Plays by Anton Chekhov, Second Series

TIHON. [To BORTSOV] Lie down, your honour! You’ve looked at that portrait long enough. [Puts out a candle] Throw it away!

BORTSOV. [Swaying about] Where can I lie down?

TIHON. In the tramp’s place! Didn’t you hear him giving it up to you?

BORTSOV. [Going up to the vacant place] I’m a bit… drunk… after all that… Is this it?.. Do I lie down here? Eh?

TIHON. Yes, yes, lie down, don’t be afraid. [Stretches himself out on the counter.]

BORTSOV. [Lying down] I’m… drunk… Everything’s going round… [Opens the medallion] Haven’t you a little candle? [Pause] You’re a queer little woman Masha… Looking at me out of the frame and laughing… [Laughs] I’m drunk! And should you laugh at a man because he’s drunk? You look out, as Schastlivtsev says, and… love the drunkard.

FEDYA. How the wind howls. It’s dreary!

BORTSOV. [Laughs] What a woman… Why do you keep on going round? I can’t catch you!

MERIK. He’s wandering. Looked too long at the portrait. [Laughs] What a business! Educated people go and invent all sorts of machines and medicines, but there hasn’t yet been a man wise enough to invent a medicine against the female sex… They try to cure every sort of disease, and it never occurs to them that more people die of women than of disease… Sly, stingy, cruel, brainless… The mother-in-law torments the bride and the bride makes things square by swindling the husband… and there’s no end to it…

TIHON. The women have ruffled his hair for him, and so he’s bristly.

MERIK. It isn’t only I… From the beginning of the ages, since the world has been in existence, people have complained… It’s not for nothing that in the songs and stories, the devil and the woman are put side by side… Not for nothing! It’s half true, at any rate… [Pause] Here’s the gentleman playing the fool, but I had more sense, didn’t I, when I left my father and mother, and became a tramp?

FEDYA. Because of women?

MERIK. Just like the gentleman… I walked about like one of the damned, bewitched, blessing my stars… on fire day and night, until at last my eyes were opened… It wasn’t love, but just a fraud…

FEDYA. What did you do to her?

MERIK. Never you mind… [Pause] Do you think I killed her?.. I wouldn’t do it… If you kill, you are sorry for it… She can live and be happy! If only I’d never set eyes on you, or if I could only forget you, you viper’s brood! [A knocking at the door.]

TIHON. Whom have the devils brought… Who’s there? [Knocking] Who knocks? [Gets up and goes to the door] Who knocks? Go away, we’ve locked up!

A VOICE. Please let me in, Tihon. The carriage-spring’s broken! Be a father to me and help me! If I only had a little string to tie it round with, we’d get there somehow or other.

TIHON. Who are you?

THE VOICE. My lady is going to Varsonofyev from the town… It’s only five versts farther on… Do be a good man and help!

TIHON. Go and tell the lady that if she pays ten roubles she can have her string and we’ll mend the spring.

THE VOICE. Have you gone mad, or what? Ten roubles! You mad dog! Profiting by our misfortunes!

TIHON. Just as you like… You needn’t if you don’t want to.

THE VOICE. Very well, wait a bit. [Pause] She says, all right.

TIHON. Pleased to hear it!

[Opens door. The COACHMAN enters.]

COACHMAN. Good evening, Orthodox people! Well, give me the string! Quick! Who’ll go and help us, children? There’ll be something left over for your trouble!

TIHON. There won’t be anything left over… Let them sleep, the two of us can manage.

COACHMAN. Foo, I am tired! It’s cold, and there’s not a dry spot in all the mud… Another thing, dear… Have you got a little room in here for the lady to warm herself in? The carriage is all on one side, she can’t stay in it…

TIHON. What does she want a room for? She can warm herself in here, if she’s cold… We’ll find a place [Clears a space next to BORTSOV] Get up, get up! Just lie on the floor for an hour, and let the lady get warm. [To BORTSOV] Get up, your honour! Sit up! [BORTSOV sits up] Here’s a place for you. [Exit COACHMAN.]

FEDYA. Here’s a visitor for you, the devil’s brought her! Now there’ll be no sleep before daylight.

TIHON. I’m sorry I didn’t ask for fifteen… She’d have given them… [Stands expectantly before the door] You’re a delicate sort of people, I must say. [Enter MARIA EGOROVNA, followed by the COACHMAN. TIHON bows.] Please, your highness! Our room is very humble, full of blackbeetles! But don’t disdain it!

MARIA EGOROVNA. I can’t see anything… Which way do I go?

TIHON. This way, your highness! [Leads her to the place next to BORTSOV] This way, please. [Blows on the place] I haven’t any separate rooms, excuse me, but don’t you be afraid, madam, the people here are good and quiet…

MARIA EGOROVNA. [Sits next to BORTSOV] How awfully stuffy! Open the door, at any rate!

TIHON. Yes, madam. [Runs and opens the door wide.]

MARIA. We’re freezing, and you open the door! [Gets up and slams it] Who are you to be giving orders? [Lies down]

TIHON. Excuse me, your highness, but we’ve a little fool here… a bit cracked… But don’t you be frightened, he won’t do you any harm… Only you must excuse me, madam, I can’t do this for ten roubles… Make it fifteen.

MARIA EGOROVNA. Very well, only be quick.

TIHON. This minute… this very instant. [Drags some string out from under the counter] This minute. [A pause.]

BORTSOV. [Looking at MARIA EGOROVNA] Marie… Masha…

MARIA EGOROVNA. [Looks at BORTSOV] What’s this?

BORTSOV. Marie… is it you? Where do you come from? [MARIA EGOROVNA recognizes BORTSOV, screams and runs off into the centre of the floor. BORTSOV follows] Marie, it is I… I [Laughs loudly] My wife! Marie! Where am I? People, a light!

MARIA EGOROVNA. Get away from me! You lie, it isn’t you! It can’t be! [Covers her face with her hands] It’s a lie, it’s all nonsense!

BORTSOV. Her voice, her movements… Marie, it is I! I’ll stop in a moment… I was drunk… My head’s going round… My God! Stop, stop… I can’t understand anything. [Yells] My wife! [Falls at her feet and sobs. A group collects around the husband and wife.]

MARIA EGOROVNA. Stand back! [To the COACHMAN] Denis, let’s go! I can’t stop here any longer!

MERIK. [Jumps up and looks her steadily in the face] The portrait! [Grasps her hand] It is she! Eh, people, she’s the gentleman’s wife!

MARIA EGOROVNA. Get away, fellow! [Tries to tear her hand away from him] Denis, why do you stand there staring? [DENIS and TIHON run up to her and get hold of MERIK’S arms] This thieves’ kitchen! Let go my hand! I’m not afraid!.. Get away from me!

MERIK. [Note: Throughout this speech, in the original, Merik uses the familiar second person singular.] Wait a bit, and I’ll let go… Just let me say one word to you… One word, so that you may understand… Just wait… [Turns to TIHON and DENIS] Get away, you rogues, let go! I shan’t let you go till I’ve had my say! Stop… one moment. [Strikes his forehead with his fist] No, God hasn’t given me the wisdom! I can’t think of the word for you!

MARIA EGOROVNA. [Tears away her hand] Get away! Drunkards… let’s go, Denis!

[She tries to go out, but MERIK blocks the door.]