More Bab Ballads

He saw his ANNIE tremble and he saw his ANNIE start,
Her changing colour trumpeted the flutter at her heart;
Young GILBERT’S manly bosom rose and sank with jealous fear,
And he said, “O gentle ANNIE, what’s the meaning of this here?”

And ANNIE answered, blushing in an interesting way,
“You think, no doubt, I’m sighing for that felon PETER GRAY:
That I was his young woman is unquestionably true,
But not since I began a-keeping company with you.”

Then GILBERT, who was irritable, rose and loudly swore
He’d know the reason why if she refused to tell him more;
And she answered (all the woman in her flashing from her eyes)
“You mustn’t ask no questions, and you won’t be told no lies!

“Few lovers have the privilege enjoyed, my dear, by you,
Of chopping off a rival’s head and quartering him too!
Of vengeance, dear, to-morrow you will surely take your fill!”
And GILBERT ground his molars as he answered her, “I will!”

Young GILBERT rose from table with a stern determined look,
And, frowning, took an inexpensive hatchet from its hook;
And ANNIE watched his movements with an interested air—
For the morrow—for the morrow he was going to prepare!

He chipped it with a hammer and he chopped it with a bill,
He poured sulphuric acid on the edge of it, until
This terrible Avenger of the Majesty of Law
Was far less like a hatchet than a dissipated saw.

And ANNIE said, “O GILBERT, dear, I do not understand
Why ever you are injuring that hatchet in your hand?’
He said, “It is intended for to lacerate and flay
The neck of that unmitigated villain PETER GRAY!”

“Now, GILBERT,” ANNIE answered, “wicked headsman, just beware—
I won’t have PETER tortured with that horrible affair;
If you appear with that, you may depend you’ll rue the day.”
But GILBERT said, “Oh, shall I?” which was just his nasty way.

He saw a look of anger from her eyes distinctly dart,
For ANNIE was a woman, and had pity in her heart!
She wished him a good evening—he answered with a glare;
She only said, “Remember, for your ANNIE will be there!”

* * * * * * * *

The morrow GILBERT boldly on the scaffold took his stand,
With a vizor on his face and with a hatchet in his hand,
And all the people noticed that the Engine of the Law
Was far less like a hatchet than a dissipated saw.

The felon very coolly loosed his collar and his stock,
And placed his wicked head upon the handy little block.
The hatchet was uplifted for to settle PETER GRAY,
When GILBERT plainly heard a woman’s voice exclaiming, “Stay!”

’Twas ANNIE, gentle ANNIE, as you’ll easily believe.
“O GILBERT, you must spare him, for I bring him a reprieve,
It came from our Home Secretary many weeks ago,
And passed through that post-office which I used to keep at Bow.

“I loved you, loved you madly, and you know it, GILBERT CLAY,
And as I’d quite surrendered all idea of PETER GRAY,
I quietly suppressed it, as you’ll clearly understand,
For I thought it might be awkward if he came and claimed my hand.

“In anger at my secret (which I could not tell before),
To lacerate poor PETER GRAY vindictively you swore;
I told you if you used that blunted axe you’d rue the day,
And so you will, young GILBERT, for I’ll marry PETER GRAY!”

[And so she did.

Ballad: An Unfortunate Likeness

I’ve painted SHAKESPEARE all my life—
“An infant” (even then at “play”!)
“A boy,” with stage-ambition rife,
Then “Married to ANN HATHAWAY.”

“The bard’s first ticket night” (or “ben.”),
His “First appearance on the stage,”
His “Call before the curtain”—then
“Rejoicings when he came of age.”

The bard play-writing in his room,
The bard a humble lawyer’s clerk.
The bard a lawyer[1 - “Go with me to a Notary—seal me thereYour single bond.”—Merchant of Venice, Act I., sc. 3.]—parson[2 - “And there shall she, at Friar Lawrence’ cell,Be shrived and married.”—Romeo and Juliet, Act II., sc. 4.]—groom[3 - “And give the fasting horses provender.”—Henry the Fifth, Act IV., sc. 2.]—
The bard deer-stealing, after dark.

The bard a tradesman[4 - “Let us, like merchants, show our foulest wares.”—Troilus and Cressida, Act I., sc. 3.]—and a Jew[5 - “Then must the Jew be merciful.”—Merchant of Venice, Act IV., sc. 1.]—
The bard a botanist[6 - “The spring, the summer,The chilling autumn, angry winter, changeTheir wonted liveries.”—Midsummer Night Dream, Act IV., sc. 1.]—a beak[7 - “In the county of Glo’ster, justice of the peace and coram.”Merry Wives of Windsor, Act I., sc. 1.]—
The bard a skilled musician[8 - “What lusty trumpet thus doth summon us?”—King John, Act V., sc. 2.] too—
A sheriff[9 - “And I’ll provide his executioner.”—Henry the Sixth (Second Part), Act III., sc. 1.] and a surgeon[10 - “The lioness had torn some flesh away,Which all this while had bled.”—As You Like It, Act IV., sc. 3.] eke!

Yet critics say (a friendly stock)
That, though it’s evident I try,
Yet even I can barely mock