Josh Billings on Ice, and Other Things

They are about the bigness ov an onion seed, and shine like a bran new shot.

They spring from low places, and kan spring further and faster than enny ov the bug-brutes.

They bite wuss than the musketoze, for they bite on a run; one flea will go aul over a man's subburbs in 2 minnits, and leave him az freckled az the meazels.

It iz impossible to do ennything well with a flea on you, except sware, and fleas aint afraid ov that; the only way iz tew quit bizzness ov aul kinds and hunt for the flea, and when you have found him, he ain't thare. Thiz iz one ov the flea mysterys, the fackulty they hav ov being entirely lost jist as soon as you hav found them.

I don't suppose thare iz ever killed, on an average, during enny one year, more than 16 fleas, in the whole ov the United States ov America, unless thare iz a cazualty ov sum kind. Once in a while thare iz a dogg gits drowned sudden, and then thare may be a few fleas lost.

They are about az hard to kill az a flaxseed iz, and if you don't mash them up az fine az ground pepper they will start bizzness agin, on a smaller kapital, jist az pestiverous az ever.

Thare iz lots ov people who have never seen a flea, and it takes a pretty smart man tew see one ennyhow; they don't stay long in a place.

If you ever ketch a flea, kill him before you do ennything else; for if you put it oph 2 minnits, it may be too late.

Menny a flea haz past away forever in less than 2 minnits.

III.

LIVE YANKEES

Live Yankees are chuck full of karakter and sissing hot with enterprize and curiosty.

In bild we find them az lean az a hunter's dorg, with a parched countenance, reddy for a grin, or for a sorrow; ov elaastick step: thortful, but not abstrakted; pashunt, bekauze cunnin; ever watchful; slo to anger; avoiding a fight; but rezolute at bay.

In dress alwuz slik, but not stuck up; their harness alwuz betrays them wherever they go.

The oil ov their langwidge iz their dezire tew pleze, and their greezy words foreshadder a proffit.

They are natral mechanicks; the histry ov man's necessitys iz the histry ov their invenshuns.

The Live Yankee haz no hum; hiz luv ov invenshun breeds a luv ov change, and wharever a human trail shows itself we find him pantin on the trak.

He never gits sick at the stummuk in a furrin land, or grows sentermental; the buty ov a river tew him iz its capacity for a steambote; its sloping banks checker into bildin lots, and its poetry waters might do the drudgery ov a cottin mill.

He looks at a marble pyramid, guesses at its height, calkulates the stone by the perch, and sells the magnifisent relick in Boston at a proffit.

He climbs the Alpin hights, crossed by conkerin heroes, and iz struk with the proprierty ov tunneling it.

He sits, cross-legged, beneath the sheltring vine and listens to the oneazy sea, sees the warm promise ov the grape, and forgettin the holy memrys ov the land ov song, grinds the smilin vintage into wine and maiks a happy bargin.

You can meet him in Constanternopel, makin up in grimace what he lacks in langwidge, spreadin a plaster with hiz tounge, for the man ov Mahomet.

Go where you will, from the numb palsied North tew the swetting limberness ov the South, from the top ov earth's mornin tew half past eleven at night, and the everlastin Yankee you will find, either vehement in an argue, or purswazive in a swop.

Hiz religion iz praktikal; he mourns over the heathen, and iz reddy tew save them by the job.

He luvs liberty with a red pepper enthuziasm, and fully beleafs Nu England kan whip the universe.

If the phlegmatick Englishman brags about roast beef and hiz ansesters, Jonathan haz a pumkin pie and a grandpop tew match them.

If the Frenchman grows crazy over a frigazee ov frog's hind legs, Jonathan pulls out a donut and a Rhode Island greening.

If the dusky Italian talks about the mad vomits ov Vgesuvius, Jonathan turns in the water power ov Niagara.

In argument alwuz ernest, and in reazoning alwuz specius, this progressive phenomena tramps the world with the skeleton ov a pattent right in hiz carpet bag, and, in his ever open hand and face a pleasant "Heow air yer?"

If you would save your pride from bein sandpapered, risk it not in a dicker with Jonathan.

Hiz razor is the true Damascus, strapped on the wand ov Midas for a golden harvest; hiz sanctity iz often shrewdness, and hiz sweet savor iz often the reflekted halo ov the comin shillin.

Constitushunaly and by edukashun honest, he iz alwuz reddy tew cry for the deeds dun in the boddy; hiz hospitalitys and charities are cerimonial dutys, and if hiz religion iz sometimes only the severitys ov a sabbath, it iz bekauze hiz bias iz the thursting impulse ov a creatin genius chained tew the more sordid pashun for lucre.

IV.

LINCH-PINS

I want to bet 3 Dollars, that no man ever matched himself agin the Devil, but what he got beat.

And I want to bet one dollar and seventy-five cents more, that thare is no villin on airth so grately mean az he who reccommends a vice that he has too mutch prudence to indulge in himself.

I hav held, that if a man iz virtuous, he kan't be ignorant; and i still hold it.

Aim hi, if you strike low. The man who undertakes tew jump 375 feet ahed, will sertinly make a good try.

I never knu a man who was alwus anxious tew repent uv his sins before he had committed them, who didn't want the sharpest kind ov watching.

"Don't put oph till to-morrow what kan be did to-day." It is better even to do a foolish thing at onst, if you have positiffly made up yure mind to do it.

I never bet enny stamps on the man who iz always telling what he would have did if he had bin thare; I hav notised that this kind never git thare.

Faith don't appear to me tew be ennything more than tip top good sense; all the faith thare is in this world now wont keep a man from falling to the bottom of a well if he lets go ov the curb to spit on hiz hands.

When i git to not having enny good luck, it duz seem to me that i kan hav more ov it than enny man i ever knu, and not half try; i suppose it seems jist so to you, my friend, don't it?

I kant think ov enny talent now, that iz so apt to descend from father to son, untarnished, as the gift ov exaggeration.

"Thare aint ennything nu under the sun." The old feller in Connekticut, who carried the same old jack-knife for 43 years, and wore out 9 new handles, and 12 setts ov blades, sez so.

Thare aint, after all, but one right way to dew things. I hav seen kows that you could milk on both sides, but they wan't more than haff broke.

A man may hav a perfek right to be born single, but I dought whether he haz a right tew continny on so.

I take it, that the excellence of human natur consists in lifting the greatest amount ov sorrow with the least amount ov grin.

Them who make the most blow, hav the least fragranse – it iz jess so with the hollerhauk.

The best edukashun a man receives in this life, he gits just before he dize, and it mostly consists in forgetting what he haz larnt before.