Bones in London

"You'll tell me you don't know about L. next," he said, bewildered.

"Language!" protested Bones. "You really mustn't use Sunday words, really you mustn't."

Then Jelf unburdened himself. It appeared that G. had been engaged to

L.'s daughter, and the engagement had been broken off…

Bones stirred uneasily and looked at his watch.

"Dispense with the jolly old alphabet," he said wearily, "and let usget down to the beastly personalities."

Thereafter Jelf's conversation condensed itself to the limits of ahuman understanding. "G" stood for Gregory – Felix Gregory; "L" forLansing, who apparently had no Christian name, nor found such appendagenecessary, since he was dead. He had invented a lamp, and that lamphad in some way come into Jelf's possession. He was exploiting theinvention on behalf of the inventor's daughter, and had named it – hesaid this with great deliberation and emphasis – "The Tibbetts-JelfMotor Lamp."

Bones made a disparaging noise, but was interested.

The Tibbetts-Jelf Lamp was something new in motor lamps. It was a lampwhich had all the advantages of the old lamp, plus properties which nolamp had ever had before, and it had none of the disadvantages of anylamp previously introduced, and, in fact, had no disadvantageswhatsoever. So Jelf told Bones with great earnestness.

"You know me, Tibbetts," he said. "I never speak about myself, and I'mrather inclined to disparage my own point of view than otherwise."

"I've never noticed that," said Bones.

"You know, anyway," urged Jelf, "that I want to see the bad side ofanything I take up."

He explained how he had sat up night after night, endeavouring todiscover some drawback to the Tibbetts-Jelf Lamp, and how he had rolledinto bed at five in the morning, exhausted by the effort.

"If I could only find one flaw!" he said. "But the ingenious beggarwho invented it has not left a single bad point."

He went on to describe the lamp. With the aid of a lead pencil and apiece of Bones's priceless notepaper he sketched the front elevationand discoursed upon rays, especially upon ultra-violet rays.

Apparently this is a disreputable branch of the Ray family. If youcould only get an ultra-violet ray as he was sneaking out of the lamp, and hit him violently on the back of the head, you were rendering aservice to science and humanity.

This lamp was so fixed that the moment Mr. Ultra V. Ray reached thethreshold of freedom he was tripped up, pounced upon, and beaten untilhe (naturally enough) changed colour!

It was all done by the lens.

Jelf drew a Dutch cheese on the table-cloth to Illustrate the point.

"This light never goes out," said Jelf passionately. "If you lit itto-day, it would be alight to-morrow, and the next day, and so on. Allthe light-buoys and lighthouses around England will be fitted with thislamp; it will revolutionise navigation."

According to the exploiter, homeward bound mariners would gathertogether on the poop, or the hoop, or wherever homeward bound mannersgathered, and would chant a psalm of praise, in which the line "Heavenbless the Tibbetts-Jelf Lamp" would occur at regular intervals.

And when he had finished his eulogy, and lay back exhausted by his owneloquence, and Bones asked, "But what does it do?" Jelf could havekilled him.

Under any other circumstances Bones might have dismissed his visitorwith a lecture on the futility of attempting to procure money underfalse pretences. But remember that Bones was the proprietor of a newmotor-car, and thought motor-car and dreamed motor-car by day and bynight. Even as it was, he was framing a conventional expression ofregret that he could not interest himself in outside property, whenthere dawned upon his mind the splendid possibilities of possessingthis accessory, and he wavered.

"Anyway," he said, "it will take a year to make."

Mr. Jelf beamed.

"Wrong!" he cried triumphantly. "Two of the lamps are just finished, and will be ready to-morrow."

Bones hesitated.

"Of course, dear old Jelf," he said, "I should like, as an experiment,to try them on my car."

"On your car?" Jelf stepped back a pace and looked at the other withvery flattering interest and admiration. "Not your car! Have you acar?"

