Josh Billings on Ice, and Other Things

FUST DAY

A puss ov ten dollars was trotted for by sucking colts, that had never trotted before for munny.

Thare waz thirteen entries.

Thare waz 60,000 people on the track to witness the rase, (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.)

The puss was won amid vociferous exclamashuns by a red colt, and the waving ov handkerchiefs, with a strip in his face, and the fainting ov several fust-class females, and one white foot behind.

SEKOND DAY

It rained like a perpendikular aul day, and no trotting could be had, so the audience aul went hum, cussing and swaring, and offering tew bet four tew six on the Pete Tucker colt.

THIRD DAY

The sun highsted up in the east more butyfuller than i ever saw her before, (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she does.)

It waz a fust rate day for agrikultur, or enny other man.

A puss ov 30 dollars waz trotted for, by sum 2 year old colts.

This rase did not attract much affection, on account ov the time being so slow.

Time, 2 minnits and 38 seconds.

FOURTH DAY

This waz fur 3 or 4 years old, who hadn't never beat 2.25.

Thare waz 26 entrys; they couldn't aul trot tew once, so they took turns.

This rase waz won after a bitter contest, by Pete Tucker's colt.

He waz immediately offered a thousand dollars and a fust-rate farm, well-stocked, for the colt, by three different agrikultural men, but with a grate deal ov indignant good sense, he skorned to stoop so low.

Pete Tucker, and his whole family, are aul hoss.

FIFTH DAY

It rained agin like thunder and lightning, and the day waz spent in betting on the weight ov hosses.

Sevral good hoss-swops waz also did.

One man swopped two hosses fur one; this struck me as a devilish good thing, but everyboddy else said it waz soft.

At the end ov the fifth day i cum away.

I got so full ov hoss, that ever since when i laff i kant keep from whinnering.

The fare waz kept up for 10 daze, and sum red hot time waz made.

I think 2 minnits and 10 sekunds waz made, (if my memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.)

I forgot tew say that thare was two yoke ov oxens on the ground, beside sevral yokes ov sheep and a pile ov carrots, and some worsted work, but they didn't seem to attrakt enny simpathy.

The people hanker fur pure agrikultural hoss-trots.

XI.

JOSH BILLINGS DEFINES HIS POSITION

Dear World: —

I got yure letter by acksident, and reply verry mutch az follers:

I am a black Republican, with white antycedents.

I alwus waz agin slavery ov enny kind; not bekause it was constitutional, but bekause it waz ungodly.

I don't beleave the best judges ov color kan pick out a negro's soul in the Kingdom ov Heaven.

I believe in the doktrine ov secession – if i don't like my home, and am 21, i have a rite tew go oph, but i haint got enny rite tew take the old man's farm or hiz tin-ware with me.

I am in favor ov being made Post-master in our city, but i am about the only man that iz, which speaks well for the disinterestedness ov our citizens.

I am also in favor ov short stories, when a man haint got mutch tew say.

    Yours, tenderly,
    Josh Billings.

XII.

COLD PIECES

It don't appear tew me that envy kan pay well, for those whom we envy most are alwus envying somebody else.

Hope often cheats us, but yet how eazy it is tew forgiv the sassy jade.

Men ov talents kan be criticised, but a genius kant, – criticism is a mere string and plummet, – the eagle roosts too hi for tape lines.

Mi idee ov fust-rate poetry iz that kind that reads just exactly az I should have wrote it.

Yu kant phool a wise man with praise that aint true.

Persekution will make even kanada thissells grow.

If you trade with a Yankee, steal hiz jack-knife fust; for if he gits tew whitling, yu are gone in spite of thunder.