Selected drama. Second edition

Mother having sunk onto the sofa lies in a half-swoon

Elisa: Mom! Mom! (pats her on the cheek and Mrs. Scott comes around)

Eugene: Mrs. Scott, are you all right? I assure you, that thing got on my jacket, I don’t know how, not a slightest idea! Perhaps, it belongs here? You’ve got a terrarium, haven’t you, eh?

Elisa: OK. Right. Right. Nobody’s hurt? (tries a smile)

All three regain their position on the sofa.

Mrs. Scott: Phew! This thing nearly killed me!

Eugene: It was on me, on me, Ma’am!

Elisa: My brave Eugene, on you, sure, on you! Ok. Let’s go on. Eugene, what were you saying?

Eugene: Well… I..

Mrs. Scott: Wait a minute, could you? I’ve mentioned a surprise, haven’t I, darling? (to Elisa). Now (looking at her wrist-watch) 17:30. Just the time for Mr. Burps to arrive. I asked him to drop in.

Elisa: It’s a bad idea, Mama, we are receiving Eugene! I’ve got him!

Eugene: Yes. She’s got me. And I…

Mrs. Scott: Lisa, Mr. Burps is one of my old acquaintances, a very respectable man, divorced, no children, thinking of his future, perhaps, his and your future…

Elisa: Mama, how can this be? You’re ruining everything!

Eugene: I guess, I shouldn’t be here…

Elisa: No, Eugene, stay! Mom, I p-r-o-t-e-s-t!

Mrs. Scott: Let us be agreeing, friends, let us be agreeing, friends. And, you’ve got an alternative, anyway.

A crashing boom outside

Elisa: Oh, my!

Doorbell rings.

Mrs. Scott: Ah, here he is. Elisa, open the door. (Elisa leaves)

As soon as Elisa is away, there is a knock on the balcony door window.

Mrs. Scott: What’s that?

She comes up to the balcony window, draws the blinds up and sees no other than Mr. Burps. She recoils back.

Mrs. Scott: It’s impossible, Alexander! What about the entrance door? Why this mad act? Eugene, help me with this bloody door! (Eugene helps to open it)

They let Mr. Burps in. His suit is a mess, hair tousled, face red. He won’t speak but boos, jabbers, hoots, makes faces with his hands on his chest outwards, fingers twiddling.

Mrs. Scott: Oh, Alex! How did you come by the balcony? What? Speak, will you?

Mr. Burps gesticulates madly, eyes rolling.

Elisa (returns: Mom, here’s a man, he says he’s a neighbour.

with Mr. Higgs)

Mrs. Scott: Who are you? What’s your business?

Zachary Higgs: Just a Good Samaritan, Ma’am. I’m Zachary Higgs, your neighbour downstairs. Just moved in. Let me explain. I heard something flop on my balcony couple of minutes ago. You must have heard it, mustn’t you? I sure come to check what’s wrong and see this fellow prostrate and speechless. He, as I gather, must have climbed the fire-escape from the roof and descending flops down onto my premises like anything! Despite the plight he’s quite safe, you see, and he shows me by signs he wants to go upstairs, to your balcony. Man! And I give him leg up! It’s due to the shock he can’t speak and he’s like that!

(Mr. Burps sits on the sofa blabbing something as if trying to confirm Higgs’ words)

Mrs. Scott: It may be a guttural spasm. Eugene, fetch him water.

Eugene gives him a glass. Mr. Burps goes at it like mad but splashes over almost a glassful and goes on with his gibberish

Elisa: What’s he saying?

Mr. Burps: Boo-boo-boo! Foo-foo-foo! A-ma-ma-ta-ta-ha!

Mrs. Scott: Alex, dear man, what’re you saying?

Mr. Higgs: Let me help you. In fact, I’m doing a research in applied linguistics. And artificial languages, including sign languages, are my stuff.

Mr. Burps: Ma-fa-ta. Boo-foo-woo-woo (invites Mr. Higgs to help him)

Mr. Higgs: He says he’s tremendously sorry, Ma’am, for such visiting manner. He meant a surprise for you, but there’s been an accident.

Mrs. Scott: Oh, Alex! What a surprise? Are you a madman to play with your life?

Mr. Burps stands up producing from the bosom of his jacket a snip of flower intending to give it to Elisa.

Elisa: Oh, no! Don’t you approach me! Mama!

Eugene: Don’t! Don’t! D’you hear me? (intervening)

Mr. Burps sits back still booing and waving the flower snip.

Mr. Higgs: As I understand, Mr. Alexander gives warmest compliments to the young lady. Well, my duty’s done. I have to be going.

Mrs. Scott: Please, stay a bit, Mr. Dog Whisperer. We need you.

Mr. Higgs stays. The four sit on the sofa but Mr. Burps who starts walking around blabbing.

Elisa: Mr. Higgs, what’s he saying now?