From Stress to Success: 10 Steps to a Relaxed and Happy Life: a unique mind and body plan

It’s time now to focus attention on some of the physical health problems that may affect your ability to handle the outside (perceived) stressful events in your life. Some examples are outlined below and you may find it useful to consider if they could be affecting you in some way.

If you suffer from hypoglycaemia, a condition characterized by low blood-sugar levels, you will not feel relaxed and comfortable. Instead, following a large meal or an intake of sugar-rich foods, your blood-sugar level will first rise and then fall to disastrously low levels. When the level is low you will feel anxious, irritable, uptight, frightened and out of control. Under these circumstances any outside pressure at all is likely to have you complaining that you feel stressed. The slightest thing that happens will trigger off an emotional response and you will complain about the level of stress in your life.

It is not of paramount importance that you reduce the outside events that are perceived as stressful, nor is it of primary importance that you learn relaxation techniques and do deep breathing exercises. The answer is to deal with the physical problem of your hypoglycaemia. The way to do this is discussed in the relevant section in Part II.

Alternatively you may suffer from allergies. Eating certain foods may make you feel anxious or irritable. It is unlikely that you can recognize these foods yourself; they are usually masked food allergies. Fortunately, tests are available by which you can identify them. If allergies are part of your stress problem the answer is not to learn to relax but to have the appropriate tests done and change your diet accordingly.

You may suffer from a variety of infections, possibly only minor ones, that leave you feeling vulnerable and anxious. Again, the answer is not to learn to relax and deal with the stress, it is to take better care of your diet, take nutrient supplements if necessary and improve your immune function.

You may be suffering from vitamin or mineral deficiencies, or candidiasis or lacticacidosis (see Part II, pp. 319–22, 341). In all these situations and in many like them you will have a reduced tolerance for outside stresses. In addition, the physical health problem can generate its own stresses. Yet again, the answer is not for you to do deep breathing exercises, learn relaxation techniques, meditate or listen to tranquillizing music and sounds. The answer comes from dealing with the physiological problem that is stressing your body to such an extent that you have reduced emotional balance and reduced tolerance for external and perceived stresses.

Thus the first part of the book deals with your individual reaction to an outside event based on your past mental and emotional experiences and on what that event means to you at a subconscious level. It also includes the necessary background to the way you use your thoughts or the way in which you are at the mercy of your thoughts and how to control or change them to your own benefit. Techniques are included that will help you unravel your past and be more relaxed about the present and future.

The second part deals with any physical problems you may have that will reduce your tolerance to outside events and explains how these physiological problems can be remedied.

When you use the two approaches together you will have the tools needed to reduce your perceived stress levels to near zero.

Overall

In the course of researching this book I have asked a large number of people the same question, namely ‘What do you find stressful?’. The one outstanding result from this has been that no two people find the same things stressful. Things that stress one person are no bother to another. In fact, things that stress one individual may even be a positive pleasure to another. The conclusion from all this has been to bear out the hypothesis that there is no such thing as an independent entity called ‘a stress’ on which everyone can agree.

Rosemary H., already mentioned, found standing in supermarket queues thoroughly frustrating and she would mutter and fume at the slowness of the check-out girl and the customers in front of her. Another woman thought long queues were wonderful: they gave her time to stand quietly and think, an oasis of time in a busy day that seemed to be all rush and go.

One man, Peter L., felt very stressed when family members depended on him to know what to do and how to do it in any emergency. Tom D., on the other hand, loved being asked for help and thrived on the challenge of an emergency; but when nothing was happening and no-one needed him he then felt anxious and unwanted.

Denise H. could only complete a task when she had a definite deadline and knew it simply had to be done by then. Once she knew or set the deadline she could settle down and get on with the job. With no deadline she would potter around, getting nothing done, and feel thoroughly dissatisfied and stressed at the end of the day as a result of having achieved so little. In contrast Charles T. hated to be rushed or have deadlines. He accomplished most when he could get on quietly at his own speed. Knowing he had to have a job done by a certain time or date could freeze him into immobility and diminish his output.

What does all this mean? It means that each individual responds to outside events in a way peculiar to them. If you experience the outside events as pleasurable, fun, satisfying, challenging, exciting, positive, etc. you are unlikely to call them stresses. If you respond to them as worrying, frightening, threatening, unsettling, disturbing etc. you are likely to call them stresses.

