Finding Lily

But I am still trapped.

The plane steadies itself, and once again my stomach drops while our altitude rises.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your patience,’ says Captain Peterson, sounding more relieved than I feel. ‘We’re back on track. Please relax and enjoy the rest of your trip. Our attendants are coming around with complimentary beverages and snacks.’

I lean back, awaiting sustenance.

CHAPTER 1 (#u50c7b778-081c-5842-95ba-2eaa2a5198b8)

Room for Discussion (#u50c7b778-081c-5842-95ba-2eaa2a5198b8)

By the time we returned to Agassiz Street, Dorian’s eyes were glittering with excitement. The entire cab ride over, between talking about how great my mother was and stroking my thigh, he kept repeating something about another surprise waiting for me. At this point in our not-relationship, I’d already had enough surprises, but when I mentioned this to him he insisted that this one was extra special.

‘Is it the library?’ I asked, referring to his promise to turn the empty efficiency next door into a conservatory of sorts. ‘Because most of my books are still at Ma’s in Chiquita boxes.’

‘Oh, trust me, I noticed the banana boxes in your bedroom,’ he said, opening my car door. ‘I don’t miss much.’

‘So I’ve noticed.’

He grasped my hand in his and we dashed up the granite steps together. Without a word we just kept running and clunking our way up stairs 300 years older than us, as though we were racing; always a competition with the pair of us. As his legs were so long, he took two steps for my every one, which meant he was half-dragging me, and I felt the desperate need to keep up.

When we reached the top floor, I was panting, but managed to say, ‘I thought this was the apartment you were renovating for yourself.’

Much to my chagrin, Dorian had bought my building, only a few days after we met. He planned to turn the four apartments upstairs into a large single suite, where he might stay, every now and again. Perfect for the weekends when I visit you, don’t you think, Lily?

No, I certainly do not think. This has officially been established as another line of bullshit, given the latest string of events.

I was still not sure what to make of his persistent rocking and wrecking my world, his desire for entire possession. The submissive part of me, the prey to his hunter? Loved it. The other, independent, private side of myself – the strong spirit within me whom Dorian had rarely encountered at that point – felt more violated than anything else. Despite his prior claims, Dorian Holder did not own me. Well, we’d made no 24/7 agreement, anyway. And things were happening too fast, with too few discussions. And we all sooooo love ‘big talks’, right? You know, the ones where everyone walks away kind of pissed off, nothing is quite resolved, but it all ends in overcompensating ‘I’m kind of sorry’ sex. Something told me it never occurred to Dorian that he would have to over-accommodate in the bedroom, or against the wall, as the case would likely be. He took far too much pride in his performance, and his arrogance made it impossible for him to doubt whether he would have to work for me to shatter at his merest touch.

I was more than curious to see where this might lead us.

So.

Despite our minimal verbal explorations, here we were, embarking on something that could go wonderfully right or dreadfully wrong. There was no turning back. The day-to-day sensibility said Run like hell, if you can’t turn around. If only my base desires and day-to-day sensibility could have had a sit-down, compromise, shake hands, and leave me to my own devices.

But there will always be the ongoing conflict, and – as with any two people trying to understand each other – the unspoken, the assumed, the emotions that never quite meet in the middle. Granted, I had quasi-committed to have this love – er, I mean, sex – arrangement continue after Dorian returned to Colorado in a few weeks. But I also had mixed emotions about knowing that the top floor of my home would be his whenever he felt like it.

If he ‘chose to do so’.

I remained unconvinced that he would make good upon his suggesting we continue this little game in the future. Maybe he’d change his mercurial mind before you could say ‘commitment issues’.

April was not over yet. There would still be skiing in Aspen, where his sister Beatrice Collins owned a resort, where he would surely visit, and I have no experience on the slopes … which counts me out. There were likely many ripe-and-ready ski bunnies, and Dorian loved a wild snow-and-surf kind of girl. Nothing could be further from that but me, raised a few blocks from the gaudy, sketchy sprawl of Route 9 businesses in Revere, Mass.

Tar. Cement. Run-down ranch houses. Box stores.

For now, since we’d never been clear enough in either way, I was his property.

He fucking owned where I lived.

He owned where I worked.

And the part of me that was thrilled by all of this was in conflict with the Lily DeWitt I was growing into. Simultaneously, I was growing, somehow, in the midst of all of the glorious disaster, possibly in part because of said debacle.

