Be My Baby

‘How could you be surprised? How could you be shocked that you had a daughter, when on the day we found out, you held my hand and told me our life would be amazing? How could you possibly not know you had a daughter when we made a plan to raise her together? You let me down.’

‘So that’s why you left?’ Jamie’s voice was thick.

‘I left?’

They sat in silence, staring at each other.

‘I feel like we’re having two different conversations,’ Jamie mumbled, rubbing a tired face with his hand.

‘Two different worlds.’

They sipped their tea, letting the quiet settle around them once again.

‘I called my parents last night, wondering if they knew I had a daughter. My mother told me to stop being so ridiculous, that surely I would know about it. There was something in her voice... she knew. She knew this whole time.’

His voice dripped bitterness.

‘Did they not stay in Badgeley? They would have seen me, seen Ez around town, wouldn’t they?’ Mollie frowned, trying to put it together. ‘I tried... I went there once but... the house was empty...’

‘Ez,’ Jamie smiled briefly, before shaking his head. ‘No, they left not long after I did. They were just waiting for the final kid to leave before they could move. They live in Kent. Did you... did you stay in Badgeley?’

Mollie made a face, ‘Where else was I going to go with a kid to raise?’

‘I thought you’d gone to Bristol, to uni, like the original plan.’

She shrugged, ‘I suppose if I’d looked into the possibilities of university life with a baby, maybe I would have. But it seemed too difficult. I stayed at home. And then, after Ruby died, she left us this place, and so we moved, me and Evie and Esme. To build a new home.’

He looked around, ‘It seems like you’re doing amazing things.’

‘Have you got other kids? A family?’ Mollie heard herself ask, and pretended it was just for Esme’s sake, a question that needed to be asked.

‘No, nothing like that,’ he shrugged, slurping his tea, more relaxed now that they were talking, ‘I’m in the army. Just got back from a tour in Afghanistan. I was out there longer than usual, so I’ve been encouraged to take a little more time on leave, get my head straight before I hear about my next assignment.’

‘Oh.’

‘Oh?’ Jamie smiled, ‘Not what you were expecting?’

‘No, I thought you’d be a history lecturer or something, working at a museum, something... you know, boring,’ Mollie allowed herself a small smile, annoyed at herself, but it was hard to stop it, especially looking at the man in front of her, so unexpected, so different from that boy who loved books and the past. He’d made it as a cool kid, though, Jamie. Maybe because he was a good fighter, but mainly because he wasn’t afraid to laugh at himself. And because he’d been kind.

‘I studied history,’ Jamie sighed, nodding, ‘not at York, but... yeah, anyway, it didn’t seem... I don’t know. I carried on with the TA, joined the army. And here I am.’

Mollie frowned, ‘That’s the last thing I’d ever expect from you.’

‘Yeah, wasn’t where I thought I’d end up either,’ his smile faded.

The silence settled once again, and this time it bugged Mollie, ‘If you’re going to ask, just ask.’

Jamie didn’t even question what she meant, ‘I want to meet her. I want to know her, and know about her life and I want her to know me. I want to apologise to her for not being there. I want to be with her as much as I can...’

‘...before you fly back out to god knows where.’ Mollie finished, pointedly. ‘Do you think that’s fair on a child? She’s done well without a father for all these years. You want to offer her one, but then you want to disappear again in two months?’

‘I don’t want to disappear at all! It might be longer than two months, I’ve got to work with a shrink and they’ll assess when I’m ready to go back.’

‘So now you’re in therapy... you’re giving me more reasons to say no, Jamie,’ Mollie shrugged, ‘Look, I don’t know you. Esme doesn’t know you. You want to turn up and play dad, well, that’s not really how parenting works. Trust me, I’ve been doing it for a while.’

‘It’s not my fault she doesn’t know me!’ Jamie frowned, ‘If I’d known...’

‘If you’d known...’ Mollie frowned, her hand gripping the edge of the table. ‘Whose fault is it? What do you think happened, Jay? What made you leave and go off and live your life, if you didn’t suddenly decide it was too much sacrifice?’

‘You lost the baby!’ Jamie yelled, ‘That’s what she said. You’d lost it whilst I was away at that TA thing, and it was horrible and stressful for you, but you just wanted a clean break. You wanted a fresh start in Bristol, and if I loved you at all, I would give you that. You didn’t want to see me, it was too painful. That’s what they told me.’

‘Who? Who told you that?’

‘Your mum,’ Jamie shrugged, ‘and Ruby.’

Mollie wasn’t sure which betrayal was worse.

She looked at him, incredulous.

‘And you believed them? You just trotted back home, nodding your head, thinking “sure, that’s the opposite of everything Mollie has ever said to me, but whatever” right?’ Mollie felt her voice growing hoarse as she yelled, clutching the handle of her mug so hard she was scared it would snap. She felt the warm ceramic beneath her fingertips, her only lifeline.

‘I was broken, Molls, I... I’d dropped out of my uni applications, I’d made plans for us, my parents were angry...’

‘Oh, well if they were angry...’ Mollie rolled her eyes, gritting her teeth, ‘Why would you listen to them? And Ruby? Why would Ruby, of all people, the person who was helping me, supporting me...’

‘Because she told me I had to pass the stupid test!’ Jamie erupted, putting the mug down on the table, shaking his head in disbelief. ‘She said I’d passed the boyfriend test, but if I really loved you, I’d think about what was best for you, for your pain, not my pain. That I’d let you go, that I’d let you live the best life you could. She said I made you weak. That you’d care more about how I felt than yourself.’ Jamie looked up, ‘And she’s right. You were that person. You loved me more than you loved yourself. You would have given up everything for me. It was the right thing to do.’

Mollie felt her stomach collapse, wrenching around her torso, looking at him with pure rage, ‘This is my fault? I loved you too much? I was too selfless?’ Mollie put her hand to her forehead, ‘You were MY WORLD! And you thought that if I’d lost our child, I’D WANT TO BE ALONE? ARE YOU A MORON? DID YOU KNOW ME AT ALL?’

Jamie looked up at her as she towered over him, hands clenched, face red and puffy.

‘I guess not.’

***

‘You got another parcel,’ her mother threw it on the bed and trundled back down the hallway, a trail of smoke following her.

‘I’ve told you not to smoke in here!’

‘And I’ve told you to get your own place if you don’t like it!’ Linda replied, slamming the door.

The baby started crying, a high pitched wail that made Mollie want to cry with her. She was so little, the littlest, most perfect thing Mollie had ever seen. She held her daughter close to her, staring into those light blue eyes and desperately hoping they’d change as she got older, that they wouldn’t look so much like his. It hurt to look at those eyes sometimes.

‘Esme! We’ve got post! Shall we see who it’s from?’ She jiggled the baby between arms so she could settle on the bed and tear open the package. At times like this, she held her breath, allowing a brief moment of hope, that maybe it was Jay, that he’d sent her a letter explaining, apologising. That there was some sort of explanation that left him blameless, that he would come back for her and they could be a family. It was a lot of dreaming to fit into the three seconds before she opened the parcel.

It was Ruby. Ruby was the only one who sent her things, because she was the only one who knew she was still at home. Chelsea was sucked into Oxford life the minute she left, and Evie had tried hard, but eventually, she’d given up too, and Mollie couldn’t blame her. She didn’t give anything back, didn’t ask questions about club nights and societies, because she was more focused on her daughter’s sleep pattern. Not that she said any of that.