Stress rating scale

A patient once said to me ‘I wish there was a pain scale so I could measure my pain on it and tell you I have pain at level 4, or whatever, just as there is the Richter scale for earthquakes. Then you would know what I am feeling.’

This is an understandable wish yet impractical because the pain of a cut finger can be nearly intolerable to one person and barely noticeable to another, or it can be unbearably painful when you are bored and thinking about it and of little consequence when you are absorbed in something exciting that you are doing. Pain is a subjective experience, so is stress.

Many efforts have been made to quantify stress and then measure the effect of a given number of units of stress on the body. They have failed. One such scale was quoted in Choosing Health Intentionally (X. K. Williams, Letts, 1992). This scale ranged from death of a spouse at 100 points, through being fired from work at 47 points to minor violation of the law at 11 points. In the original study it was found that 49 per cent of the people who scored more than 300 in a twelve-month period developed serious health problems.

However, this also means that 51 per cent of people who scored over 300 points did not develop serious health problems. Either their bodies were more robust or their experience of stress was much milder. In fact this is fairly obvious. The death of a spouse is going to be a far greater stress for a devoted partner who depended on the one who died than for a partner who was already contemplating divorce. Travel is a major stress for people who like a structured life with a steady routine whereas for those who are easily bored and like constant excitement it is a delight, and so forth.

It all comes back to the basic premise that is worth repeating over and over. There is nothing that is inherently stressful. It is your subjective assessment of the situation that determines whether or not it will be a stress.

This is a good time to consider the dictionary definition of stress. According to the Concise Oxford Dictionary it is: (i) a constraining or impelling force; (ii) effort, demand upon energy; (iii) emphasis or; (iv) force exerted between contiguous bodies or parts of a body. Another way stress is described is as some outside factor that impacts on you the object. In these definitions there is no suggestion that a stress is either good or bad. The stress of the wind on the yacht’s sails is what keeps the yacht moving once the helmsman masters the art of harnessing this stressor.

Pleasures may also be stresses. Anything that takes you outside your routine may involve a stress. Going on holiday involves the stress of deciding what to pack. Having a party involves the stress of extra cooking. A new and exciting job involves the stress of leaving old friends. There are stresses that you welcome and enjoy and call excitement and there are stresses that offer no pleasure.

Life without stress or challenge would be very dull and boring indeed. To avoid this and to avoid the pain of unwanted stress you need to convert all the unpleasant stresses into challenges, non-events or pleasant stresses.

It is time to start. If you think your problems are purely physical you may want to have a quick look at Part II and attend to whatever you feel needs attention. However, I strongly encourage you to work with Part I in depth. If you can sort out your reasons for thinking of things as stresses and learn to respond differently to them you may not only solve your emotional problems, you may also start to treat your body differently. The physical problems of Part II may disappear and thus their consequences may cease to be perceived as stress.

In other words you could be in a catch-22 situation. The thoughts and emotions you find unpleasantly stressful could be causing you to do things that are contributing to your health problems which in turn could be reducing your capacity to deal with situations in a non-stressful way.

Finally

Most of the contents of this book apply to most people but certainly all of the book does not apply to all people. As has already been said, it is common to find that something you thrive on worries someone else and things that other people take in their stride cause you considerable anxiety.

For this reason there may be times when you want to put the book down or skip a section, insisting it is not relevant in your case. This may be true but beware. If you feel irritated, impatient or uncomfortable with a section it may well be that it is in some way making you nervous by triggering off an emotion or concept that you have managed to bury. This may be the very section from which you can benefit the most.

The ideas expressed here have been developed over many years in clinical practice and in workshops. During this time thousands of people have, directly and indirectly, contributed their experiences and their response to this approach to dealing with stress. Very few ideas are original. Much of what any one person creates is a combination of many inputs that are then gathered together and developed further by the individual concerned. So it is here.

Many different techniques have been included in this work. Some have been successful; others less so. Over the years these have been distilled into my own particular way of working. I owe grateful acknowledgement to many sources often now long-forgotten. Most of all I owe thanks to the many thousands of people who have entrusted me with their confidence and shown a willingness to explore their innermost thoughts and experiences, out of which has come, hopefully, their opportunity to create a happier and much less stressful future.