I wanted to be his.

I wanted him to be mine.

Pretty sure it went both ways, but this bullshit is what happens when a man and a woman run the risk of falling in love, rather than saying, Sayonara,you fucking dink. Sometimes drama is exactly what a girl wants and needs.

Seeing how Dorian Holder was given to whimsy, I took all his random questions, declarations and impulsive – erhm – stalking with a grain of salt. After all, we had discussed this to some degree, and he’d explained that reaching, hunting, discovering, possessing was not only something men might do, it’s an urge they had fought – or not – since time began. It was an animal thing, is what I think he said.

It’s all a blur now.

If he wanted to renovate a building he bought, so be it. If it happened to be mine, well? Both of us would face the consequences of that decision. Right?

That was his business.

And his business would become mine, if I over-thought. Dorian’s actions were the equivalent of more than an alpha dog pissing on a fire hydrant. Not to preach, but if it means something to That Man, while to you? You still have full use of and access to said hydrant, and if … aw, shit. Technically, the hydrant and its hosting building are public property, to some degree. So, fine. Master of the Universe buys building. Fact is, real estate is pretty cheap these days, it’s a fine time to buy as an investment, and? I dunno.

Fuck. In case you haven’t noticed by now, Dorian Holder was driving me out of my mind, snapping me, as he’d promised to do. And I had been more than willing.

Plus, bitches love libraries, and I happened to know he was building me one, in what had once been an apartment next door. My own conservatory. Hadn’t that been one of my many fantasies? Dorian Holder had every intention of fulfilling my fantasies, to the best of his ability. Which meant he could stop whenever he wanted, whether or not we were on the same page. He was top, I was bottom. Lines sometimes get blurred.

Being the curious humans we are, our tendency is to cross them.

CHAPTER 2 (#ulink_401e9163-099b-54dc-8d0a-71eeff183dd5)

Reflections (#ulink_401e9163-099b-54dc-8d0a-71eeff183dd5)

We entered Dorian’s luxurious apartment, and he helped me wriggle out of my fitted Ferretti black peacoat. The place was nothing short of fabulous – the team of hot carpenters and whoever decorated knew what they were doing – but I’ll spare details, seeing as he rushed me through the kitchen, dining room and living room, and didn’t so much as open the door to his master bedroom. So really I couldn’t take in the whole scene and do the ‘ooh’s and ‘ahh’s you’re supposed to when someone is showing off their renovated home. Particularly when some part of you says, It’s your home he is renovating. The space felt smaller than I’d expected, as I’d pictured the square footage of a floor with eight apartments being hugantic. But, like I know jackshit about square footage.

Or maybe I did, since when he flung open the final door and showed me what was taking up about a third of the apartment, it all made sense. In the darkness of the enormous expanse there I could make out large shapes and shadows, but couldn’t identify exactly what of. I glanced at Dorian, and he said, ‘I had those carpenters Beezus hired build you a studio. Since word’s out that I’ve been revamping the company, suppliers have been sending us more gear samples than I know what to do with.’

‘So this is more a storage unit for your new toys than a studio for me.’ My voice was guarded. Let’s call a spade a spade, Dorian, I thought.

‘Or you could just be a lady and say thank you, Lily.’ He rubbed his temples. ‘As you know, I’m not one for exercise equipment, as I’d rather do it, live it, than play make-believe. But, OK, I may just mess around with that rotating climbing wall. With or without you.’

‘Hmmn.’ I tapped my foot, as though impatient. Meanwhile, my pulse was picking up, as a ripple of excitement and fear began coursing through my veins. ‘So turn on the light already.’

‘Preferably with you, given how much I’d like to be your belayer.’

‘Huh?’

‘Oh, I will harness you, watch you hang, guide your rope, then bungee you up against those phony rocks and have the two of us rotate together.’

‘What if you fell? Where’s your gear in this little fantasy?’

‘No ropes, no belts, not for this guy. It’s just a wall, not a mountain; I could run up this thing blindfolded. I don’t need protection, Lily. But you do.’ He closed his eyes, obviously visualising me hanging from the protruding artificial stones, crying like a baby while he leaped all over me like a half-starved mountain lion. Fearless of free-falling, because Holders Never Fall. ‘We shall see.’