Bones said he had a car, and explained it at length. He even waxed asenthusiastic about his machine as had Mr. Jelf on the subject of thelamp that never went out. And Jelf agreed with everything that Bonessaid. Apparently he was personally acquainted with the Carter-Crispleycar. He had, so to speak, grown up with it. He knew its good pointsand none of its bad points. He thought the man who chose a car likethat must have genius beyond the ordinary. Bones agreed. Bones hadreached the conclusion that he had been mistaken about Jelf, and thatpossibly age had sobered him (it was nearly six months since he hadperpetrated his last libel). They parted the best of friends. He hadagreed to attend a demonstration at the workshop early the followingmorning, and Jelf, who was working on a ten per cent. commission basis, and had already drawn a hundred on account from the vendors, was thereto meet him.

In truth it was a noble lamp – very much like other motor lamps, exceptthat the bulb was, or apparently was, embedded in solid glass. Itsprincipal virtue lay in the fact that it carried its own accumulator, which had to be charged weekly, or the lamp forfeited its title.

Mr. Jelf explained, with the adeptness of an expert, how the lamp wascontrolled from the dashboard, and how splendid it was to have a lightwhich was independent of the engine of the car or of faultyaccumulators, and Bones agreed to try the lamp for a week. He did morethan this: he half promised to float a company for its manufacture, andgave Mr. Jelf fifty pounds on account of possible royalties andcommission, whereupon Mr. Jelf faded from the picture, and from thatmoment ceased to take the slightest interest in a valuable articlewhich should have been more valuable by reason of the fact that it borehis name.

Three days later Hamilton, walking to business, was overtaken by abeautiful blue Carter-Crispley, ornamented, it seemed from a distance,by two immense bosses of burnished silver. On closer examination theyproved to be nothing more remarkable than examples of the Tibbett-JelfLamp.

"Yes," said Bones airily, "that's the lamp, dear old thing. Inventedin leisure hours by self and Jelf. Step in, and I'll explain."

"Where do I step in," asked Hamilton, wilfully dense – "into the car orinto the lamp?"

Bones patiently smiled and waved him with a gesture to a seat by hisside. His explanation was disjointed and scarcely informative; forBones had yet to learn the finesse of driving, and he had a trick ofthinking aloud.

"This lamp, old thing," he said, "never goes out – you silly old josser, why did you step in front of me? Goodness gracious! I nearly cutshort your naughty old life" – (this to one unhappy pedestrian whomBones had unexpectedly met on the wrong side of the road) – "never goesout, dear old thing. It's out now, I admit, but it's not in workingorder – Gosh! That was a narrow escape! Nobody but a skilled driver, old Hamilton, could have missed that lamp-post. It is going to createa sensation; there's nothing like it on the market – whoop!"

He brought the car to a standstill with a jerk and within half an inchof a City policeman who was directing the traffic with his back turnedto Bones, blissfully unconscious of the doom which almost overcame him.

"I like driving with you, Bones," said Hamilton, when they reached theoffice, and he had recovered something of his self-possession. "Nextto stalking bushmen in the wild, wild woods, I know of nothing moresoothing to the nerves."

"Thank you," said Bones gratefully. "I'm not a bad driver, am I?"

"'Bad' is not the word I should use alone," said Hamilton pointedly.

In view of the comments which followed, he was surprised and pained toreceive on the following day an invitation, couched in such terms asleft him a little breathless, to spend the Sunday exploiting thebeauties of rural England.

"Now, I won't take a 'No,'" said Bones, wagging his bony forefinger."We'll start at eleven o'clock, dear old Ham, and we'll lunch atwhat-you-may-call-it, dash along the thingummy road, and heigho! forthe beautiful sea-breezes."

"Thanks," said Hamilton curtly. "You may dash anywhere you like, but

I'm dashed if I dash with you. I have too high a regard for my life."

"Naughty, naughty!" said Bones, "I've a good mind not to tell you what

I was going to say. Let me tell you the rest. Now, suppose," he said mysteriously, "that there's a certain lady – a jolly old girl named

Vera – ha – ha!"

Hamilton went red.

"Now, listen, Bones," he said; "we'll not discuss any other person thanourselves."