Plays by Anton Chekhov, Second Series

CHUBUKOV. You Lomovs have had lunacy in your family, all of you!

NATALYA STEPANOVNA. All, all, all!

CHUBUKOV. Your grandfather was a drunkard, and your younger aunt, Nastasya Mihailovna, ran away with an architect, and so on.

LOMOV. And your mother was hump-backed. [Clutches at his heart] Something pulling in my side… My head… Help! Water!

CHUBUKOV. Your father was a guzzling gambler!

NATALYA STEPANOVNA. And there haven’t been many backbiters to equal your aunt!

LOMOV. My left foot has gone to sleep… You’re an intriguer… Oh, my heart!.. And it’s an open secret that before the last elections you bri… I can see stars… Where’s my hat?

NATALYA STEPANOVNA. It’s low! It’s dishonest! It’s mean!

CHUBUKOV. And you’re just a malicious, double-faced intriguer! Yes!

LOMOV. Here’s my hat… My heart!.. Which way? Where’s the door? Oh!.. I think I’m dying… My foot’s quite numb… [Goes to the door.]

CHUBUKOV. [Following him] And don’t set foot in my house again!

NATALYA STEPANOVNA. Take it to court! We’ll see!

[LOMOV staggers out.]

CHUBUKOV. Devil take him! [Walks about in excitement.]

NATALYA STEPANOVNA. What a rascal! What trust can one have in one’s neighbours after that!

CHUBUKOV. The villain! The scarecrow!

NATALYA STEPANOVNA. The monster! First he takes our land and then he has the impudence to abuse us.

CHUBUKOV. And that blind hen, yes, that turnip-ghost has the confounded cheek to make a proposal, and so on! What? A proposal!

NATALYA STEPANOVNA. What proposal?

CHUBUKOV. Why, he came here so as to propose to you.

NATALYA STEPANOVNA. To propose? To me? Why didn’t you tell me so before?

CHUBUKOV. So he dresses up in evening clothes. The stuffed sausage! The wizen-faced frump!

NATALYA STEPANOVNA. To propose to me? Ah! [Falls into an easy-chair and wails] Bring him back! Back! Ah! Bring him here.

CHUBUKOV. Bring whom here?

NATALYA STEPANOVNA. Quick, quick! I’m ill! Fetch him! [Hysterics.]

CHUBUKOV. What’s that? What’s the matter with you? [Clutches at his head] Oh, unhappy man that I am! I’ll shoot myself! I’ll hang myself! We’ve done for her!

NATALYA STEPANOVNA. I’m dying! Fetch him!

CHUBUKOV. Tfoo! At once. Don’t yell!

[Runs out. A pause. NATALYA STEPANOVNA wails.]

NATALYA STEPANOVNA. What have they done to me! Fetch him back! Fetch him! [A pause.]

[CHUBUKOV runs in.]

CHUBUKOV. He’s coming, and so on, devil take him! Ouf! Talk to him yourself; I don’t want to…

NATALYA STEPANOVNA. [Wails] Fetch him!

CHUBUKOV. [Yells] He’s coming, I tell you. Oh, what a burden, Lord, to be the father of a grown-up daughter! I’ll cut my throat! I will, indeed! We cursed him, abused him, drove him out, and it’s all you… you!

NATALYA STEPANOVNA. No, it was you!

CHUBUKOV. I tell you it’s not my fault. [LOMOV appears at the door] Now you talk to him yourself [Exit.]

[LOMOV enters, exhausted.]

LOMOV. My heart’s palpitating awfully… My foot’s gone to sleep… There’s something keeps pulling in my side.

NATALYA STEPANOVNA. Forgive us, Ivan Vassilevitch, we were all a little heated… I remember now: Oxen Meadows really are yours.

LOMOV. My heart’s beating awfully… My Meadows… My eyebrows are both twitching…

NATALYA STEPANOVNA. The Meadows are yours, yes, yours… Do sit down… [They sit] We were wrong…

LOMOV. I did it on principle… My land is worth little to me, but the principle…

NATALYA STEPANOVNA. Yes, the principle, just so… Now let’s talk of something else.

LOMOV. The more so as I have evidence. My aunt’s grandmother gave the land to your father’s grandfather’s peasants…

NATALYA STEPANOVNA. Yes, yes, let that pass… [Aside] I wish I knew how to get him started… [Aloud] Are you going to start shooting soon?

LOMOV. I’m thinking of having a go at the blackcock, honoured Natalya Stepanovna, after the harvest. Oh, have you heard? Just think, what a misfortune I’ve had! My dog Guess, whom you know, has gone lame.

NATALYA STEPANOVNA. What a pity! Why?

LOMOV. I don’t know… Must have got twisted, or bitten by some other dog… [Sighs] My very best dog, to say nothing of the expense. I gave Mironov 125 roubles for him.

NATALYA STEPANOVNA. It was too much, Ivan Vassilevitch.

LOMOV. I think it was very cheap. He’s a first-rate dog.