The Oracle Of Dating

The Oracle Of Dating
Allison van Diepen

For five bucks, the Oracle of Dating will tell you: How to flirt If that cute guy you're crushing on likes you, too Whether your new romance will last through lunch period And much more What she won't tell you? Who she is. No one at Kayla's school knows she's the famous Oracle of Dating—the anonymous queen of dating advice. She doesn't even have a boyfriend. Two relationship disasters were enough to make Kayla focus on everyone else's love life. But then her advice backfires on her own best friend.And Kayla starts to seriously obsess about Jared Stewart—the very cute, very mysterious new guy in school. Suddenly, the teen queen of advice needs her own oracle of dating—and she knows just where to find one….

The Oracle Of Dating

Allison van Diepen

www.miraink.co.uk (http://www.miraink.co.uk)

To all of the guys I’ve ever dated.

(Yes, you. And even you.)

one

New Year’s resolutions:

* Find Tracey a great boyfriend

* Make a choice about my hair: straight or curly, because wavy just isn’t working

* Cure cereal addiction (possibly through hypnotherapy—see Yellow Pages)

* Write more blogs for the Oracle of Dating Web site, give lots of dating advice, make stacks of $$$ and quit job at Hellhole

* Take the Oracle of Dating to the next level!!!

YOU MIGHT THINK that September is a weird time to be making New Year’s resolutions. Well, Mom never accused me of doing anything on time, especially tidying my room, loading the dishwasher or Swiffering the kitchen.

“I don’t see how you ended up with an eighty average last year, Kayla,” Mom says. “You’re always chatting online or on the phone.”

Which implies that I am not being productive.

The truth is, she has no idea what I’m really up to.

Brrrrinnnggg!

I clear my throat and answer, “The Oracle of Dating.”

“It’s client number zero-two-four.”

“Sabrina?”

“You remember me!”

“I do. What can the Oracle do for you?” I scoot over to my computer and open up my PayPal account to see that her five-dollar payment has been received.

“It’s about this guy, Shawn, I’m dating. I hate going out in public with him.”

A case of total butt ugly, perhaps?

“Why’s that, Sabrina?”

“He always embarrasses me somehow. Like when we went to the school dance Friday night, he was dancing like a maniac. Everybody was staring at him.”

“He’s a really bad dancer?”

“The worst. It’s not just that. Wherever we go, he says or does something dumb. But when we’re alone, he’s really sweet!”

“Mmm-hmm.” Listening noises are very important.

“What do you think I should do?”

“Have you talked to him about this?”

“Yeah, but he doesn’t get it.”

“I have another question for you, Sabrina. Do you love him?”

“I wouldn’t go that far. We’ve only been dating for a couple of months.”

“Why not find a guy who wouldn’t embarrass you in public?”

“It’s not so easy getting a boyfriend. He’s only the second one I’ve ever had.”

As I well know. Sabrina’s been calling me to discuss every crush and flirtation in the past six months.

“Ask yourself this. Are you with him because you really like him, or because you like having a boyfriend?”

“Er, maybe the second thing.”

“How would you feel if he answered the question the same way?”

“I wouldn’t like it.” She sighs. “I guess I have to break up with him?”

I lift the phone away from my ear and pound a tune into my little xylophone.

“The Oracle has spoken.”

“Thank you, Oracle. I know it’s the right thing to do.”

“Good night, Sabrina.”

I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE thinking. What makes me such an expert on dating? Have I had lots of boyfriends?

Um, no.

There have only been two, and both were disasters. But I’ve learned from each one, and now I think of them, with total detachment, as Case Study No. 1 and Case Study No. 2. I even made retrospective notes.