The Secret Father

“Beside the milk and the stir sticks. You pay here. That’ll cost you another fifty cents.”

Zach paid and tucked the paper beneath his arm. He stirred sugar and half-and-half into Olivia’s coffee and started back to the gate. She didn’t look up until he sat beside her. Even then she just reached for the cup.

“Thanks.” She sipped. “Perfect. I thought you wanted coffee, too.” She might not be looking at him, but she saw too much for his peace of mind.

“I reconsidered.” He unscrewed his water bottle’s cap and guzzled half the contents. It didn’t help.

Olivia checked the time. “We’ll be boarding soon. Maybe we should discuss what we intend to tell Evan.”

“Discuss what?” He felt his face harden. “There’s no argument. We tell him who I am.”

“From the start? What if you change your mind?”

He stared at her. Who did she see when she looked at him? “Did you ever change your mind about wanting Evan?”

She let her mouth open slightly, showing surprise. The moisture on her full lower lip made breathing a little harder for Zach.

“You can’t appreciate what you just said.” The joy in her smile made him glad, whatever it was. “I’m never sure I’m the best mom Evan could have. I have to work. He spends time in day care. Even my father assumed I wouldn’t want to be a mother when I was so young, but you assumed I never considered an alternative.”

His throat went tight. For a moment, it was as if he could almost remember her, as if the feelings they’d shared were there, on the fringes of what felt real to him now. “Maybe I can’t imagine you not wanting to keep our son.”

She widened her gaze. “Well, you’d be right.” As if the subject had grown too personal, she busied herself with the pages in her lap.

“You’re uncomfortable discussing your pregnancy with me.”

She nodded. “It’s all still as real as if it just happened to me, but to you I’m a stranger. I loved being pregnant, feeling Evan grow, even though I—” She stopped, her face pink with a blush. “I missed you.”

“I was angry for a long time about what happened, but I thought I was getting over it.” He wiped his mouth, his resentment an old, no-longer-welcome partner.

“Why did they give you so much training for one mission?” She was thoughtful. He was surprised she hadn’t asked before.

He glanced at the empty seats around them. “I was assigned to do that kind of work from then on, but I was chosen for that flight because Kimberly Salva was a friend.” His whole body seemed to tighten as he pictured Kim, idealistic, smarter than he’d ever be, full of fire for her own career. “We went to the Academy together.”

Olivia drew back. “I don’t mean to pry, but you’re angry when you talk about her. You were just friends?”

He nodded. “She was a year behind me. I’m angry because I lost her. She had a husband and a two-year-old daughter, and she trusted me.”

“And you’re not over it yet?”

He considered lying. His own child’s mother deserved the truth. “Maybe I never will be. I get to meet my son. Her daughter will never see her again. It’s not fair that I lived when I couldn’t save her.” Olivia’s scratching pen drew his gaze. She was outlining the same abstract, many-pointed doodle so hard the page looked ready to tear. “Are you having second thoughts?”

“No.” But her glossy black hair hid her face from him.

“I’m not going to hurt Evan. I only lose control with people who want to kill the citizens I’m trying to protect.”

“You’re joking, but people don’t make jokes like that without a little bit of honesty.”

He curved his hand around her wrist, making sure to touch only where her black blazer covered her skin. “I’m telling you the truth. I wouldn’t hide anything that might affect Evan. I’ve explained my problems with Helene. I don’t want you and me to have difficulties. I’m a good father to Lily, and I’ll be a good father to Evan.”

“I should have seen you with her. Not seeing you together was a mistake.”

“I didn’t tell her,” he said.

“Thanks.” She sagged against her chair, clearly deep in thought about how much fathering a wounded man could do. He couldn’t keep assuring her of his reliable mental health. He’d start to sound crazy. A sudden thought brought Olivia upright again. “What if Lily or Helene find out about Evan through the papers?”

“They won’t. Helene doesn’t read them, and I never saw her watch the news.”

“What if someone else tells her?”

“Leland—her husband—is a reasonable guy. He’ll figure out the facts and hold Helene back until I get in touch. He won’t let her say something hurtful to Lily.”

“You trust her new husband more than you trust her?”

“We didn’t know each other when we got married.” How well had he known Olivia?

She turned away, leading him to believe she’d experienced broken trust. With a painful start, he realized he’d taught her that lesson. She’d trusted him.

“I didn’t mean to leave you,” he said.

“Your amnesia makes it no easier for me. I tell myself over and over that you won’t just abandon Evan, but if you’re not good to him, I’ll—”

Ahhh. He understood rage. Though she sputtered to a halt, her vehemence drew him closer.

The vulnerable curve of her lips fascinated him. He’d made love to her and yet he had no memory of her mouth’s firm, tempting texture. She knew secrets about him, about them together that he might never remember.

Her mouth twisted into a smile, and he dragged his gaze back to hers. “Can’t think of a threat?” he asked. When she looked serious, he regretted teasing her.

“I won’t need a threat if you hurt my son.”

“Our son.”

Her expression, stony, determined, and not in the least wary of him, was all too familiar. She like Helene did when she was about to announce he’d broken her rules and to hell with the ones in the custody agreement. He knocked back the rest of his water. They finished their wait in a troubled state of truce. It was almost a relief when the attendant began to call their flight.

He stayed behind Olivia as they handed over their boarding passes and entered the jetway’s gaping maw. His feet grew heavier, but he forced himself to keep walking.

Inside the narrow passage, his heart thudded in his ears. He felt as if he might plod right through the flimsy flooring. At last, the door of the aircraft came into view, along with a few precious inches of daylight around the gate’s edges. He could see himself pushing through the plastic material and jumping to the ground. A broken leg or two would be worth escape.

The flight attendant eyed him with concern, but passed him through. To first-class. Which he couldn’t afford.

He hung back when Olivia offered him the choice of aisle or window, with no idea he had a problem. Behind him, the rest of the first-class crowd began muttering at their unaccustomed delay.

“I can’t pay for this.” He grasped exactly how different their worlds were. How different they’d look to Evan.

“Fortunately, I can, so it’s not a problem for either of us.” She passed him her briefcase. “Could you put this…”

Before he answered, another attendant took her case. “May I take your jacket, sir?” she asked.

Olivia settled into the window seat. As if the cost of the ticket was no big deal. He’d bet on it being at least three of his car payments. He shrugged off his jacket and surrendered it. As he sat and latched on to the seat belt with sweating hands, Olivia nodded his way.