Bertie, May and Mrs Fish

D’ye ken Bertie Bingley with his face so red?

D’ye ken Bertie Bingley with no hair upon his head?

D’ye ken Bertie Bingley when he’s just got out of bed

And he can’t find his teeth in the morning?

T’was the crack of his two-pounder brought me from my bed

And the roar of the Daimlers which he oft-times led

For the rattle of his coax would awaken the dead,

Or Jerry in his lager in the morning.

Chorus

Ay, I ken Bertie Bingley and the rest of them too,

From the majors to the troopers they’re the Devil’s Own crew

And they live on porridge, whisky and stew

And they’re randy as a stallion in the morning.

Chorus (repeat)

So here’s to Bertie Bingley and his men the Inns of Court

For they know all the Devilry and tricks that he has taught

And here’s to the day when to victory they’ve fought

And they’re up on the Rhine in the morning.

Chorus (repeat)

I keep the torch under my pillow to light the way across my carpet and up the back passage steps into his room. I put the torch down on his chest of drawers … Words aren’t any use … my mother says … It’s only hitting him hard on the chest that wakes him up … there’s no knowing why … I lean forward towards him on tiptoe. He swipes with an open hand and knocks me backwards. I fall over on the bronze-and-yellow Afghan rug in my nightdress and get up and rush at him and punch his chest.

Then his arms drop on the bed and lie still in blue-striped pyjama sleeves and his eyes open and he looks at me and says … Hello-hello … what’s up … not asleep … off you go back to bed … into the arms of Morpheus … we’ll have a first-rate jolly in the morning.

Sometimes I hear him shout and I stay in my bed and lean over the side and wind up the gramophone and play my four 78 r.p.m. records: ‘Hang Out the Washing on the Siegfried Line’ with ‘Run Rabbit Run’. ‘You’ll Take the High Road and I’ll Take the Low Road’ with ‘Speed Bonny Boat’. ‘Sounds from the Hunting Field’ – side one and side two. When I put on ‘The Teddy Bears’ Picnic’ I sing along with a man … If you go down to the woods today … you’re sure of a big surprise … today’s the day the teddy bears have their picnic … picnic time for teddy bears …

3 MRS FISH (#ulink_10fab35a-b328-56be-9e8f-acf6d715b26c)

I put my fingers in my ears and run up the yard to the woodsaw that is screaming in the cart shed. Mr Munday pushes apple branches at circular whirling teeth spinning in and out of a slit in an iron table. A running tractor engine powers a long wide-webbed belt looped on the saw arm. As each slit log opens sawdust flies and a sawn log tumbles off the table. The saw whines until Munday feeds the branches to the spinning teeth again. I run back down the yard and unblock my ears going indoors.

In the kitchen jodhpur sweat is boiling out in a black cauldron before Mrs Fish scrubs the legs. My mother says … Shall we make a cake or meringues … I’ve got eggs to use up and enough sugar. I twiddle the wireless knob and see Mr Munday’s knuckles knock at glass in the kitchen door. My mother says … Open it for him … there must be something he wants.

Mr Munday comes in and one hand holds the other and his brown hand-knitted vest has wet patches and he says … The saw had my fingers off.

My mother pushes a black saucepan off a hot Esse plate and closes the chrome mushroom lid. She picks up a tumbler off the drainer and turns a tap and fills the glass and pushes the rim at Munday’s mouth and says … Drink some water … I can hold it for you … water will help … well done … that is enough … lift your hands up higher … up near your shoulder … keep as still as you can.

She tears a roller towel down the seam and tips two silver safety pins out of a jam jar by the wireless and says to me … Get cotton wool out of the dresser drawer. She wraps a sling round Munday’s chest and sticks in a pin at the back of his collarless shirt and a pin at the back of his elbow and looks in the sling and says … Give me the roll … and stuffs in all the cotton wool. She rinses blood off her hand under the tap and says … Come on … hurry … in the van … quickly … I’ll get the saddle room cotton wool … you jump in … Mr Munday in the front.

I run ahead and open the van door and clamber between the front seats onto the corrugated tin floor and pull a blue-and-yellow-checked horse rug flat. Mr Munday sits down sideways in the passenger seat and faces the house and I say … Put your feet in Mr Munday … I’ll do your door.

