Monsieur De Pourceaugnac

Mr. Pour. It is not so much the fear of death that urges me to fly as the fact of being hanged, for it is a most degrading thing for a gentleman, and would ruin one's title of nobility.

Sbri. You are right; after such a thing they would contest your right of bearing a title of nobility.[18 - Noblemen were beheaded.] But, be careful, when I lead you by the hand, to walk like a woman, and to assume the manners and the language of a lady of quality.

Mr. Pour. Leave that to me; I have seen people of high standing in the world. The only thing that troubles me is that I have somewhat of a beard.

Sbri. Oh! it's not worth mentioning. There are many women who have as much. Now, let us just see how you will behave yourself. (Mr. de Pourceaugnac mimics a lady of rank.) Good.

Mr. Pour. Why, my carriage is not here! Where is my carriage? Gracious me! how wretched to have such attendants! Shall I have to wait all day in the street? Will not some one call my carriage for me?

Sbri. Very good.

Mr. Pour. Soho! there, coachman. Little page! Ah! little rogue, what a whipping you will get by and by! Little page-boy! little page-boy! Where in the world is that page-boy? Will that little page never be found? Will nobody call that little page for me? Is my little page nowhere to be found?

Sbri. Marvellous! But there is one thing that I see does not do. This hood is a little too thin; I must go and fetch you a thicker one, to hide your face better in case of any accident.

Mr. Pour. What shall I do in the meantime?

Sbri. Wait for me here. I will be back in a moment; you have only to walk about.

(Mr. de Pourceaugnac walks forward and backward on the stage, mimicking the lady of rank.)

SCENE III. – MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, TWO SWISS

1st Swiss. (without seeing Mr. de Pourceaugnac ). Come you, make haste, mein comrad, ve vill, both of us, go to ze market-place; to zee dis Porcegnac at de chustice, which him contemns to pe hung py de neck.

2nd Swiss. (without seeing Mr. de Pourceaugnac ). Ve moost hire one vindow to zee dis chustice.

1st Swiss. Man says dat zey alreaty a great new gallow plant hafe, to hang dis Porcegnac to it.

2nd Swiss. It will pe, yes, a great pleazure to see dis Limossin hung.

1st Swiss. Ja! to see him vaggle de feet up zere pefor all de peoples!

2nd Swiss. He pe one funny man, he pe; man says dat he married dree times hafe.

1st Swiss. Ze room fellow! he vant dree wifes all to himself! one fery much pe quite enough for him.

2nd Swiss. (perceiving Mr. de Pourceaugnac.) Ah! goot tay, missy.

1st Swiss. Vat do you zere all by self.

Mr. Pour. I am waiting for my servants, gentlemen.

2nd Swiss. You pe prooty, missy?

Mr. Pour. Gently, sirs.

1st Swiss. Missy, vill you come and amuse you on de market-place? Ve will make you zee one little hanging fery prooty.

Mr. Pour. I am much obliged to you.

2nd Swiss. It is a Limossin chentleman vat will hung pe fery prootily at a great gallow.

Mr. Pour. I am not desirous to see it.

1st Swiss. You hafe one much funny prest…

Mr. Pour. Ah! this is too much! and such odious things are not said to a woman of my position.

2nd Swiss. You go avay.

1st Swiss. Me vill let not you.

2nd Swiss. Put I vill, I tell ye. (Both lay hold of Mr. de Pourceaugnac roughly.)

1st Swiss. I vill not let you.

2nd Swiss. You hafe told one fery mooch lie.

1st Swiss. You hafe told one lie yourself.

Mr. Pour. Help! help! police!

SCENE IV. – MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, THREE POLICE OFFICERS, TWO SWISS

Off. What is it? what is the meaning of this violence? and what are you doing to this lady? Be off at once, unless you wish to be put in prison.

1st Swiss. Goot, you gone, you vill not hafe her.

2nd Swiss. Goot, you gone too, you vill not hafe her also.

SCENE V. – MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, THREE POLICE OFFICERS

Mr. Pour. I am much obliged to you, Sir, for saving me from those insolent fellows.

Off. Oh! oh! This is a face which is deucedly like that which was described to me.

Mr. Pour. It is not I, I assure you.

Off. Oh! oh! what does this mean?

Mr. Pour. I don't know.

Off. What is it, then, that makes you say that?

Mr. Pour. Nothing.

Off. This manner of speaking is somewhat ambiguous, and you are my prisoner.