Who Needs Men Anyway?: A perfect feel-good romantic comedy filled with sass

‘Can I help you?’ the immaculate assistant asked as I turned to leave but my words were stuck. I could’ve just ordered online, I scolded myself. It was unlike me to lack composure, and I hated myself for coming over all feeble and pathetic. In an attempt to appear more confident, I quickly scanned the rail next to me and picked up a small black playsuit that looked sultry yet classy.

‘I was just after one of these.’

‘Ahh, the Gloria basque. It’s a popular item.’ She smiled, taking it from me. She looked at the tag then looked me over. ‘I don’t think this is your size. ‘What bust size are you?’

‘Er . . . 34C,’ I replied.

She nodded and said she’d be back in a moment. I relaxed a little as I waited and started to browse, idly flicking through the delicate fabrics. The assistant soon returned with my garment.

‘We had one in stock,’ she said, ‘and I’ve brought out the matching knickers and some stockings to complete the outfit. Would you like to try them on?’

I shook my head. ‘No, they’ll be fine, thank you. Where can I pay?’

‘Please, follow me.’

Thankfully it was an unusually quiet day but that didn’t stop my eyes darting about frantically as I followed her to the counter, but before I knew it, she’d carefully wrapped the items and placed them in a bright yellow bag. Just as I was tapping my four-digit PIN into the card machine a familiar voice caught my attention and I spun around to see the back of a woman called Ginny who was part of the golf club clique. ‘Emmy, hi,’ she wailed into her phone. ‘Yes, of course I am . . . No idea, I’m out shopping for something now . . . seven I thought . . . yes she’ll be there – Lauren was inviting all the WAGs.’ She chuckled as if she’d made a joke.

The assistant handed me my bag just as I caught the tail end of the conversation: ‘See you tonight.’

I scurried off before she saw me. Once I was safely back in my car, I couldn’t help myself, I had to check my phone for an invitation to whatever the gathering was. I knew before I looked that I wouldn’t be invited, not after the way Emmy had blanked me. I didn’t really care anyway but that didn’t stop my curiosity. Pulling my phone out to see the blank screen only confirmed my suspicions. I let out an even sigh. It looked like I was definitely out of the group. I don’t know what Lauren had told them all and I didn’t care. Strangely, I was quite relieved.

At around 6.30 p.m. I took a shower and let my hair dry naturally wavy. I applied some natural-looking make-up with toned-down smoky eyes and a red lip-stain before slipping into my spoils of the day. I puffed my hair up at the roots, using a bit of hairspray to keep the volume, and put on my Valentino studded sandals before looking in the mirror.

The flattering lines of the basque pulled in my waist, and there was enough bust support to give an ample-looking cleavage. My bigger than usual hair made my body look smaller, and the high-heeled sandals my legs longer. I didn’t mind admitting it – I still had it. My black satin robe lay on the bed so I put it on and tied the waist before going down to the kitchen, where I poured two glasses of Argentinian Malbec – James’s favourite. Then I sat and waited.

Seven came and went, and by seven-forty I’d almost finished my second large glass when I heard the door open and a waft of aftershave hit me. On standing, I felt tipsier than I’d realised I was and had to hang on to the bar stool and take a minute. I giggled. My cheeks had a fuzzy warmth, and any inhibitions I’d had in the shop earlier had been destroyed by the alcohol. I loosened the belt of my robe and turned around, letting it fall to the floor in front of him.

James’s face was a picture of surprise and bemusement. His lips parted like he was about to speak, but the words didn’t come. Seeing him, a powerful lawyer, lost for words gave me all the more confidence as I sashayed towards him, kissing him slowly when I got there. He returned my kiss, slowly at first and then quicker as he traced a finger up my arm and right down my back to underneath the cheek of my bottom.

‘You look amazing,’ he whispered close to my ear, sending a tingle down my spine, making me want him all the more. Then he sighed. ‘I’m sorry, I have a meeting with the judge tomorrow to present my case. I’ll be working on it all night.’ He let out a groan and pulled me in close, smelling my hair when he did.

Tears pricked my eyes as I buried my face in his shoulder, and I fought hard to hold them back when I pulled away. Unable to speak, I handed him his wine and tried to smile.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said again softly and planted a kiss on my forehead.

When he’d left the room, I allowed a tear to roll down my cheek. The mixture of humiliation and frustration was worth that at least. I drank the rest of my wine and tried to pull myself together. It wasn’t James’s fault, or mine – it was circumstantial and badly timed. I went upstairs and slipped into something that really was more comfortable – my PJs – and called Kate.

‘I tried your underwear idea,’ I said as soon as she answered.

She didn’t need any time to pause and process. ‘And?’