I clamber out of the van and run round the bonnet past the silver fox galloping in a horseshoe and slam his door and run back round and climb in again over the driver’s seat and my mother races down the yard in her blue dungarees and blue canvas lace-ups with hard jelly soles and says … Good girl.

She leans over the gearstick and unrolls the white cotton wool pad in royal-blue paper and stuffs a handful inside the blue-and-white-striped towel sling. Her hands get wet and she wipes cotton wool up her fingers and drops the red-and-white sticky lump by her feet. She starts the van. She backs past pigsties and swerves by the barn. The van roars up through the gateway past granary steps and the tractor shed’s dark-green corrugated door in bottom gear and stops at the cart shed by the tractor.

The saw whines and whirls and my mother leans over the spinning belt to the tractor and the blade slows down. She looks at the sawdust and kneels on one knee and reaches under the table and picks up – once and twice – and runs to the van and says … Don’t look … look away … both of you … and I see a fingernail black round the rim and cuticle and cut skin end and a second finger.

She puts Mr Munday’s cut-off fingers in cotton wool and wraps them in dirty green velvet she keeps for cleaning the windscreen and pushes the bundle onto the glove ledge in front of her knees beside a torch and a spanner and says … All right in the back … well done … sit on the rug … you made a good start on the wood, Munday … it is bad luck … they will take you in right away at the hospital … I will make sure you are seen to … then I can drive home and find Mrs Munday and bring her down … does she do up at Foxcote today … am I right? … until Jimmy comes home from school.

Mr Munday doesn’t speak. The van hits potholes by Sheep Dip hump and uphill by Five Acre and Triangle Field. My mother steers zigzags to miss the bumps and at the red gate on the main road she corners and changes gear up to top on the level past Wistley Common. At Chatcombe Hill brow she goes down into second and accelerates through the double bend along the rim of the steep drop to Chatcombe Wood edge and at Seven Springs she says … Look left Mr Munday … if you are well enough … anything coming on the Cirencester road … and he stares ahead.

She brakes and looks left to Cirencester and straight across towards Gloucester and right to Cheltenham. She takes her chance and accelerates right and freewheels down Leckhampton Hill and says … Now we are moving … it is good luck the road is clear for us … the dry wood left from last winter is enough for you Munday … and for us … plus two loads for Joe … and for Mrs Fish … we can use any old there is and add the new when you are well enough to carry on … there is plenty to creosote for now … that will be easier for you … larch posts for Grindstone fencing … and stable doors … the creosoting will keep you going … I will make sure there is work for you … Joe can take on things that need shifting … how are you holding up … not far now.

In Charlton Kings suburbs she says … Shall I risk it … thirty miles an hour will not get us there in a hurry … I am going to hope for the best. She cuts the red lights at the Prestbury Gymkhana field crossroads and says … Needs must … and she and I chant … When the devil drives … and the van corners right hard and right again onto gravel and stops and she looks back at me and says … You stay there … I won’t be long … I promise … if I have to be I will come to get you … out you get Munday … we will have those fingers stitched on again in no time … if that is at all possible.

She walks up the hospital steps and opens the door for Mr Munday and holds the velvet bundle in her other hand.

Mr Munday’s bloody vest comes home in brown paper and my mother hands it to Mrs Fish and says … Mr Munday had a bad time … two fingers lost on the circular saw … will you soak his vest … if it dries he will have it when he comes back from hospital … which hopefully will be before tonight.

She says to me … You stay here with Mrs Fish … I don’t know what time I will be back … have a hunt for eggs in the top barns … I see one hen going in and out … she may be thinking of sitting … if you count six or more in a nest we will move her into a coop … thank you Mrs Fish … the wireless says afternoon weather is uncertain … good luck with the drying.

Mrs Fish drops Mr Munday’s vest in a white enamel bucket of cold water and colours thicken from pale pink swirls to crimson. She turns back to the white china sink and her Woodbine ash falls and powders my mother’s pink brassieres and silk peach camiknickers and linen blouses and blue dungarees piled on the flagstone floor. Her orange ringlets bounce under a bright-green crocheted beret she keeps on indoors and she leans forward in hot water steam. Her splashed crossover cotton apron has flower faces and the black plimsoles she keeps in the coal shed and changes into from white rubber boots have no laces.

