The Secret of Chimneys

‘What the hell are you doing with this pack of females?’ demanded McGrath. ‘Starting a harem?’

‘Not with this little lot,’ grinned Anthony. ‘Have you taken a good look at them?’

‘I have that. Thought maybe you were losing your eyesight.’

‘My eyesight’s as good as ever it was. No, this is a Castle’s Select Tour. I’m Castle–the local Castle, I mean.’

‘What the hell made you take on a job like that?’

‘A regrettable necessity for cash. I can assure you it doesn’t suit my temperament.’

Jimmy grinned.

‘Never a hog for regular work, were you?’

Anthony ignored this aspersion.

‘However, something will turn up soon, I expect,’ he remarked hopefully. ‘It usually does.’

Jimmy chuckled.

‘If there’s any trouble brewing, Anthony Cade is sure to be in it sooner or later, I know that,’ he said. ‘You’ve an absolute instinct for rows–and the nine lives of a cat. When can we have a yarn together?’

Anthony sighed.

‘I’ve got to take these cackling hens to see Rhodes’ grave.’

‘That’s the stuff,’ said Jimmy approvingly. ‘They’ll come back bumped black and blue with the ruts in the road, and clamouring for bed to rest the bruises on. Then you and I will have a spot or two and exchange the news.’

‘Right. So long, Jimmy.’

Anthony rejoined his flock of sheep. Miss Taylor, the youngest and most skittish of the party, instantly attacked him.

‘Oh, Mr Cade, was that an old friend of yours?’

‘It was, Miss Taylor. One of the friends of my blameless youth.’

Miss Taylor giggled.

‘I thought he was such an interesting-looking man.’

‘I’ll tell him you said so.’

‘Oh, Mr Cade, how can you be so naughty! The very idea! What was that name he called you?’

‘Gentleman Joe?’

‘Yes. Is your name Joe?’

‘I thought you knew it was Anthony, Miss Taylor.’

‘Oh, go on with you!’ cried Miss Taylor coquettishly.

Anthony had by now well mastered his duties. In addition to making the necessary arrangements of travel, they included soothing down irritable old gentlemen when their dignity was ruffled, seeing that elderly matrons had ample opportunities to buy picture postcards, and flirting with everything under a catholic forty years of age. The last task was rendered easier for him by the extreme readiness of the ladies in question to read a tender meaning into his most innocent remarks.

Miss Taylor returned to the attack.

‘Why does he call you Joe, then?’

‘Oh, just because it isn’t my name.’

‘And why Gentleman Joe?’

‘The same kind of reason.’

‘Oh, Mr Cade,’ protested Miss Taylor, much distressed, ‘I’m sure you shouldn’t say that. Papa was only saying last night what gentlemanly manners you had.’

‘Very kind of your father, I’m sure, Miss Taylor.’

‘And we are all agreed that you are quite the gentleman.’

‘I’m overwhelmed.’

‘No, really, I mean it.’

‘Kind hearts are more than coronets,’ said Anthony vaguely, without a notion of what he meant by the remark, and wishing fervently it was lunchtime.

‘That’s such a beautiful poem, I always think. Do you know much poetry, Mr Cade?’

‘I might recite “The boy stood on the burning deck” at a pinch. “The boy stood on the burning deck, whence all but he had fled.” That’s all I know, but I can do that bit with action if you like. “The boy stood on the burning deck”–whoosh–whoosh–whoosh–(the flames, you see) “Whence all but he had fled”–for that bit I run to and fro like a dog.’

Miss Taylor screamed with laughter.

‘Oh, do look at Mr Cade! Isn’t he funny?’

‘Time for morning tea,’ said Anthony briskly. ‘Come this way. There is an excellent café in the next street.’

‘I presume,’ said Mrs Caldicott in her deep voice, ‘that the expense is included in the Tour?’

‘Morning tea, Mrs Caldicott,’ said Anthony, assuming his professional manner, ‘is an extra.’

‘Disgraceful.’

‘Life is full of trials, isn’t it?’ said Anthony cheerfully.

Mrs Caldicott’s eyes gleamed, and she remarked with the air of one springing a mine:

‘I suspected as much, and in anticipation I poured off some tea into a jug at breakfast this morning! I can heat that up on the spirit-lamp. Come, Father.’