The Wedding Date: The laugh out loud romantic comedy of the year!

‘Appletini. Callum reckons they’re the in thing.’ Oh, so he didn’t blow her out of the water completely. ‘Vodka and apple schnapps.’ She takes a sip and sucks air in through her teeth. ‘Yikes.’

‘So you had time to discuss ingredients?’

‘And what time he finishes!’ She grins like a cougar that’s got the kitten and smacks her lips. ‘That has got a bit more kick than a V&T.’ She sits back and watches as I toy with the slice of apple, then leans forward. ‘You don’t have to go, Sam.’

We both know what she’s talking about. Sarah saw me through the break up, she fed me pizza, and supplied tissues and wine. And she listened. A lot. Sarah deserves a sainthood.

‘I do, Jess is my friend. And I’m supposed to be maid of honour.’

‘She’ll understand.’

‘Would you?’

‘Suppose not. In fact I’d think you were a bit of a selfish cow putting your broken heart above what’s supposed to be the happiest day of my life.’

‘Exactly.’ I know she’s said it tongue in cheek, but every word is true. ‘And I told her I was over Liam and had a hot new man.’

‘True.’

I take a big gulp of my drink, and my eyes water. ‘Wow.’ It comes out all spluttery and weak, I think my vocal chords have been damaged. ‘That has got a kick.’ It’s got a knock-you-over, brandy kind of kick. Maybe I should take Callum and just let him wreak cocktail havoc, nobody will remember a thing.

Sarah puts her hand over mine. ‘Sam you’re gorgeous, loads of men would kill for a date.’ We both know that’s the green cocktails talking.

‘Sarah, it’s got worse.’ I swig the rest of my lethal cocktail. ‘I haven’t just told Jess I’ve got a new man, I’ve told Mum as well.’

‘Shit.’ There is a long silence. ‘Your mother, why?’ Sarah knows what my mother is like (despite only meeting her once), because I have told her. And she has spoken to her on the phone.

My mother makes a habit of ringing me when I’m at work, and I make a habit of trying to avoid her calls. So she’s got sneaky and rings the travel agency number, and not my mobile. Sarah actually thinks it’s fun talking to Mum, so is more than happy to answer, and they’re practically on first name terms now. Getting Mum off the phone practically requires a degree in evasive manoeuvres though, so Sarah knows her pretty well.

She knows that my lie is now folklore.

‘I had to tell her, she rang to tell me she’s been invited to the wedding as well.’

‘Oh, double shit.’

We get another round of drinks, and by the time I’m halfway down I know I have to tell her about Amy. And Jake.

I take a deep breath. ‘I can’t take Callum.’ She looks slightly disappointed, but resigned. ‘And I think your escort idea is out, isn’t it?’ She nods glumly. ‘Even though it was a brilliant idea.’ I don’t want her to think I don’t appreciate her. ‘But, well, there is another option. A definite possibility.’ This is also the green cocktail talking. Cocktails have a serious role to play in society. I need a detached, independent opinion and Sarah is as detached as they come. And she’s all in favour of fake dates. ‘But it has to be a complete secret.’

If I ever do this, and I’m totally not sure I will, Sarah is the only person I know who definitely won’t drop me in it. She also tells the truth, apart from the bit about the stampede of men who’d kill for a date with me, but I know that is to cheer me up.

‘What kind of possibility?’

‘Tim knows this girl who’s got this brother.’ I can see her gaze wandering back to the cocktail shaker, I’m losing her. ‘Who’s an actor.’ She’s tuned back in. ‘Who would do it. You know be a fake date, but cheaper than those agencies.’ I hope. Maybe I need to ask Amy how much he’d charge. If we could work it out on a sliding latte scale I’d be okay, but if he wanted film star rates… ‘And I wouldn’t need a dog, and I’d know him.’ Kind of. ‘So it wouldn’t be as weird.’ Maybe.

‘Wow, a hot, sexy actor—’

‘I didn’t say…’

‘Picture?’

‘I haven’t…’

‘What’s his name? Come on, let’s Google him. God, I can’t believe you haven’t done that yet. I Google everybody.’ She does. Everybody and everything.

‘I’ve got his sister Amy’s number, she said to get in touch if I decide…’

‘Well, you’ve decided. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me straight away. Come on, let’s get another round of those apple things in and give sister Amy a call.’ Sarah giggles. ‘This is amazeballs.’ Sarah often gets carried away after a few drinks and ‘amazeballs’ is her latest word; at least she’s moved on from calling everything ‘sick’. I blame it on spending too much time playing online video games with teenagers. ‘The dog’s bollocks.’ See? ‘What if it’s Brad Pitt?’

‘It isn’t Brad Pitt.’ I reluctantly wave Amy’s card in front of her. ‘She’s called Amy Taylor-Smith.’

‘But he’ll have an acting name. Gimme.’ She snatches the card before I can stop her. ‘You go and get the drinks in, I’m going to ring Amy. Oh God, this is SO much better than just going to an escort agency, this is SO exciting.’

By the time I’ve walked to the bar and back I’ve changed my mind. Again.

‘I can’t do it.’

‘Bollocks, stop being a spoilsport. You know you want to!’

A little part of me does want to, but the logical, sensible part doesn’t.

‘It’ll be a right hoot!’

‘You’re not the one doing it. There are so many things that could go wrong, and he might be ugly, or gay, or have horrible blubber lips that I won’t want to kiss.’ I feel slightly sick at the thought of big fat lips heading towards me. ‘What if I agreed to this and then totally didn’t fancy him?’

‘Or what if he’s a sexier male version of his sister? I mean I’m firmly in the hetero camp, but she is seriously good looking. Family genes and all that, he can’t be a total minger, can he?’

‘How do you know what Amy looks like?’ I frown at her, suddenly suspicious.

She grins. ‘She didn’t answer when I called her, so I sent her a text, and she said she was in the middle of something. I had to do something while I was waiting, so…’

‘So you went on Facebook.’

‘Damn right I did. Look!’ Sarah shoves her mobile phone in front of my face. I look. ‘This is her, isn’t it? I have got the right woman, haven’t I? It would be so embarrassing if I’d got the hots for some totes different Amy.’

‘Yep, that’s her.’ She’s looking even more gorgeous than she did in the hair salon, and she’s got her arms draped round two very hunky men. Some girls have all the luck.

‘If her brother is dire, though I don’t see how that’s even possible, maybe she’ll lend you one of these? Or,’ Sarah pauses mid-sip, ‘maybe one of these is Jake.’ She enlarges the photo and we both peer. ‘They are seriously hawt.’

They are indeed quite hot. Easy on the eye, as my mother would say.

‘Isn’t this a bit stalkerish?’

‘Definitely not. It’s essential research. Right girlfriend, let’s get digging. If this is Amy’s profile then there’s bound to be a photo of her brother, isn’t there?’ She scrolls down, and I can’t help myself. I have to look. What if he is actually nice? More than nice? This could maybe work.

‘Have you seen this? Bloody hell, she was at the opening of that new bar, she’s a real mover and shaker, isn’t she?’ Sarah has got distracted from the mission. ‘Do you think she could get me an invite to some of these things, now you’re friends?’

‘I’ve only met her once.’