The Complete Works of Josh Billings

Mice cum into this world tew seek their fortune, four at a time, and lay in their little kradles ov cotton or wool, like bits ov rare-dun meat, for a month, with not a rag on them.

When they dine, they do it jist az a family ov yung piggs duz: each one at their own particular spot at the table, and it is seldum that yu see better-behaved boarders, or them that understand their bizzness more thoroughly.

I hav seen them at their meals, and i will take mi oath that everything iz orderly, and az strikly on the square, as a checker-board.

When mice hav reached their manhood, their tales are just the same length az their boddys. This would seem at fust sight tew be a grate waste ov tail.

The philosophik mind, ever at work, applying means tew ends, might be a bigg phool enuff tew want to know whi a bob-tailed mouse wouldn’t be a better finished job; but philosophy haz no bizzness tew alter things to suit the market. It must take mouse-tails just az they cum, and either glorify them, or shut up.

If there want ennybody in the natral philosophy trade, i hav thought it would be jist as well for natur bekause a man, if he kant orthodox a reason for the entire length ov a mouse’s tale iz often willing tew tell hiz nabors that the whole critter iz a failure.

Sutch iz man; but a mouse iz a mouse.

The mouse kan live ennywhare tew advantage, except in a church. They phatt very slow in a church. This goes tew show that they kant live on religion enny more than a minister kan. Religion iz excellent for digestion.

Thare aint a more prolifick thing on earth (prolifick ov fun i mean now) than a mouse in a distrikt school-house. They are better than a fire-cracker tew stir up a school-marm with, and are just the things tew throw spellin books at when they are on the run.

One mouse will edukate a parcell ov yung ones more in ten minnitts during school time than you can substrakt out ov their heds in three days with Daballs arithmetik.

Now thare iz many folks who kant see enny thing to write about in a mouse; but mice are full ov informashun. The only way that edukashun was fust discovered waz bi going tew school to natur. Books, if they are sound on the goose, are only natur in tipe.

A grate many kontend that a mouse iz a useless kritter; but kan they prove it?

I am willing to give an opinyun that too menny mice might not pay; but this applies to musketoze, elephants, and side-wheel steambotes.

A mouse’s tale iz az unhairy az a shustring. This iz another thing that bothers the philosophers, and i aint agoing to explain it unless i am paid for it.

I hav alreddy explained a grate menny things in the nuzepapers that i never got a cent for.

There aint nothing on earth that will fit a hole so snug az a mouse will. Yu would think they waz made on purpose for it, and they will fill it quicker, too, than ennything i ever saw. If yu want to see a mouse enter hiz hole, yu mustn’t wink. If do, yu will hav tew wait till next time.

I luv mice. They seem tew belong to us.

Rats i dont luv. They lack refinement.

THE YALLER DOG

Dogs hav infested this world just about az long az man haz, and will hang around it, az long az thare is enny grizzle left on a bone.

We hav no reliable ackount ov the fust dog, and probably shant hav ov the final one.

If Adam kept a tarrier, or Eve a poodle, the laps of ages hav washed away the fakt.

If Noah had a pair ov each breed ov dogs, on board ov hiz vessell, and only one pair ov fleas, he waz well ont for dogs, and poor ont for fleas. But history iz numb on this subjekt.

Esaw waz a mity hunter, but whether he kept a houn, or followed the cent himself, iz az ded, and departed to us, az the chirp ov the fust reliable cricket.

We read that Esaw sold out hiz birth rite for soup, and menny wonder at hiz extravegance, but Esaw diskovered arly, what menny a man haz diskovered since, that it iz hard work tew live on a pedigree.

If i waz starving, I wouldn’t hesitate tew swap oph all the pedigree I had, and all mi relashuns had, for a quart of pottage, and throw two grate grandfathers into the bargain.

But I don’t intend this essa for dogs in the lump, but for the individual yellar dog himself.

The yellar dog haz no pedigree, the blood in hiz veins iz az krude az petroleum, when it fust cums pumping out ov the earth, bitter, thick, and fiery.

He iz long, and lazily put together, hiz ears flop when he shacks along the dusty thoroughfare, and hiz tail iz a burden.

