The Secret of Chimneys

‘Ever heard of Count Stylptitch?’

‘Now you’re talking,’ said Anthony. ‘Many people who have never heard of Herzoslovakia would brighten at the mention of Count Stylptitch. The Grand Old Man of the Balkans. The Greatest Statesman of Modern Times. The biggest villain unhung. The point of view all depends on which newspaper you take in. But be sure of this, Count Stylptitch will be remembered long after you and I are dust and ashes, James. Every move and counter-move in the Near East for the last twenty years has had Count Stylptitch at the bottom of it. He’s been a dictator and a patriot and a statesman–and nobody knows exactly what he has been, except that he’s been a perfect king of intrigue. Well, what about him?’

‘He was Prime Minister of Herzoslovakia–that’s why I mentioned it first.’

‘You’ve no sense of proportion, Jimmy. Herzoslovakia is of no importance at all compared to Stylptitch. It just provided him with a birthplace and a post in public affairs. But I thought he was dead?’

‘So he is. He died in Paris about two months ago. What I’m telling you about happened some years ago.’

‘The question is,’ said Anthony, ‘what are you telling me about?’

Jimmy accepted the rebuke and hastened on.

‘It was like this. I was in Paris–just four years ago, to be exact. I was walking along one night in rather a lonely part, when I saw half a dozen French toughs beating up a respectable-looking old gentleman. I hate a one-sided show, so I promptly butted in and proceeded to beat up the toughs. I guess they’d never been hit really hard before. They melted like snow!’

‘Good for you, James,’ said Anthony softly. ‘I’d like to have seen that scrap.’

‘Oh, it was nothing much,’ said Jimmy modestly. ‘But the old boy was no end grateful. He’d had a couple, no doubt about that, but he was sober enough to get my name and address out of me, and he came along and thanked me next day. Did the thing in style, too. It was then that I found out it was Count Stylptitch I’d rescued. He’d got a house up by the Bois.’

Anthony nodded.

‘Yes, Stylptitch went to live in Paris after the assassination of King Nicholas. They wanted him to come back and be president later, but he wasn’t taking any. He remained sound to his monarchical principles, though he was reported to have his finger in all the backstairs pies that went on in the Balkans. Very deep, the late Count Stylptitch.’

‘Nicholas IV was the man who had a funny taste in wives, wasn’t he?’ said Jimmy suddenly.

‘Yes,’ said Anthony. ‘And it did for him, too, poor beggar. She was some little guttersnipe of a music-hall artiste in Paris–not even suitable for a morganatic alliance. But Nicholas had a frightful crush on her, and she was all out for being a queen. Sounds fantastic, but they managed it somehow. Called her the Countess Popoffsky, or something, and pretended she had Romanoff blood in her veins. Nicholas married her in the cathedral at Ekarest with a couple of unwilling archbishops to do the job, and she was crowned as Queen Varaga. Nicholas squared his ministers, and I suppose he thought that was all that mattered–but he forgot to reckon with the populace. They’re very aristocratic and reactionary in Herzoslovakia. They like their kings and queens to be the genuine article. There were mutterings and discontent, and the usual ruthless suppressions, and the final uprising which stormed the palace, murdered the King and Queen, and proclaimed a republic. It’s been a republic ever since–but things still manage to be pretty lively there, so I’ve heard. They’ve assassinated a president or two, just to keep their hand in. But revenons à nos moutons. You had got to where Count Stylptitch was hailing you as his preserver.’

‘Yes. Well, that was the end of that business. I came back to Africa and never thought of it again until about two weeks ago I got a queer-looking parcel which had been following me all over the place for the Lord knows how long. I’d seen in a paper that Count Stylptitch had recently died in Paris. Well, this parcel contained his memoirs–or reminiscences, or whatever you call the things. There was a note enclosed to the effect that if I delivered the manuscript at a certain firm of publishers in London on or before October 13th, they were instructed to hand me a thousand pounds.’

‘A thousand pounds? Did you say a thousand pounds, Jimmy?’

‘I did, my son. I hope to God it’s not a hoax. Put not your trust in princes or politicians, as the saying goes. Well, there it is. Owing to the way the manuscript had been following me around, I had no time to lose. It was a pity, all the same. I’d just fixed up this trip to the interior, and I’d set my heart on going. I shan’t get such a good chance again.’

‘You’re incurable, Jimmy. A thousand pounds in the hand is worth a lot of mythical gold.’

‘And supposing it’s all a hoax? Anyway, here I am, passage booked and everything, on the way to Cape Town–and then you blow along!’

Anthony got up and lit a cigarette.

‘I begin to perceive your drift, James. You go gold-hunting as planned, and I collect the thousand pounds for you. How much do I get out of it?’

‘What do you say to a quarter?’

‘Two hundred and fifty pounds free of income tax, as the saying goes?’

‘That’s it.’

‘Done, and just to make you gnash your teeth I’ll tell you that I would have gone for a hundred! Let me tell you, James McGrath, you won’t die in your bed counting up your bank balance.’

‘Anyway, it’s a deal?’

‘It’s a deal all right. I’m on. And confusion to Castle’s Select Tours.’

They drank the toast solemnly.

Chapter 2

A Lady in Distress

‘So that’s that,’ said Anthony, finishing off his glass and replacing it on the table. ‘What boat were you going on?’

‘Granarth Castle.’

‘Passage booked in your name, I suppose, so I’d better travel as James McGrath. We’ve outgrown the passport business, haven’t we.

‘No odds either way. You and I are totally unlike, but we’d probably have the same description on one of those blinking things. Height six feet, hair brown, eyes blue, nose ordinary, chin ordinary–’

‘Not so much of this “ordinary” stunt. Let me tell you that Castle’s selected me out of several applicants solely on account of my pleasing appearance and nice manners.’

Jimmy grinned.

‘I noticed your manners this morning.’

‘The devil you did.’

Anthony rose and paced up and down the room. His brow was slightly wrinkled, and it was some minutes before he spoke.

‘Jimmy,’ he said at last. ‘Stylptitch died in Paris. What’s the point of sending a manuscript from Paris to London via Africa?’

Jimmy shook his head helplessly.

‘I don’t know.’

‘Why not do it up in a nice little parcel and send it by post?’

‘Sounds a damn sight more sensible, I agree.’

‘Of course,’ continued Anthony, ‘I know that kings and queens and government officials are prevented by etiquette from doing anything in a simple, straightforward fashion. Hence King’s Messengers and all that. In medieval days you gave a fellow a signet ring as a sort of open sesame. “The King’s Ring! Pass, my lord!” And usually it was the other fellow who had stolen it. I always wonder why some bright lad never hit on the expedient of copying the ring–making a dozen or so, and selling them at a hundred ducats apiece. They seem to have had no initiative in the Middle Ages.’

Jimmy yawned.

‘My remarks on the Middle Ages don’t seem to amuse you. Let us get back to Count Stylptitch. From France to England via Africa seems a bit thick even for a diplomatic personage. If he merely wanted to ensure that you should get a thousand pounds he could have left it you in his will. Thank God neither you nor I are too proud to accept a legacy! Stylptitch must have been barmy.’

‘You’d think so, wouldn’t you?’

Anthony frowned and continued his pacing.

‘Have you read the thing at all?’ he asked suddenly.