Valentine's Fantasy: When Valentines Collide / To Love Again

“Are you kidding?” Edie’s voice rose another octave. “That’s all everyone is talking about. My boss has left six messages on my voice mail. She’s worried how all this is going to affect your book sales.”

“Edie—”

“Not to mention, my assistant has fielded calls from the big three networks. Even The Enquirer called and stated they’re going to run a story about you two not sleeping in the same bedroom.”

“How did they—?”

Something loud roared from outside. Chanté lowered the phone. Was Matt doing something in the yard? She placed the phone back against her ear.

“—we’re going to have to do some damage control on this thing.”

“Edie, let me call you back.”

“No. We need to talk about this now.”

Chanté peeked out of the kitchen window and didn’t see her husband.

“Seth and I have a few ideas. What do you think about going on Larry King Live?”

“What? Are you sure all of this is necessary?” Chanté headed toward the front door.

“Vital. If this doesn’t work, we’ll have to sell our souls to get you on Oprah.”

Chanté opened the door, screamed and dropped the phone. “Stop! Stop!”

Now dressed in protective clothing, Matthew headed toward his wife’s brand-new Mercedes with a chainsaw.

“What are you doing?” she yelled.

“Divvying our assets, hon.” He smiled as he lowered his goggles and proceeded to cut the car in half.

“Stop, stop!” she screeched, but the loud buzz of the chainsaw drowned her out. Chanté raced toward the car, but jumped back before sparks showered onto her flammable outfit. “You’re crazy,” she shouted and stomped her fluffy pink house slippers.

Matthew didn’t spare a glance in her direction, but he smiled like a kid in a candy shop as the saw cut through the car like warm butter.

Chanté charged toward the garage, looking for something—anything. From the corner of her eye she spotted a pile of steel pipes on Matthew’s workbench and quickly grabbed one before returning to the yard.

The chainsaw jammed halfway through the Mercedes’ roof and Matthew climbed down, wondering if he had something stronger to finish the job when he saw an angry pink blur rushing toward him and he removed his goggles.

With a firm grip on the steel pipe, Chanté swung at her husband’s head like Barry Bonds going for another home run record.

Matthew ducked and felt the air swoosh past his head as he dropped the chainsaw.

The force of the swing twisted Chanté around in a complete circle and before she could adjust, her husband charged and tackled her to the ground.

This time the air was knocked out of Chanté’s lungs as the steel pipe bounced out of her hands.

“What the hell were you trying to do—kill me?” Matthew barked.

“Damn right,” she growled and tried to twist away and reclaim the pipe.

“Oh, no you don’t.” Matthew scrambled above her and pushed the pipe further out of reach. “You’re absolutely certifiable. You know that?”

“Me?” she shrieked. “Look what you did to my car!” Chanté squirmed and then started pelting him with her hands—a constant occurrence, especially in the last six months.

While the wrestling match grew fast and furious in the grass, the sprinklers came on and immediately drenched the couple from head to toe.

“My hair,” Chanté sputtered. “I just had it done. Let me up!”

Matthew tried, but the grass was slippery now and he had a hard time getting his footing.

“Get up!” she insisted, smacking him again.

After one too many pops against the head, Matthew waved a finger at her. “Has anyone ever told you that it’s never okay to hit?”

Her answer was to smack him again.

“Uh, excuse me.”

Chanté and Matthew froze, and then slowly turned their heads to see old man Roger, the lawn guy, peering curiously over at them.

“Uh, is everything all right, Mr. and Mrs. Valentine?”

Their smiles were instant and their expressions as innocent as they could manage.

“Everything is f-fine,” Matthew said, finally climbing off his wife and pulling her up with him. For a few strained and awkward seconds they stood before the elderly gentleman in the sodden grass while the sprinklers continued to drench and plaster their clothes against their bodies.

“Uh-huh.” Roger eyeballed them as if they were Martians.

Chanté snuggled against her husband and slid her arms lovingly around his neck. “We were just trying something new. You know...to keep things...fresh.” She planted a kiss on Matthew’s cheek. “Isn’t that right, hon?”

Matthew’s smile tightened. “Right...hon.”

Roger’s dusty brown face wrinkled as he scratched his short-cropped, cotton-white hair. “Uh-huh.”

“Well, hon,” Matt said. “I think we better move this lovefest back into the house.” Before Chanté had a chance to respond, Matthew swept up his wife, tossed her over his shoulder, and smacked her hard on the butt.

“Matthew!” Her fist pounded his back.

“Patience, baby.” Matthew winked at Roger. “She gets a little impatient from time to time.”

“Right.” Roger nodded as he watched Matthew march toward the house. From behind, Chanté lifted her head and waved.

At last, Roger turned toward the Mercedes. “Hey, what happened to the car?” He glanced back to his employers, but they were already entering the house.

Mrs. Valentine screeched. “Now put me down!”

The door slammed closed, leaving Roger to scratch his head and glance from the car to the front door. “I swear those two are as loony as they come.”