Sydney Harbour Hospital: Zoe's Baby

‘You want to know why?’

Not really, Zoe wanted to say. She didn’t want to hear about just how inept she had looked.

Teo took her silence for assent. ‘Because I saw you for the first time only a few days ago and you know what?’

‘No …’ Zoe almost smiled. She could play this conversational game, especially if he was going to say something nice after getting her to admit her ignorance about what he was going to say.

‘I thought you were Superwoman.’

Zoe blinked. ‘What?’

‘Superwoman,’ Teo repeated. ‘There you were, directing that accident scene, hurling yourself into a mangled wreck of a car, showing off some not inconsiderable skills in getting that woman’s airway and breathing sorted, and then you jumped into a helicopter and took off. All in all, it was a breathtaking performance. You should be proud of yourself.’

It was more than a nice thing to say. Zoe could feel an unfamiliar glow happening inside. She was feeling proud of herself. For the first time in so long. She ducked her head, embarrassed by the sincere praise. Or maybe it was the frank admiration she could see in those dark eyes that was so disconcerting.

‘You made it look easy,’ Teo continued. ‘Just another day at work.’

‘It was. Kind of …’

‘Kind of?’

‘It was my first day back since … oh, since I was about six months pregnant and I was beginning to think I’d never be allowed to go back.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because … um … I got postnatal depression after Emma was born.’ There. She’d said it. She risked a quick glance at his face. The admiration would be gone, for sure. Probably replaced with that wary look people got at the mere whiff of mental illness.

But Teo’s face hadn’t changed. ‘Badly?’

Zoe stared down at her hands. ‘Yeah … I got hospitalised and given some pretty heavy-duty drugs. And then I went into a mothering unit for a while. I’m back home now but … it’s still hard.’

‘Of course it is. Being a mother is hard enough without the extra challenge of PND.’

Zoe just nodded, glancing at her watch. If she left now, she could still make her appointment with John in time, but she didn’t want to leave Teo with this negative image of her. It would be far better if he continued thinking of her as Superwoman.

‘When I’m at work,’ she confided shyly, ‘I’m me. The me I used to be. The me I recognise. It’s when I’m at home that it’s different and it’s in places like this when I know the other mothers are watching me and judging me that it’s the hardest of all.’

She looked up at smiled. ‘Thank you for helping,’ she said quietly. ‘I don’t think you know how much it means.’

‘It was a pleasure, Zoe. I’m sure you’ve got a ton of friends supporting you but if you ever need an extra, I’ll be here.’

‘Thanks.’ Zoe wasn’t about to tell him that all her friends were in the ambulance service, mostly younger than her, and being in the company of a baby was only marginally less attractive than being in the company of a depressed woman. Let him think she was popular and well supported—in between her stints as Superwoman.

The fantasy was so far from the truth it was amusing enough to bring a genuine smile to her face as she took Emma and tucked her back into her car seat. Emma, bless her, didn’t wake up. Then she shoved the things threatening to spill from the pockets of the nappy bag back into place and she was ready to go.

‘Can you manage all that?’ Teo asked. ‘I could wander up with you, if you like.’

‘No, thanks.’ The last thing Zoe wanted was for John to realise she had a connection to someone he knew on a personal basis. Professional confidentiality was all very well but it didn’t apply between doctors, did it? ‘I can manage.’

‘Of course you can.’ Teo smiled again as he held the door open for her. ‘What I will do is have a word with the receptionist. They’ll slot you in for Emma’s appointment as soon as you get back from seeing John.’

Teo was busy for the rest of the morning and all afternoon that day.

A three-year-old boy, Timmy, who’d been burnt by climbing into a bath of scaldingly hot water was in the paediatric intensive care unit. Teo was part of the team led by Luke Williams that was having to deal with the complications of hypovolaemic shock caused by fluid loss from the burns. It was the child’s kidney function that was causing concern today and haemodialysis had to be added to the plethora of procedures that was keeping the small boy alive.

Timmy’s mother was beside herself with guilt and fear.

‘I had to feed the baby,’ she sobbed. ‘I had no idea that Timmy was trying to be helpful and run his own bath. I always, always run the cold tap first and then add hot water. I thought he was watching TV in the lounge room. The baby’s got colic and she’s really hard work after a feed.’

Teo could only listen and imagine how hard this had to be for her. There was no point in laying blame when it could only make things worse for everyone.

‘His dad walked out on us when I got pregnant again. One kid was bad enough, he said. He couldn’t handle having two.’

Teo made a sympathetic sound but part of his mind was wandering. Where was Emma’s dad? Zoe hadn’t mentioned a partner and he’d heard what sounded like a fierce determination to cope with her own situation. On her own. Had she been wearing a ring? He made a mental note to have a look next time he saw her.

Except he had no reason to see her again, had he?

The realisation was curiously disappointing and it stayed with him for the rest of the day as he did his rounds, checking on his small patients and comforting distressed parents. Zoe intrigued him. That she could be so competent in one area of her life and so lost in another made it seem like there had to be a key to unlocking the barrier dividing the areas. And it was sad that it was the home and family side that she was struggling with because Teo knew that was, by far, the most important part of anybody’s life. If Zoe could find it, she might not feel the need to be at work at all during this crucial stage of bonding with her baby and then, later, she could have the best of both worlds.

The final task of his day took him back to the paediatric outpatient clinic. Empty of patients now, there was only a cleaner pushing a vacuum cleaner around the chairs and a weary-looking receptionist filing paperwork at the desk.

‘Busy day, huh?’ He smiled at the receptionist. This wasn’t the time to take anybody to task for leaving a distressed mother and child without assistance while they had been waiting.

‘It was a nightmare,’ the receptionist said. ‘One registrar got called away for something on the ward and another had to deal with a kid who had an epileptic seizure in the toilets and we were running so late.’

‘Did Zoe Harper come back again with Emma?’

‘Yes.’ The girl gave him a curious glance. ‘Is she a friend of yours?’

Teo didn’t have time to respond. The cleaner was coming towards the desk.

‘I found this under the chair over there,’ the older woman said, holding out a leather wallet.

‘Oh, my goodness.’ The receptionist took the wallet. ‘Thank you so much. Someone’s probably worried sick about this.’ She opened the wallet. It had a pocket at the back for notes and slots for credit cards on the other side. In the middle was a plastic-covered pocket for a driver’s licence. ‘Zoe Harper,’ she said in astonishment. ‘Good thing you’re here, Dr Tuala.’

‘Is it?’

‘Well, she’s a friend of yours. You could take it back to her.’

‘I could.’ Teo’s tone was confident. Surely there’d be something in the wallet that would have her address on it? He could drop it off on his way home. He would get to see Zoe again. Even better, he could find out whether she had some support at home in the form of a partner.

He held out his hand for the wallet. ‘I’m on my way home right now,’ he said. ‘Consider it sorted.’

CHAPTER THREE

THE knock on the door couldn’t have come at a worse time.

Zoe was sitting in the tiny living room of her terraced cottage in one of Sydney’s older suburbs. Emma had been bathed and changed and had just started her final feed for the evening. And, for once, it was going well. Sucking on her bottle, she lay in the crook of Zoe’s arm, staring up at her mother. The memories of the awful morning they’d had in that waiting room were finally beginning to ebb away.