Thare iz no animashun in a yeller dog’s tail, it iz useless, the flies aint even afraid ov it, it iz wus than a 10 per cent mortgage tew the rest ov hiz boddy.

Whi the Yeller dog aint born diskounted, iz a mistery tew me, but when i ask miself, “Whare would yu hitch the tin pan to,” then at once the folly ov a bob tailed yeller dog, flashes on mi mind.

Ever since this kontinent waz found bi Christopher Columbus, in 1492, and for what i kno, much time previous tew that, the Yeller dog haz been a vagrant, travelling bi moon lite, and hungry bi natur.

Whare he cums from noboddy seems to know, and if yu speak a kind word tew him, he thinks it a kite in disguise, and straddling hiz tail, with both hind legs, he goes suspicious, and sideways, on his lonesum jurney.

Mankind hav made him a vagabond, and life to him iz made up ov starvashun, and brickbats.

If he cums out ov hiz lurking place in the hot ov august, he iz a “mad dog,” and the common council at once assemble, the riot act iz read, 50 dollars reward iz offered, men cum panting into town, crieing “mad dog,” their two horse waggon waz bit that morning, bi a yaller dog, the fury rages, old guns are kleaned up, the cannon iz run out on the village green, dames talk to dames ov the awful event, men look sober and defiant, boys pocket their marbles in the midst ov the game, pigs run squealing tew their hovels, and the whole boddy politik surges with horror.

The poor innocent whelp haz done hiz worst, and while a whole village iz in the extacys ov hydrophobia he has passed on, and may be seen, tugging away, in the subburbs, at the shin bone ov a departed omnibus hoss.

The yeller dog haz but one friend among men, and that iz the darkey.

A common misfortune links them together.

Why iz it, that the old negro, and hiz yeller dog, are vagabonds on the face ov the earth?

Mans inhumanity iz wuss than the malice ov wild beasts.

A day ov reckoning will cum, a day ov judgment, and i kant tell but what the yeller dog will be thare, a mute witness, and then, and thare, will the grate problem be solved.

This wurld iz phull ov grate wrongs, and the next one will az certainly be az phull ov grate retribushuns.

I kant endure the sight ov oppreshun, it disgraces mi manhood, if i had money enuff i would like tew buy even all the yeller dogs thare iz now on the buzzum ov the earth, and make them respekted and happy.

But i haint got the money, nor never shall hav, but az long az i hav strength tew steer a gooze quill, and blood enuff in mi heart for ink, i will bid mankind beware ov oppreshun, i dont kare whether it is in hi places or low, the oppreshun ov caste, the oppreshun ov wealth, or even the low, and degrading oppreshun, ov a tin pale, in hot pursuit, ov the friendless, yelping, yeller dog.

Yeller dogs will sumtime, and sumwhare, hav their day, and when the huge piles ov brikbats, and mountains ov old tin ware, cums into court, i want tew be thare, for i am anxious tew know what the line ov defence will be.

ROOSTERS

Thare is not on the whole horizon or ov live natur a more pleazing and strengthening studdy than the Rooster. This remarkable package of feathers has bin for ages food for philosophik, as well as the simple currious mind. They belong tew the feathered sekt denominated poultry, and are the husbands of menny wives. In Utah it is konsidered a disgrace tew speak disrespekful of a rooster. Brigham Young’s coat ov arms is a rooster, in full blast, crowing till he is almost bent over double backwards.

The flesh ov the rooster is very similar tew the flesh ov the hen; it is hard tew distinguish the diffrence espeshily in yure soup. Roosters are the pugilists amung the domestik burds; they wear the belt, and having no shoulder tew strike from, they strike from the heel.

Roosters, according to profane history, if mi edukashun remembers me right, were formerly a man, who come suddenly upon one ov the heathen gods, at a time when he want prepared tew see company, and waz, fur that offense, rebuilt over into the fust rooster, and waz forever afterward destined to crow, as a kind ov warning. This change from a man akounts for their fighting abilities, and for their politeness tew the hens. Thare is nothing in a man that a woman admires more than his reddyness and ability tew smash another fellow, and it iz jiss so with a hen. When a rooster gits licked, the hens all march oph with the other rooster, if he ain’t haff so big or handsome.

It iz pluck that wins a hen or a woman.