Marry Me Tomorrow: The perfect, feel-good read to curl up with in 2017!

‘This is no time to be proud.’ I put my hands on my hips, ready for an argument. ‘You need a better coat anyway. The one you wear is too thin.’ I passed him his coffee and he took it, lifting it to his lips. ‘We’ll wash your other stuff. You can keep it, no problem. But I’ll have to smarten you up a bit for when you meet my mum.’

He took a deep breath before letting it out as a sigh. ‘I’m not happy about this.’

‘Why? You get new clothes. Yay!’

‘I hate shopping. And I hate taking handouts off people like you.’

‘People like me? What’s that supposed to mean?’ I couldn’t help but feel a little offended.

‘I don’t mean it like that. I just meant… Oh, I don’t know what I meant. I don’t want charity and I don’t want you spending loads of money on me.’

‘Don’t think of it as charity then. You’re doing me a massive favour, aren’t you? I’m asking you to play a part and I need to provide the tools for you to play that part. That’s all this is. You’re acting.’

‘Well, I have to warn you that I was crap at drama at school.’

I shrugged. ‘I’m sure you can pull this off. I’ve already told her you’re a quiet person.’ I took my coffee and went into the lounge to sit on the sofa.

‘Will I have to kiss you and stuff?’ He followed me into the lounge and sat on the edge of the armchair. Placing his coffee on the table, he rested his bowl on his knee with one hand and looked at me. I stared at it, concerned about it falling onto the carpet.

‘No, I shouldn’t think so, seeing as we’re married, ha ha,’ I said, trying to appear laid back. ‘Lydia barely talks to her husband let alone kisses him.’

‘How long have they been married?’

‘Five years or so?’

He grunted. ‘And when did we get married?’

‘Beginning of October.’

‘So, we’re newly-weds? Deeply in love? Unable to keep our hands off each other?’

‘Steady on!’ I blushed, laughing.

‘Get real, Emily. What’s your mum going to think if we act like strangers around each other?’

‘Remember she’s staying in a hotel,’ I said. ‘I’ll tell her you don’t like public displays of affection.’

Sam shook his head. He looked as though he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. ‘I don’t know why you’re bothering. Really, the whole thing’s ridiculous.’

I sighed. ‘I thought I’d tell her that we’re having marriage difficulties so we can split up after Christmas. That would work, wouldn’t it?’

‘Oh great, so you’re going to make out I’m a bastard, are you? And your mum’s going to hate me?’

‘No, nothing like that. I’ll say we’ve got intimacy issues and it’s not working. I’ll blame myself.’

‘Intimacy issues?’ Sam laughed. ‘Am I missing the whole point of this or what? Surely this whole thing is to make you look better to your mum, not worse?’

‘Not really, I just wanted her to stop nagging. Maybe she’ll give up if she realises I’m useless with men.’

Sam rolled his eyes and sighed. ‘If we’re going to do this, we may as well make it look as real as possible. So, tell me, where did we get married?’

‘The registry office. A spur of the moment thing. Just us.’

‘I think you have to tell them in advance. You can’t just turn up.’ He pulled a face, unimpressed. ‘What did we do after?’

‘Went for a meal.’

‘Where? McDonald’s?’

‘No!’

He laughed. ‘I thought it would tie in with your “no frills” theme.’

‘It was quiet, not cheap!’ I snapped. ‘We went down to the river.’

‘Oh, a picnic then?’ He laughed again and spooned more Weetabix into his mouth.

‘No. In a restaurant. I don’t think I said which one. A picnic would have been romantic though.’

‘In October? You’re crazy.’

‘Then we went on the river afterwards.’

‘Pedalo?’

‘A rowing boat.’ I rolled my eyes, exasperated. ‘It was romantic.’

‘I bet it was, on your own.’ His shoulders shook with laughter and his eyes crinkled. ‘So, why are there no photos? Everyone has to have a photo of their “special day”, don’t they? What are we going to say when your mum asks to see them? And why hasn’t she asked to see them already?’

‘I told her that you don’t like your photo being taken.’

‘What the hell?! What kind of guy refuses to have his photo taken on his wedding day? I sound like a right knob!’

‘What do you suggest then, genius?’ I stared at him, annoyed by how pedantic he was being. ‘Got any bright ideas?’

He shrugged and scratched his chest. ‘Have you got a computer?’

‘I’ve got a laptop.’

‘Can you superimpose our faces onto another couple’s bodies?’

‘No. Can you?’

‘No.’

‘I suppose I could try.’ I sat back against the sofa. ‘Or, maybe we could post them on the Internet and ask someone to help?’

‘Err, Emily, even I know that’s a really bad idea and I haven’t had access to a computer for over a year and a half now.’