The Cynic's Word Book

"If less could have been done for him
I know you well enough, my son,
To know that's what you would have done."

Je bel Jocordy,

AFFIANCED, pp. Fitted with an anklering for the ball-and-chain.

AFFLICTION, n. An acclimatizing process preparing the soul for another and bitter world.

AFRICAN, n. A nigger that votes our way.

AGE, n. That period of life in which we compound for the vices that remain by reviling those that we have no longer the vigor to commit.

AGITATOR, n. A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors – to dislodge the worms.

AIM, n. The task we set our wishes to.

"Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?"
She tenderly inquired.
"An aim? Well, no, I have n't, wife;
The fact is – I have fired."

G.F.

AIR, n. That nutritious substance so abundantly supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.

ALDERMAN, n. An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving with a pretence of open marauding.

ALIEN, n. An American sovereign in his probationary state.

ALLAH, n. The Mahometan Supreme Being, as distinguished from the Christian, Jewish, etc.

Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept,
And ever for the sins of man have wept;
And sometimes kneeling in the temple I
Have reverently crossed my hands and slept.

Junker Barlow.

ALLEGIANCE, n.

This thing Allegiance, as I suppose,
Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose,
Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed
To smell the sweetness of the Lord's anointed.

G.F.

ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third.

ALLIGATOR, n. The crocodile of America, superior in every respect to the crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World. Herodotus says the Indus is, with one exception, the only river that produces crocodiles, but they appear to have gone West and grown up with the other rivers. From the notches on his back the alligator is called a sawrian.

ALONE, adj. In bad company.

In contact, lo! the flint and steel,
By spark and flame, the thought reveal
That he the metal, she the stone,
Had cherished secretly alone.

Booley Fito.

ALTAR, n. The place whereon the priest formerly ravelled out the small intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination and cooked its flesh for the gods. The word is now seldom used, except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a male and a female fool.

They stood before the altar and supplied
The fire themselves in which their fat was fried.
In vain the sacrifice! – no god will claim
An offering burnt with an unholy flame.

M. P. Nopput.

AMBIDEXTROUS, adj. Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.

AMBITION, n. An overmastering desire to be villified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.

AMNESTY, n. The State's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.

ANOINT, v.t. To grease. To consecrate a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.

As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood,
So pigs to lead the populace are greased good.

Judibras.

ANTIPATHY, n. The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend.

APHORISM, n. A brief statement, bald in style and flat in sense.

The flabby wine-skin of a brain
That, spilling once and filled again,
Voids from its impotent abysm
The driblet of an aphorism.

"The Mad Philosopher" 1697

APOLOGIZE, v. i. To lay the foundation for a future offence.

APOSTATE, n. A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtle only to find the creature has long been dead, deems it expedient to form a new attachment to a fresh turtle.

APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor and grave worm's provider.