Mr Punch's Model Music Hall Songs and Dramas

What's that on the railings?

    [Point dramatically at imaginary area.
Milk – and in a can!
Though I have my failings,
I'm an honest man.

    [Spark of expiring rectitude here.
I can not resist it.

    [Pantomime of opening can.
That celestial blue!
Has the milkman missed it?

    [Melodramatically.
I'll be missing too!

Fifth Verse (in pale blue light)

Milk begets a taste for water, so comparatively cheap,
Every casual pump supplies him, gratis, with potations deep;
He at every drinking-fountain pounces on the pewter cup,
Conscious of becoming bloated, powerless to give it up!

Refrain (illustrative of utter loss of self-respect)

"Find one straight before me?"
Bobby, you're a trump!
Faintness stealing o'er me —
Ha – at last – a pump!
If that little maid 'll
Just make room for one,
I could grab the ladle
After she has done.

The last verse is the culminating point of this moral drama: – The miserable wretch has reached the last stage. He shuts himself up in his cheerless abode, and there, in shameful secrecy, consumes the element for which he is powerless to pay – the inevitable Nemesis following.

Sixth Verse (All lights down in front. Ghastly green light at wings)

Up his sordid stairs in secret to the cistern now he steals,
Where, amidst organic matter, gambol microscopic eels;
Tremblingly he turns the tap on – not a trickle greets the trough!
For the stony-hearted turncock's gone and cut his water off!

Refrain (in which the profligate is supposed to demand an explanation from the turncock, with a terrible dénoûment)

"Rate a quarter owing,
Comp'ny stopped supply."
"Set the stream a-flowing,
Demon – or you die!"
"Mercy! – ah! you've choked me!"

    [In hoarse, strangled voice as the turncock.

"Will you turn the plug?"

    [Savagely as the hero.

"No!"

    [Faintly, as turncock.

    [Business of flinging a corpse on stage, and regarding it terror-stricken. A long pause; then, in a whisper,—

"The fool provoked me!
(With a maniac laugh.) Horror! I'm a Thug!"

    [Here the artist will die, mad, in frightful agony, and rise to bow his acknowledgments.

ix.– THE DUETTISTS

The "Duet and Dance" form so important a feature in Music-hall entertainments, that they could hardly, with any propriety, be neglected in a model compilation such as Mr. Punch's, and it is possible that he may offer more than one example of this blameless diversion. For some reason or other, the habit of singing in pairs would seem to induce a pessimistic tone of mind in most Music-hall artistes, and – why, Mr. Punch does not pretend to say – this cynicism is always more marked when the performers are of the softer sex. Our present study is intended to fulfil the requirements of the most confirmed female sceptic, and, though the Message of the Music Halls may have been given worthier and fuller expression by pens more practised in such compositions, Mr. Punch is still modestly confident that this ditty, with all its shortcomings, can be sung in any Music Hall in the Metropolis without exciting any sentiment other than entire approval of the teaching it conveys. One drawback, indeed, it has, but that concerns the performers alone. For the sake of affording contrast and relief, it was thought expedient that one of the fair duettists should profess an optimism which may – perhaps must – tend to impair her popularity. A conscientious artiste may legitimately object, for the sake of her professional reputation, to present herself in so humiliating a character as that of an ingénue, and a female "Juggins"; and it does seem as if the Cynical Sister must inevitably monopolise the sympathies of an enlightened audience. However, this difficulty is less formidable than it appears; it should be easy for the Unsophisticated Sister to convey a subtle suggestion here and there, possibly in the incidental dance between the verses, that she is not really inferior to her partner in smartness and knowledge of the world. But perhaps it would be the fairest arrangement if the Sisters could agree to alternate so ungrateful a rôle.

RHINO!

First Verse

First Sister (placing three of the fingers of her left hand on her heart, and extending her right arm in timid appeal).

Dear sister, of late I'm beginning to doubt
If the world is as black as they paint it.
It mayn't be as bad as some try to make out —
Second Sister (with an elaborate mock curtsy.) That is a discovery! Mayn't it?

First S. (abashed). I'm sure there are sev'ral who aren't a bad lot,
And some sort of principle seem to have got,
For they act on the square —
Second S. Don't you talk tommy-rot!
It's done for advertisement, ain't it?

Refrain

Second S. Why, there's nobody at bottom any better than the rest!
First S. Are you sure of it?
Second S. I'm telling you, and I know,
The principle they act upon's whatever pays 'em best.
And the only real religion now is – Rhino!

[The last word must be rendered with full metallic effect. A step-dance, expressive of conviction on one part and incipient wavering on the other, should be performed between the verses.