Overall it can be said that the results, achieved largely through the efforts of the individuals concerned, have been impressive. Some people have made major gains, others have been willing to take only small steps. The most unexpected people have shown a willingness to make huge changes in their lives, to push their fears to the limit and to face up to and explore their inner anxieties, their uncertainties and past traumas. They have had the courage to take a good look at their past and their own attitudes and out of what they have learnt in this way to create a new and independent future, largely free from stress. You too can do this.

I have learnt many things during these years. I have learnt never to second guess what is bothering someone. The moment I do we get off track. Only you know what you feel. Only you know what is right for you. Only you can make the changes. I have also learnt that, by using the methods described in this book, people have been able to deal with a wide variety of stresses and come through smiling. The more willing you are to work with these ideas and explore them fully, the more successful you can be and the better your life can be in the future.

Finally, I have learnt to have great respect for every single person, not to judge them but to value them just as they are. Each individual is a single and valuable entity. Each individual is perfect, just as they are, for their present step on the pathway of their own chosen growth and development. This is true however much they plan to change and grow in the future, both immediate and distant. You too are perfect, however much you want to grow and change, and as soon as you can value yourself in this way you can have a happy and stress-free life.

One further point is worth emphasizing. The object of this book is to enable you to be in control of your life, your emotions and your responses to situations, to give you a clear base from which to enjoy your life and its relationships. It is you who can alter and improve your life, no-one else. For this reason you are not encouraged to lean on anyone or anything, including this book. At no time will you be told that it is all right in this particular situation to blame someone else, to depend on someone else rather than yourself for support and succour, to lie back and say that this time, just this time, the stress is too much and you cannot cope. You will always be encouraged to find your own way out, to rely on your own inner strengths. By all means relate to other people, share your emotions with them and welcome their concern for your welfare. But what happens if you are depending on them and they are not there for you? If you are relying on them and they don’t help, you have yet another stress with which to deal.

By not relying on others you are not becoming heartless or cut off. By being independently strong, centred and focused in such a way that you do not have stresses in your life you are not cutting yourself off from the normal interplays of emotions and relationships. On the contrary, when you are self-sufficient and centred you have much more to offer to other people. You no longer relate to them in a way that involves blame or guilt, strength or weakness. You will no longer try to manipulate situations, emotions or people, nor will people be able to manipulate you. Your relationships will be much more clear, honest and harmonious.

There may be times when the approach may seem to be heartless. It is not, nor is this the intent. There is a fine line between empowering you and seeming to be uncaring. The aim at all times is to empower you. I care too much to want to deprive you of your ultimate resource – yourself and your own strength.

This is a very practical book. You will be given a lot to think about and a lot to do. The result should excite you. Start reading – and enjoy.

Running a Phrase (#u8493f708-823e-52a1-8faf-1c1e985c853d)

Often in this book you will see the term ‘running a phrase’. Running a phrase is a very useful way to discover what is going on in your subconscious so let’s find out what happens.

The phrase you are told to run may be simple; it is usually short and you are told to complete the sentence over and over again. We will start with a simple and appropriate phrase, one you have probably said to yourself many times: ‘I feel stressed because …’ Say it once, complete it and write down the completion, or the second part. Then do this again. Repeat the process until your responses become repetitive but don’t give up. Continue for a while. There may well be some very valuable bits of information your subconscious is just getting ready to release.

There is a certain hypnotic power about the first part, the phrase itself. It’s as if it occupies your conscious mind and takes its attention away from monitoring what you are going to say next. Your subconscious is then free to let out little whispers of underlying truth. The results may look like this:

• I feel stressed because – I have too much to do

• I feel stressed because – I may not get everything done

• I feel stressed because – things are getting on top of me

• I feel stressed because – if I get behind I will be in trouble

• I feel stressed because – I’m not able to do everything I have to

• I feel stressed because – they’ll think I’m stupid

• I feel stressed because – I am stupid, I can’t cope

It is important that the completion is short and carries no explanation. If, after the first one, ‘… I have too much to do’, you had continued with ‘… there’s all the housework, and the children all seem to think I should do everything for them, and my husband does so much business entertaining and wants me with him…’ you would have lost the benefit of the process. You would have gone into justification, into logic, into the conscious brain’s ingrained pattern of justifying everything you do intellectually.