‘Well, it was badly timed. James doesn’t need me to do things like that. We understand each other. I wish I hadn’t listened to you.’

‘So, he was too busy? Again? What did you wear?’

‘A black Agent Provocateur thing with suspenders – the works. I looked pretty good, even if I do say so myself, but it didn’t work.’ I emphasised the last part.

‘I’ve never heard of Agent Provocateur underwear that doesn’t work. Are you sure you had it on right?’ I heard her sip what I assumed to be wine.

‘Well, I thought it looked okay.’ I’d not actually considered whether or not it had been on right. I was usually more of a Playtex woman – the more modern styles at least, not the frumpy old-dear ones. I just wanted something sturdy and no-nonsense that looked okay and I didn’t have to worry about.

‘That husband of yours needs to realise what he’s missing.’

I sighed before moving the conversation on. ‘My trainer, Megan, finally caught her fiancé with that mistress of his.’

‘Oh, the poor woman. How did that play out?’ Kate said, her interest clearly piqued.

‘She’s understandably devastated so I’ve offered my support.’

‘Does she have her revenge plan in order?’

‘I don’t think revenge is what she’s going for. She’s upset, humiliated, and her life is in tatters.’

‘Well, I wouldn’t let him get away with it.’ I heard Kate take another sip of wine.

‘I know you wouldn’t.’ I laughed.

‘Why don’t you see if she wants to come out with us for a drink next week? Thursday perhaps? That gives her over a week to get to grips with things. There’s a new champagne bar I’m dying to try and it’ll do her good to get out. Plus it would do me good to have a girls’ night and I need to see you dressed up in something glam because that mental image you left me with last week, of all the beige, is truly awful, and as a result, our friendship is currently on the line.’ I smiled. Kate was Kate.

‘I do have a slinky red dress I’ve been dying to wear . . .’

‘Oh thank God!’

‘I’ll drop Megan a text and see if she’s up to it.’

‘Great, I’ll see you Thursday.’ She blew a kiss down the phone and hung up.

***

Megan had reluctantly agreed to come out. There was a chance she felt obliged since I was technically her boss, but I didn’t feel too guilty since it was for her own good. We met earlier in a bar in Wilmslow as I thought pre-Kate drinks were probably wise. On Megan’s arrival, her dowdy appearance shocked me a little, but I hid my reaction, for fear of upsetting her. She had on a lilac dress that fit poorly and washed her out. She’d attempted some make-up, but it was a half-hearted attempt at best. Her usual natural beauty wasn’t shining through, and she looked frumpy. I was sure it was a reflection of how she was feeling and continued to say nothing, but she brought it up.

‘I look a mess, don’t I?’ she said as we sipped a glass of wine.

‘Not at all. A bit tired, perhaps – have you slept?’ I wasn’t going to agree aloud.

She shook her head. ‘No really, not since . . . before.’ I gave her a sympathetic smile. ‘Will your friend mind a miserable face like mine putting a dampener on her night?’

‘Not at all. Kate is quite a character if you remember. She’ll maybe even take your mind off things for a few hours.’ Deep down, I hoped Kate would go easy on Megan. Once we’d finished our wine, we took a cab to the champagne bar in Alderley Edge where Kate was already waiting. In deep contrast to Megan, she looked amazing in a gold skimpy dress, which set off her tumbling ebony waves and tanned skin perfectly.

She was seated in a plush booth with white leather padded seats and a dark glossy table. It was lucky she’d found a table since the place was packed to the rafters, but knowing Kate, there would have been some eyelash-batting involved at the very least. She stood up to greet us as we walked over.

‘Ladies, it’s lovely to see you both.’ She air-kissed us before sitting back down and beckoning a waiter over. I introduced Kate and Megan since they’d only met briefly, and then sat down.

‘Well, don’t you look fabulous tonight?’ Kate said, casting her eye over me. ‘Now don’t let me see you in that jumble of beige and pearls again – or at least not for another forty years.’ She flapped her hands in my general direction before catching sight of Megan, who was looking around the room and adjusting her dress around the chest.

Before Megan had time to see the expression of horror creep across Kate’s face, I pursed my lips and shook my head at her, making sure she saw me. Kate waved a hand at me flippantly just before Megan turned back around to the table. All the arm-waving was starting to make me dizzy.

‘So, Megan, Charlotte told me all about your fiancé. I’m truly sorry. I do understand how hard it is.’ She leant across the table and patted Megan’s hand. To be fair to Kate, she almost did know, as her first husband had left her for another woman – but Kate wasn’t the type to sit around feeling sorry for herself, and I’d always felt the whole situation had been no more than a mild inconvenience to her.