The Mist and the Lightning. Part II

"Am I a slave?"

"Yes, if you want that, you are a slave. If you like it this way. If you feel like a slave, it's your choice!" Orel turned to Lis. "Lis, do you feel like a slave in our team?"

"Of course, I don't!" Lis snorted looking at Squint-Eye with contempt.

"You see, Bertran Dallen, you're the one to blame in your unenviable position!" Orel continued. "You couldn't make others take you into consideration. There was time when you were one of the best! Everyone loved and respected you! I loved you too! Huh, Bert, do you remember?" Orel talked quietly, almost tenderly. "You were brave and fierce, everyone was afraid of you. And your face wasn't grey like now, your eyes were not red and swollen, always bruised. Your hair," he touched Squint-Eye's dark hair, cut jaggedly, "your hair was long. You were a real warrior. I was proud you were with me."

Squint-Eye covered his face. "Orel, shut up, it was a long time ago! And I don't care! I don't even want to recall it, I became different."

"Why? Bert, why?" Orel moved closer to him, took his scratched hand. Squint-Eye shuddered, yanking his fingers away from Orel convulsively.

"Don't! Don't call me by my name! Everyone knows here my name is Squint-Eye! My name is Squint-Eye! Squint-Eye! Squint-Eye!"

Lis looked at him in disgust.

"Why are you treating him like a child, Arel? Don't you see he became a complete nonentity?"

Squint-Eye glanced at Lis furiously.

"I hate you so much, Lis! I would cut your throat a long time ago, if Orel didn't love you. It's your luck I respect Orel and don't want to hurt his feelings!"

"Ooh, just listen to him!" Lis sat back in his place at the table, shook his head. "How scary! I'm so frightened!"

Orel laughed.

"Really, Bert, you are insane."

"You can never kill me," Lis said smirking, "because I'm much smarter than you. I'm clever and you're a real loser!"

He laughed wickedly showing his teeth filed like a saw jags – horrible, savage teeth that didn't suit his intelligent face. He kicked Squint-Eye's side. Squint-Eye bore it silently, his just lowered his head and his hair hid his face, haggard with illness.

"You're an ass," Lis said, "good for nothing. I wonder how you still manage to fulfill orders."

"I don't want any more," Squint-Eye whispered. "I don't want to fulfill any more orders."

"Of course!" Lis snorted. "It takes effort. It's much easier to inject yourself some shit and then cut yourself."

"Lis, enough," Orel ordered. "Bert – well, Squint-Eye, if it is easier for you… pull yourself together at last. You angered me a lot but I've already calmed down because you're really pathetic. Your fits became too frequent, you become unbearable, you become a burden for all of us."

Squint-Eye raised his gaze at him.

"So, what are you waiting for? Kill me!"

He pushed his short, unruly hair away from his face, raised his head proudly, one of his eyes looked at Orel bravely. His pale lips were compressed stubbornly. He was beautiful at this moment, somehow calm and peaceful. Despite everything, he was a warrior, dark, wicked and strong.

Orel shook his head.

"I can't kill you, we've been together for too long. We were together since the very beginning. You did a lot to restore our square."

"Gods damn your square," Squint-Eye growled, "my whole life went to hell because I had bad luck to be born in your territory! Where is everyone who helped you to assert your power? Where are they? Long rotting in your castle cemetery! I want to join them. If you can't kill me, tell Lis."

"No," Orel shook his head.

"Then him," Squint-Eye pointed at Nikto.

"Maybe, her?" Lis looked at Asa, then at Squint-Eye.

"Fuck you! Do you want to humiliate me even when killing!" Squint-Eye screamed.

"No one is going to kill you," Orel said. "Forget about it and try to pull yourself together. I'll talk to Nik, maybe, he will care to help you, and you'll quit that shit."

"Nik?" Squint-Eye smiled. "What a beautiful name he has now, I would never think Nikto and Nik is the same."

"Shut up," there were steely notes in Orel's voice.

"I don't want him to help me," Squint-Eye said, "I don't want anyone to help me!"

"You will try to get up yourself, right?" Orel asked. "You will try hard."

"No, I don't want to, I don't see any sense in it," Squint-Eye cracked his knuckles nervously. "Do you see any sense in this endless war? Tell me!"

"Sense?" Orel thought for a moment. "I like it, I like fighting. I enjoy it, I can't imagine my life without war, without risk. Why should I look for sense in enjoyment? I entertain myself, so, the rest doesn't matter."

Squint-Eye shook his head.

"No, it's not an answer. I could have accepted such an answer from Tol but not from you. I wouldn't even ask Tol, it is clear about him. But you, Arel, I expected a different answer, I thought you were smarter."

"Do you hear?" Lis asked. "He thinks you're a fool."

"Fine," Orel said in irritation, "don't add fuel to the fire. I would like to punish Squint-Eye but I see it won't change anything – he punishes himself, and cruelly. Bert, promise me you'll stop abusing yourself, stop mutilating your body and raping your mind. It's enough. I beg you, stop killing yourself!"

Squint-Eye didn't answer.

"Fine, if you're tired of everything and you want to die, do it with dignity! Like a warrior! Not like a street wench. Die fighting! For us to bury you with honor." Orel paused. "At night we'll start attacking and you will have a chance to make your wish come true," he said at last, got up and walked away from Squint-Eye.

Squint-Eye stayed sitting on the floor; he leaned against the massive leg of the table tiredly. His hair, cut in an ugly way, hung pathetically framing his pale face; in the front thick black strands reached only to his chin now. He shook his head, touched the remnants of his previously gorgeous long hair.

"You regret your hair," Orel noticed his gesture. "How could you disfigure yourself like that?"

"I'm sick," Squint-Eye said quietly. "Orel, I'm so sick."

"You need to restore yourself, not to destroy," Orel poured some wine. "Go to your room and stay in bed. We're going without you now."

Squint-Eye looked at him frightened.

"Hey, don't look at me like this! Don't try anything stupid, clear?"

"We cannot leave him like that," Lis said. "He'll stay alone and who knows what'll come to his mind. He'll start cutting himself again."