Monsieur De Pourceaugnac

Apo. I know; I know all about it. I was there when he was told of this affair. Upon my word, Sir; upon my word, you could not apply to a more skilful doctor. He is a man who understands medicine thoroughly, as well as I do my A B C;[8 - Ma croix de par Dieu, "my Christ-cross-row," or "Criss-cross-row," in old and provincial English.] and who, were you to die for it, would not abate one iota of the rules of the ancients. Yes, he always follows the high-road – the high-road, Sir, and doesn't spend his time finding out mares' nests. For all the gold in the world he would not cure anybody with other medicines than those prescribed by the faculty.

Era. He is quite right. A patient should not wish to be cured unless the faculty consents to it.

Apo. It is not because we are great friends that I speak so of him; but it is a pleasure to be his patient, and I had rather die by his medicines than be cured with those of another. For, whatever may happen, we know for certain that things are always in due order; and should we die under his care, our heirs have nothing to reproach us with.

Era. A great comfort to a dead man.

Apo. Certainly; it is pleasant to have died according to rules. Moreover, he is not one of those doctors who let a disease off. He is an expeditious man – expeditious, Sir, who likes to clear off his patients; and when they are to die, the thing is done in no time.

Era. There is, to be sure, nothing like going through the business quickly.

Apo. Indeed, what is the use of haggling over the matter, and beating so long about the bush? One should know offhand the long and short of an illness.

Era. You are quite right.

Apo. Why, he did me the honour of taking care of three of my children; they died in less than four days, whereas with another they would have lingered for more than three months.

Era. It is a blessing to have friends like these.

Apo. Decidedly. I have still two children left, of whom he takes care as if they were his own; he attends them, and physics them as he pleases, without my interfering in the least; and very frequently on my return from the city, I am quite surprised to find that they have been bled or purged by his direction.

Era. This is kind care indeed!

Apo. Here he is, here he is; here he is coming.

SCENE VIII. – ÉRASTE, 1ST PHYSICIAN, APOTHECARY, COUNTRYMAN, COUNTRYWOMAN

C. Man. Sir, he can hold out no longer; he says he feels the greatest pains imaginable in his head.

1st Phy. The patient is a fool; for in the disease by which he is attacked it is not his head, according to Galen, but the spleen, which must give pain.

C. Man. However this may be, Sir, he has had for the last six months a laxity with it.

1st Phy. That's right. It is a sign that his body is clearing. I will go and see him in two or three days; but if he dies before, mind you do not forget to give me notice, for it is not proper that a doctor should go to visit a dead man.

C. Wom. (to Physician). My father, Sir, is getting worse and worse.

1st Phy. It is no fault of mine; I send him remedies; why does he not get better? How many times has he been bled?

C. Wom. Fifteen times, Sir, in twenty days.

1st Phy. Fifteen times?

C. Wom. Yes.

1st Phy. And he does not get better?

C. Wom. No, Sir.

1st Phy. It is a sign that the seat of the malady is not in the blood. He must be purged as many times, to see if it is in the humours; and if this does not succeed, we will send him to the bath.

Apo. This is the beau-idéal of physic.

SCENE IX. – ÉRASTE, 1ST PHYSICIAN, APOTHECARY

Era. (to the Physician). It was I, Sir, who sent to you few days ago about a relation of mine who is not quite right in his mind; and I want him to live in your house, as it would be more convenient for you to attend to him, and to prevent him from being seen by too many people.

1st Phy. Yes, Sir, I have got everything ready; and I will take the utmost care of him.

Era. Here he is.

1st Phy. That is most fortunate; for I have with me just now an old physician, a friend of mine, with whom I should be glad to consult concerning this disorder.

SCENE X. – MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, ÉRASTE, 1ST PHYSICIAN, APOTHECARY

Era. (to Mr. De Pourceaugnac). I am obliged to leave you a moment for a little affair which requires my presence; (showing the Physician) but this person, in whose hands I leave you, will do for you all he possibly can.

1st Phy. I am bound by my profession to do so; and it is enough that you should lay this duty upon me.

Mr. Pour. (aside). It is his steward, no doubt; he must be a man of quality.

1st Phy. (to Éraste). Yes, Sir; I assure you that I shall treat this gentleman methodically, and in strict accordance with the rules of our art.

Mr. Pour. Indeed, I do not ask for so much ceremony; and I have not come here to trouble you so.

1st Phy. Such a duty is a pleasure to me.

Era. (to 1st Physician). Nevertheless, here are ten pistoles beforehand, as an earnest of what I have promised you.

Mr. Pour. No, if you please; I won't hear of your spending anything on my account, nor do I wish you to send for anything particular for me.

Era. Ah, pray, do not trouble yourself; it is not for that you imagine.

Mr. Pour. I beg of you to treat me only as a friend.

Era. It is exactly what I mean to do. (Aside to the Physician.) I particularly recommend you not to let him slip out of your hands, for at times he tries to escape.

1st Phy. You need not fear.

Era. (to Mr. De Pourceaugnac). Pray excuse the incivility I commit.

Mr. Pour. Don't mention it. You are really too kind.

SCENE XI. – MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, 1ST PHYSICIAN, 2ND PHYSICIAN, APOTHECARY

1st Phy. It is a great honour to me to be chosen to do you a service.

Mr. Pour. I am your servant.