Mr Punch's Model Music Hall Songs and Dramas

Chorus– Why, can't yer shee? o' coursh
Tishn't us – it ish the 'orsh!
He's a whale at swilling water,
We've 'ad only ale and porter,
Or a drop o' something shorter.
You le'mme go, you shnorter!
Don' you tush me till you oughter!
Jus' look 'ere – to cut it shorter —
Take the poor old 'orsh!

[General adjournment to the Police-station. Interview with the Magistrate on the following morning. Mr. Hopkinscalled upon to state his defence, replies in—

Chorus– Why, your wushup sees, o' course,
It was all the bloomin' 'orse!
He would 'ave a pail o' water
Every 'arf a mile (or quarter),
Which is what he didn't oughter!
He shall stick to ale or porter,
With a drop o' something shorter,
I'm my family's supporter —
Fine the poor old 'orse!

[The Magistrate's view of the case. Concluding remark that, notwithstanding the success of the excursion, as a whole – it will be some time before the singer consents to go upon any excursion with a horse of such bibulous tendencies as those of the quadruped they drove to Kew.

viii.– THE DRAMATIC SCENA

This is always a popular form of entertainment, demanding, as it does, even more dramatic than vocal ability on the part of the artist. A song of this kind is nothing if not severely moral, an frequently depicts the downward career of an incipient drunkard with all the lurid logic of a Temperance Tract. Mr. Punch, however, is inclined to think that the lesson would be even more appreciated and taken to heart by the audience, if a slightly different line were adopted such as he has endeavoured to indicate in the following example: —

THE DANGER OF MIXED DRINKS

The singer should have a great command of facial expression, which he will find greatly facilitated by employing (as indeed is the usual custom) coloured limelight at the wings.

First Verse (to be sung under pure white light)

He (these awful examples are usually, and quite properly, anonymous) was once as nice a fellow as you could desire to meet,
Partial to a pint of porter, always took his spirits neat;
Long ago a careful mother's cautions trained her son to shrink
From the meretricious sparkle of an aërated drink.

Refrain (showing the virtuous youth resisting temptation. N.B. The refrain is intended to be spoken through music. Not sung.)

Here's a pub that's handy.
Liquor up with you?
Thimbleful of brandy?
Don't mind if I do.
Soda-water? No, Sir.
Never touch the stuff.
Promised mother – so, Sir.

    (With an upward glance.)
'Tisn't good enough!

Second Verse. (Primrose light for this.)

Ah, how little we suspected, as we saw him in his bloom,
What a demon dogged his footsteps, luring to an awful doom!
Vain his mother's fond monitions; soon a friend, with fiendish laugh,
Tempts him to a quiet tea-garden, plies him there with shandy-gaff!

Refrain (illustrating the first false step)

Why, it's just the mixture
I so long have sought!
Here I'll be a fixture
Till I've drunk the quart!
Just the stuff to suit yer.
Waiter, do you hear?
Make it, for the future,
Three parts ginger-beer!

Third Verse (requiring violet-tinted slide)

By-and-by, the ale discarding, ginger-beer he craves alone.
Undiluted he procures it, buys it bottled up in stone.

    (The earthenware bottles are said by connoisseurs to contain liquor of superior strength and quality.)
From his lips the foam he brushes – crimson overspreads his brow.
To his brain the ginger's mounting! Could his mother see him now!

Refrain (depicting the horrors of a solitary debauch poisoned by remorse)

Shall I have another?
Only ginger-pop!
(Wildly.) Ah! I promised mother
Not to touch a drop!
Far too much I'm tempted.
(Recklessly.) Let me drink my fill!
That's the fifth I've emptied —
Oh, I feel so ill!

    [Here the singer will stagger about the boards.

Fourth Verse. (Turn on lurid crimson ray for this.)

Next with drinks they style "teetotal" he his manhood must degrade;
Swilling effervescent syrups – "ice-cream-soda," "raspberry-ade,"
Koumiss tempts his jaded palate – payment he's obliged to bilk —
Then, reduced to destitution, finds forgetfulness in – milk!

Refrain (indicating rapid moral deterioration)