, so sure is she that she is useless (and as we know by now, if you think you are useless you will eventually become useless).

Mice are not necessarily popular because their readiness to oblige is often considered stupidity, and their constant apologies make people fed up with them rather than like them. The word ‘no’ might just as well not exist for Mice because they would not dream of uttering it, ever.

THE MOUSE’S GOOD POINTS

The Mouse is helpful, considerate and a great comfort to people in need. The Mouse usually has a lot of compassion for others (which, however, is not the same thing as insight), and shows untiring support for those who are ill or disadvantaged in any way. Little old ladies refer to the Mouse as an ‘angel’.

With people needing help the Mouse feels safe and develops skills that come as a pleasant surprise to herself and others. As these points are advantageous to others, they are usually promoted as desirable.

It has to be emphasised, though, that if helpful behaviour is carried out in a self-effacing way, without considering one’s own health or well-being, then it ceases to be positive and starts to become self-destructive.

THE MOUSE’S PROBLEM POINTS

It is easy for stronger personalities to take advantage of Mice. Their inability to say ‘no’ and strong sense of duty towards others make it practically impossible for them to avoid unreasonable demands.

Mice are not necessarily liked for their helpful ways, and others often become annoyed at their non-committal hovering. Appreciation is therefore not always forthcoming for any good deeds the Mouse has done.

THE MOUSE’S INNER STATE

Inside, the Mouse is much more complex than is apparent from the outside. Inside, there is turmoil and upheaval, because somewhere in there is an ‘I’ that wants to come out, that has needs and urges that have been dutifully repressed for years.

A great need for appreciation and recognition drives the Mouse to more and more good deeds and selfless acts, and if this is not praised sufficiently by others, the Mouse becomes frustrated, and this drives him or her to even more selfless acts, sometimes virtually pursuing others to off-load good deeds on to them for a potential reward of recognition. If this is not forthcoming, the Mouse feels angry, but as anger is a forbidden feeling for an angel, it has to be suppressed and the little ‘I’ becomes even smaller. The Mouse is prone to exhaustion and nervous illnesses from suppressed feelings and wishes.

The Martyr

The Martyr (another mainly female trait of personality) will tell everyone how weak she is, when really, underneath it all, she is as strong as an ox. Martyrs have great stamina and determination and put all their energy into getting their own way and absolute attention from everyone around them because it is attention they feel they need, deserve and have a right to. They will dwell on how they unselfishly lent you a fiver three years ago and demand eternal gratitude for this generous act.

Although Martyrs seem to use others mainly as an audience, they are dependent on other people providing them with self-esteem. Attaining a sense of importance and self-respect through others is their main (unconscious or conscious) aim in life, and they make sure they get it. They are reasonably knowledgeable about illnesses and their symptoms and keep you posted at all times on their state of health, which, needless to say, is always poor or gives cause for worry.

Mothers sometimes employ this behaviour as emotional blackmail in order to prevent their only child from leaving the parental home for good or from going out in the evening and developing some sort of private life. The moment the daughter or son reaches for the door handle, up comes mother’s hand over her heart, and, with a crooked but brave little smile, she’ll wish her child a pleasant evening, but the message really is, ‘Do go out, by all means! It doesn’t matter if I have a heart attack while you’re out having fun’. If the child is a Mouse, he or she will be unable to ignore these signals and stay at home.

The true challenge occurs when two Martyrs meet. The conversation will become very intense and quickly develop into a verbal duel about who is sicker, who has had the most severe illness and the greatest number of operations (‘The surgeon couldn’t believe how anyone can survive with a gallstone that size!’). Both are mostly speaking at the same time and not really listening to what the other person is saying because they are too busy trying to remember details of their illnesses in order to triumph over their opponent.

THE MARTYR’S GOOD POINTS

The Martyr has high levels of energy and determination. Unfortunately, they are misdirected.

THE MARTYR’S PROBLEM POINTS

The Martyr attracts the Mouse. It is like a sadist-masochist relationship: the Martyr moans, the Mouse listens in awe and feels needed.

Other people will tend to stay away from the Martyr because there is only so much lamentation you can take. When people stop coming to see Martyrs, they feel stranded with all their insecurity and proceed to produce more symptoms so that everyone begins to feel guilty and comes running back to their sick-bed, because this time they might really be ill …

Martyrs are in danger of developing very real illnesses, purely because they are thinking of them all the time (see pages 130–1).

THE MARTYR’S INNER STATE

Martyrs are really lonely and insecure people who have never had enough attention in their lives. Being ill has worked once to get attention, so they use it over and over again. If they are lucky enough to come across someone who will not be blackmailed and is interested enough in them to show them different and more positive ways of gaining attention, they can learn to channel their energy into a more constructive direction and show surprising new qualities in their personality.