Plays by Anton Chekhov, Second Series

CHUBUKOV. Boy! Milksop! Fool! I’m sick! [Drinks water] Sick!

NATALYA STEPANOVNA. What sort of a hunter are you? You can’t even sit on a horse! [To her father] Papa, what’s the matter with him? Papa! Look, papa! [Screams] Ivan Vassilevitch! He’s dead!

CHUBUKOV. I’m sick!.. I can’t breathe!.. Air!

NATALYA STEPANOVNA. He’s dead. [Pulls LOMOV’S sleeve] Ivan Vassilevitch! Ivan Vassilevitch! What have you done to me? He’s dead. [Falls into an armchair] A doctor, a doctor! [Hysterics.]

CHUBUKOV. Oh!.. What is it? What’s the matter?

NATALYA STEPANOVNA. [Wails] He’s dead… dead!

CHUBUKOV. Who’s dead? [Looks at LOMOV] So he is! My word! Water! A doctor! [Lifts a tumbler to LOMOV’S mouth] Drink this!.. No, he doesn’t drink… It means he’s dead, and all that… I’m the most unhappy of men! Why don’t I put a bullet into my brain? Why haven’t I cut my throat yet? What am I waiting for? Give me a knife! Give me a pistol! [LOMOV moves] He seems to be coming round… Drink some water! That’s right…

LOMOV. I see stars… mist… Where am I?

CHUBUKOV. Hurry up and get married and – well, to the devil with you! She’s willing! [He puts LOMOV’S hand into his daughter’s] She’s willing and all that. I give you my blessing and so on. Only leave me in peace!

LOMOV. [Getting up] Eh? What? To whom?

CHUBUKOV. She’s willing! Well? Kiss and be damned to you!

NATALYA STEPANOVNA. [Wails] He’s alive… Yes, yes, I’m willing…

CHUBUKOV. Kiss each other!

LOMOV. Eh? Kiss whom? [They kiss] Very nice, too. Excuse me, what’s it all about? Oh, now I understand… my heart… stars… I’m happy. Natalya Stepanovna… [Kisses her hand] My foot’s gone to sleep…

NATALYA STEPANOVNA. I… I’m happy too…

CHUBUKOV. What a weight off my shoulders… Ouf!

NATALYA STEPANOVNA. But… still you will admit now that Guess is worse than Squeezer.

LOMOV. Better!

NATALYA STEPANOVNA. Worse!

CHUBUKOV. Well, that’s a way to start your family bliss! Have some champagne!

LOMOV. He’s better!

NATALYA STEPANOVNA. Worse! worse! worse!

CHUBUKOV. [Trying to shout her down] Champagne! Champagne!

Curtain

THE WEDDING

CHARACTERS

EVDOKIM ZAHAROVITCH ZHIGALOV, a retired Civil Servant.

NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA, his wife DASHENKA, their daughter

EPAMINOND MAXIMOVITCH APLOMBOV, Dashenka’s bridegroom

FYODOR YAKOVLEVITCH REVUNOV-KARAULOV, a retired captain

ANDREY ANDREYEVITCH NUNIN, an insurance agent

ANNA MARTINOVNA ZMEYUKINA, a midwife, aged 30, in a brilliantly red dress

IVAN MIHAILOVITCH YATS, a telegraphist

HARLAMPI SPIRIDONOVITCH DIMBA, a Greek confectioner

DMITRI STEPANOVITCH MOZGOVOY, a sailor of the Imperial Navy (Volunteer Fleet)

GROOMSMEN, GENTLEMEN, WAITERS, ETC.

The scene is laid in one of the rooms of Andronov’s Restaurant

[A brilliantly illuminated room. A large table, laid for supper. Waiters in dress-jackets are fussing round the table. An orchestra behind the scene is playing the music of the last figure of a quadrille.]

[ANNA MARTINOVNA ZMEYUKINA, YATS, and a GROOMSMAN cross the stage.]

ZMEYUKINA. No, no, no!

YATS. [Following her] Have pity on us! Have pity!

ZMEYUKINA. No, no, no!

GROOMSMAN. [Chasing them] You can’t go on like this! Where are you off to? What about the grand ronde? Grand ronde, s’il vous plait! [They all go off.]

[Enter NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA and APLOMBOV.]

NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. You had much better be dancing than upsetting me with your speeches.

APLOMBOV. I’m not a Spinosa or anybody of that sort, to go making figures-of-eight with my legs. I am a serious man, and I have a character, and I see no amusement in empty pleasures. But it isn’t just a matter of dances. You must excuse me, maman, but there is a good deal in your behaviour which I am unable to understand. For instance, in addition to objects of domestic importance, you promised also to give me, with your daughter, two lottery tickets. Where are they?

NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. My head’s aching a little… I expect it’s on account of the weather… If only it thawed!

APLOMBOV. You won’t get out of it like that. I only found out to-day that those tickets are in pawn. You must excuse me, maman, but it’s only swindlers who behave like that. I’m not doing this out of egoisticism [Note: So in the original] – I don’t want your tickets – but on principle; and I don’t allow myself to be done by anybody. I have made your daughter happy, and if you don’t give me the tickets to-day I’ll make short work of her. I’m an honourable man!

NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. [Looks round the table and counts up the covers] One, two, three, four, five…

A WAITER. The cook asks if you would like the ices served with rum, madeira, or by themselves?