The Complete Works of Josh Billings

This iz vulgarily called “surking eggs.”

This iz an accomplishment known amung humans, which it iz sed, they hav learnt from the pole kats.

Pole kats also deal in chickens, yung turkeys, and yung goslins.

They won’t tutch an old goose, they are sound on that question.

Man iz the only phellow who will attempt tew bight into an old goose, and his teeth fly oph a grate menny times before he loosens enny ov the meat.

A pole kat travels under an alias, which is called skunk. Thare iz a grate menny aliases that thare iz no accounting for, and this iz one ov them.

I hav kaught skunks in a trap. They are eazier tew git into a trap than tew git out ov it.

In taking them out ov a trap grate judgment must be had not tew shake them up; the more yu shake them up the more ambrosial they am.

One pole kat in a township is enuff, espeshily if the wind changes once in a while.

A pole kat skin iz wuth 2 dollars, in market, after it iz skinned, but it iz wuth 3 dollars and fifty cents tew skin him.

This iz one way tew make 12 shillings in a wet day.

THE WEAZEL

The weazel haz an eye like a hawk, and a tooth like a pickerel.

They kan see on all three sides of a right angle tri angle board fence, at once, and kan bite thru a side ov sole leather.

They alwus sleep with one eye open, and the other on the wink, and are quicker than spirits ov turpentine, and a lighted match.

It iz no disgrace for a streak ov litening tew strike at a weazel and miss him.

If I owned a weazel, litening mite strike at him all day for 50 cents a clap.

I hav tried tew kill them in a stun wall with a rifle, but they would dodge the ball, when it got within six inches ov them, and stick their heads out ov another krack, three feet further oph.

They are the hardest kritter amung the small game tew ketch or tew kill, yu kant coax one into a trap, and keep him thare, enny more than yu could ketch a ray of light, with a knot hole.

Weazles are skarse, but the supply alwus equals the demand, they aint useful only for one thing, and that iz, too kill chickens.

They will kill 14 chickens in one night, and take off the blood with them, leaving the corpse behind.

I hunted 3 weeks for a weazle once (it iz now six years ago), and knu just whare he waz all the the time, and hain’t got him yet.

I offered 10 dollars reward for him, and hold the stakes yet.

Every boy in that naborhood waz after that weazle nite and day, and I had tew withdraw the reward to keep from breaking up the distrikt skool.

The skoolmaster threatened tew su me if i didn’t, and i did it, for i hate a law suit rather wuss than i do a weazle.

A weazle’s skin, wore on the neck, it iz sed, will kure the quinsy sore thrut, but the phellow who sed this had a sure thing; he knu nobody could ketch the weazle.

I waz told, when i waz a boy, by a cunning cuss, that the way tew ketch a crow waz tew put sum salt on hiz tail. I prakticed all one summer on this, but never got sum crow.

I hav did things az foolish az this since i hav quit being a boy, but prefer tew keep mum what they are.

Weazles hav got no wisdum, but hav got what iz sumtimes mistaken for it, they hav got cunning.

Cunning stands in the same relashun tew wisdum that a tadpole duz tew a frog, he may git tew be a frog if he keeps on growing, but he aint one now.

Wisdum knows how tew jump, but about the best thing that cunning can do iz tew wiggle.

I hav saw cunning men who thought they waz wize, but i never saw a wise man who thought he waz cunning.

ANGLE WORMS

Are ov arth, arthy, and crawl for a living. They liv in ritch ground; ground that won’t raize angle-worms won’t raize ennything else, and whare angle-worms rejoice, corn iz sure to be bully. If yu want yure angleworms ov enny size, yu must manure yure sile. There aint nothing on arth more miserable tew ponder over and weep about than a half starved angle-worm. Angleworms are a sure crop on good sile, and handy tew hoe, for they plant and harvest themselfs. They don’t take up mutch room in the ground, and are az kind tew childen az a piece ov red tape.

It iz sed by the naturalists that angle worm ile, rubbed on the rear ov the neck, will kure a man ov the lies. I don’t beleave this, unless it kills the man. Death iz the only reliable heal for lieing that has bin diskovered yet.

When lieing gits into a man’s blood, the only way tew git it out, iz tew drain him dry.

Angle worms are used az an artikle ov diet tew ketch fish with; they are handy tew put onto a hook, and handy tew take oph, az enny boddy knows, who haz straddled a saw log and fished for daice all day long Sunday in a mill pond.

Old fishermen alwus carry their worms in their mouth.

Angle worms liv in a round hole, which they fit like a gimlet, and are diffrent from aul other creeps that I kno ov, for they alwus back into their holes.

Here the natral angle worm ends.

THE MOUSE

Ever since natur waz diskovered, mice hav had a hole tew till.

Paradise, az good a job az it waz, would not hav bin thoroughly fitted up without a mouse tew dart akross the bowers like a shaddo, and Eve would never have knu how tew skream pretty without one ov these little teachers.

Adam would never hav bin fit tew kontend with the job ov gitting a living outside the garden if he hadn’t trapped suckcessfully for a mouse.

Ketching a mouse iz the fust cunning thing that every man duz.

Mice are the epitome of shrewdness; their faces beam with sharp praktiss; their little noses smell ov cunning, and their little black-beaded eyes titter with pettit larceny.

They are az cheerful az the criket on the harth. I should be afrade tew buy a house that hadn’t a mouse-hole in it.

I like tew see them shoot out ov their hole in the korner, like a wad out ov a pop-gun, and stream akross the nursery, and to hear one nibble in the wainscot, in the midst ov the night, takes the death out ov silence.

Mice alwus move into a new house fust, and are there reddy tew receive and welkum the rest ov the family.

They are more ornamental than useful, ackording to the best informashun we hav az yet; but this iz the case with most things.