Deep Waters, the Entire Collection

Mr. Billing said “Oh!” again; and, after thinking the matter over, called next day at the Settlement and explained his position.

“It’s all right for gentlemen like you,” he said civilly. “But a man. like me can’t call his soul ‘is own—or even ‘is bedroom. Everybody takes advantage of ‘im. Nobody ever gives you a punch, and, as for putting babies in your bedroom, they wouldn’t dream of it.”

He left amid expressions of general regret, turning a deaf ear to all suggestions about making another start, and went off exulting in his freedom.

His one trouble was Mr. Purnip, that estimable gentleman, who seemed to have a weird gift of meeting him at all sorts of times and places, never making any allusion to his desertion, but showing quite clearly by his manner that he still hoped for the return of the wanderer. It was awkward for a man of sensitive disposition, and Mr. Billing, before entering a street, got into the habit of peering round the corner first.

He pulled up suddenly one evening as he saw his tenacious friend, accompanied by a lady-member, some little distance ahead. Then he sprang forward with fists clenched as a passer-by, after scowling at Mr. Purnip, leaned forward and deliberately blew a mouthful of smoke into the face of his companion.

Mr. Billing stopped again and stood gaping with astonishment. The aggressor was getting up from the pavement, while Mr. Purnip, in an absolutely correct attitude, stood waiting for him. Mr. Billing in a glow of delight edged forward, and, with a few other fortunates, stood by watching one of the best fights that had ever been seen in the district. Mr. Purnip’s foot-work was excellent, and the way he timed his blows made Mr. Billing’s eyes moist with admiration.

It was over at last. The aggressor went limping off, and Mr. Purnip, wiping his bald head, picked up his battered and dusty hat from the roadway and brushed it on his sleeve. He turned with a start and a blush to meet the delighted gaze of Mr. Billing.

“I’m ashamed of myself,” he murmured, brokenly—“ashamed.”

“Ashamed!” exclaimed the amazed Mr. Billing. “Why, a pro couldn’t ha’ done better.”

“Such an awful example,” moaned the other. “All my good work here thrown away.”

“Don’t you believe it, sir,” said Mr. Billing, earnestly. “As soon as this gets about you’ll get more members than you want a’most. I’m coming back, for one.”

Mr. Purnip turned and grasped his hand.

“I understand things now,” said Mr. Billing, nodding sagely. “Turning the other cheek’s all right so long as you don’t do it always. If you don’t let ‘em know whether you are going to turn the other cheek or knock their blessed heads off, it’s all right. ‘Arf the trouble in the world is caused by letting people know too much.”

HUSBANDRY

Dealing with a man, said the night-watchman, thoughtfully, is as easy as a teetotaller walking along a nice wide pavement; dealing with a woman is like the same teetotaller, arter four or five whiskies, trying to get up a step that ain’t there. If a man can’t get ‘is own way he eases ‘is mind with a little nasty language, and then forgets all about it; if a woman can’t get ‘er own way she flies into a temper and reminds you of something you oughtn’t to ha’ done ten years ago. Wot a woman would do whose ‘usband had never done anything wrong I can’t think.

I remember a young feller telling me about a row he ‘ad with ‘is wife once. He ‘adn’t been married long and he talked as if the way she carried on was unusual. Fust of all, he said, she spoke to ‘im in a cooing sort o’ voice and pulled his moustache, then when he wouldn’t give way she worked herself up into a temper and said things about ‘is sister. Arter which she went out o’ the room and banged the door so hard it blew down a vase off the fireplace. Four times she came back to tell ‘im other things she ‘ad thought of, and then she got so upset she ‘ad to go up to bed and lay down instead of getting his tea. When that didn’t do no good she refused her food, and when ‘e took her up toast and tea she wouldn’t look at it. Said she wanted to die. He got quite uneasy till ‘e came ‘ome the next night and found the best part of a loaf o’ bread, a quarter o’ butter, and a couple o’ chops he ‘ad got in for ‘is supper had gorn; and then when he said ‘e was glad she ‘ad got ‘er appetite back she turned round and said that he grudged ‘er the food she ate.

And no woman ever owned up as ‘ow she was wrong; and the more you try and prove it to ‘em the louder they talk about something else. I know wot I’m talking about because a woman made a mistake about me once, and though she was proved to be in the wrong, and it was years ago, my missus shakes her ‘ead about it to this day.