I go in the larder and scoop up food in my fingers. Pastry crust on rabbit pie and rice pudding from under brown skin and pale-pink rhubarb fool. I watch Mrs Fish through larder door hinges. She dangles jodhpurs on a thick wooden spoon. Dirty water trickles in the sink and she dumps the sopping wet lump on the drainer and spreads the legs and scrubs at buckskin thighs with yellow Sunlight soap.

I tip up a glass bottle of Kia-Ora orange squash and the bottle mouth knocks my front teeth and I lick hurt nerves. Three chrome thermoses for harvest teas stand in a row and under the slate shelf cider and ginger beer and Guinness brown glass bottles fill a cardboard box and a note says … Brown bottles – keep out of light.

I stand beside Mrs Fish at the sink and run cold water in a glass of orange squash. She hisses … Get me a gin then … go on … you heard. She grins and the Woodbine sticks to a lip and her teeth close on the little cigarette.

I can hear my father saying when he was home on leave … Here’s to mother’s ruin … and see him lift a cut-glass tumbler of gin and fizzy tonic … Shall we celebrate our beloved home by getting nicely foxed … what say you … how’s that for the best idea the Colonel has had all day … and he sips from the glass and says … That washerwoman has been at the gin again … she damned well has … taste this … it’s simply awful … watered down to cat’s piss … she will simply have to go … I will not tolerate petty thieving in my house … I most certainly will not.

Mrs Fish puts her face close to mine … If I don’t get my gin I’ll tie these sodding jodhpurs round your neck … I am telling you.

Her wet red fingers open and the soap bar slips underwater. She pulls a blue-and-white stained tea towel off the Esse chrome rail and twists the linen in her hands and shoves the tea towel back and walks down the long white dining room her black plimsoles squeaking.

The dining room has a rosewood sideboard spinette. The keyboard has been sawed out and there it stands ruined and pretty at the end of the dining room and along the polished top stands Dutch and Irish and English silver. A rosebowl engraved with my mother’s maiden name – ‘May Lenox-Conyngham – 1936 Pytchley Hunt Ladies’ Race’. Two silver cock pheasants … one pecking and one peering sideways. Two filigree jam pots with silver coolie hat lids and blue glass jars and a silver filigree pattern of tigers climbing flowers. Four glass decanters line up in grooved oak coasters with circular silver miniature picket fences. An Irish Waterford crystal decanter pair hold dark-crimson port and brown sherry. Two square Dutch ship’s decanters hold transparent gin and tawny whisky.

Mrs Fish pours three fingers of gin and carries the tumbler and decanter to the kitchen and runs cold water in the decanter and holds the glass neck out to me and says … You put it back … go on … I’m telling you. Her soapy fingers slip and I catch and hug the cut-glass and tiptoe to the sideboard and say under my breath … Don’t drop … don’t drop … and think I can hear my father’s voice shout … What the bloody hell is going on in here … I damned well want to know … speak up.

Mrs Fish drinks half a glass of gin and leans on the kitchen table and coughs. Her coughs are rough and brittle. I go out of the kitchen door and run up the yard slopping orange squash on dandelions and stones.

Outside the harness room the mounting block is a two-step concrete throne in sunshine. Behind a creosoted stable door horses’ shoes scratch cement and straw shifts under a pony’s feet. A crow flies over to Fishpond Wood. My father’s horse kicks a pine partition plank and splinters break. A horsefly comes at my face and swerves. My black pony hangs his head over a half-door and sighs and pricks his ears. I see creosote blister on stable doors facing south. Mrs Fish carries a clothes basket out of the kitchen door and weaves up coal shed cinder path and drops the basket. A forked ash pole props the washing line and Mrs Fish gives the pole a slap so the fork slides down the wire and the line sinks. She flings wet clothes up over the wire and clips stripped bark hazel pegs on overlaps of jodhpurs … knickers … blouses … brassieres … nightdresses … vests … dungarees. She stands on two sawn-off logs and throws white sheets up and over and steps down and tugs the sheets flat along the wire. Under the oak branches she does a dance with the forked ash pole to hoist the line and the wet clothes rise up and flap between the tree and coal shed roof.