It was about eight years arter I ‘ad left off going to sea and took up night-watching. A beautiful summer evening it was, and I was sitting by the gate smoking a pipe till it should be time to light up, when I noticed a woman who ‘ad just passed turn back and stand staring at me. I’ve ‘ad that sort o’ thing before, and I went on smoking and looking straight in front of me. Fat middle-aged woman she was, wot ‘ad lost her good looks and found others. She stood there staring and staring, and by and by she tries a little cough.

I got up very slow then, and, arter looking all round at the evening, without seeing ‘er, I was just going to step inside and shut the wicket, when she came closer.

“Bill!” she ses, in a choking sort o’ voice.

“Bill!”

I gave her a look that made her catch ‘er breath, and I was just stepping through the wicket, when she laid hold of my coat and tried to hold me back.

“Do you know wot you’re a-doing of?” I ses, turning on her.

“Oh, Bill dear,” she ses, “don’t talk to me like that. Do you want to break my ‘art? Arter all these years!”

She pulled out a dirt-coloured pocket-’ankercher and stood there dabbing her eyes with it. One eye at a time she dabbed, while she looked at me reproachful with the other. And arter eight dabs, four to each eye, she began to sob as if her ‘art would break.

“Go away,” I ses, very slow. “You can’t stand making that noise outside my wharf. Go away and give somebody else a treat.”

Afore she could say anything the potman from the Tiger, a nasty ginger- ‘aired little chap that nobody liked, come by and stopped to pat her on the back.

“There, there, don’t take on, mother,” he ses. “Wot’s he been a-doing to you?”

“You get off ‘ome,” I ses, losing my temper.

“Wot d’ye mean trying to drag me into it? I’ve never seen the woman afore in my life.”

“Oh, Bill!” ses the woman, sobbing louder than ever. “Oh! Oh! Oh!”

“‘Ow does she know your name, then?” ses the little beast of a potman.

I didn’t answer him. I might have told ‘im that there’s about five million Bills in England, but I didn’t. I stood there with my arms folded acrost my chest, and looked at him, superior.

“Where ‘ave you been all this long, long time?” she ses, between her sobs. “Why did you leave your happy ‘ome and your children wot loved you?”

The potman let off a whistle that you could have ‘eard acrost the river, and as for me, I thought I should ha’ dropped. To have a woman standing sobbing and taking my character away like that was a’most more than I could bear.

“Did he run away from you?” ses the potman.

“Ye-ye-yes,” she ses. “He went off on a vy’ge to China over nine years ago, and that’s the last I saw of ‘im till to-night. A lady friend o’ mine thought she reckernized ‘im yesterday, and told me.”

“I shouldn’t cry over ‘im,” ses the potman, shaking his ‘ead: “he ain’t worth it. If I was you I should just give ‘im a bang or two over the ‘ead with my umberella, and then give ‘im in charge.”

I stepped inside the wicket—backwards—and then I slammed it in their faces, and putting the key in my pocket, walked up the wharf. I knew it was no good standing out there argufying. I felt sorry for the pore thing in a way. If she really thought I was her ‘usband, and she ‘ad lost me– I put one or two things straight and then, for the sake of distracting my mind, I ‘ad a word or two with the skipper of the John Henry, who was leaning against the side of his ship, smoking.

“Wot’s that tapping noise?” he ses, all of a sudden. “‘Ark!”

I knew wot it was. It was the handle of that umberella ‘ammering on the gate. I went cold all over, and then when I thought that the pot-man was most likely encouraging ‘er to do it I began to boil.

“Somebody at the gate,” ses the skipper.

“Aye, aye,” I ses. “I know all about it.”

I went on talking until at last the skipper asked me whether he was wandering in ‘is mind, or whether I was. The mate came up from the cabin just then, and o’ course he ‘ad to tell me there was somebody knocking at the gate.

“Ain’t you going to open it?” ses the skipper, staring at me.

“Let ‘em ring,” I ses, off-hand.

The words was ‘ardly out of my mouth afore they did ring, and if they ‘ad been selling muffins they couldn’t ha’ kept it up harder. And all the time the umberella was doing rat-a-tat tats on the gate, while a voice— much too loud for the potman’s—started calling out: “Watch-man ahoy!”

“They’re calling you, Bill,” ses the skipper. “I ain’t deaf,” I ses, very cold.

“Well, I wish I was,” ses the skipper. “It’s fair making my ear ache. Why the blazes don’t you do your dooty, and open the gate?”

“You mind your bisness and I’ll mind mine,” I ses. “I know wot I’m doing. It’s just some silly fools ‘aving a game with me, and I’m not going to encourage ‘em.”