Marry Me Tomorrow: The perfect, feel-good read to curl up with in 2017!

‘What do you mean? There are loads of creative types out there.’

‘People will just take the piss. They’ll be putting our faces on all sorts of things. We’ll be riding camels or sky diving or something. How about we get my hair cut then take a selfie outside the registry office.’

‘We can’t. The weather’s wrong.’ I looked out of the window. Black clouds were looming on the horizon. ‘It was a lovely sunny day when we got married.’

‘Was it now?’ Sam voice was dry as he got up and crossed to the window. ‘Seriously, there are so many holes in this plan it’s unbelievable.’ He turned and looked at me thoughtfully. ‘Are you sure your mum actually believes this story? Do you think she might be coming over to check it’s true?’

‘Of course she believes me,’ I said, indignant.

Sam stared at me. ‘I bet she doesn’t, because I’ve just realised something. You can’t lie, can you? You’re completely crap at lying and there’s no way we’re going to pull this off.’

‘No, we can pull this off. It’s going to be fine, honest.’

Sam shook his head and turned back to the window, muttering under his breath. ‘So what does she think I do then? Or rather, what does she think your imaginary husband does?’

‘I just said you were in sales. I was deliberately vague.’

‘What kind?’

I shrugged. ‘I didn’t specify. You can make something up.’

‘And what’s our surname?’

‘I kept my maiden name. I don’t think she asked about yours once I said that.’

Sam shook his head, still staring out of the window. ‘Weird.’

‘I don’t think she’s that interested, to be honest,’ I said. ‘She’s so wrapped up in her new life and her new husband that everything else goes over her head. What’s your surname, anyway?’

‘Mackenzie. What’s yours?’

‘Fielding.’

He grunted. ‘So, her new husband is coming with her, is he?’

‘Yes. Len.’

‘What does he do?’

‘I don’t know. He’s retired, I think.’

‘So, basically, someone I would have nothing in common with.’

‘Pretty much. But that goes for me too.’ I put my coffee down on the table and got to my feet. ‘I’m going to have a shower, then we’ll go shopping if that’s all right with you?’

**

‘Do we have to go into the city centre to shop?’ Sam said, pulling a grey hoody over his head as we were about to leave. ‘I don’t really want to be seen by any of the other homeless people.’

I stopped and blinked at him. ‘Why? What are they going to do?’

He shook his head. ‘Nothing. I just feel bad about walking past people I know, shopping. Especially as this is all pretend and I’m going to be back with them soon enough anyway.’

I opened my mouth and then shut it again.

‘Plus it’s a bit weird going into shops that I usually sit outside,’ he added with a grimace.

I nodded. ‘Okay. We’ll go to a shopping park then. But I don’t know how we’re going to get your hair cut.’

Sam shrugged. ‘If you’ve got some clippers, I’ll do it myself.’

‘I can get some.’ I opened the door and ushered him out into the hallway. He reached for his coat. ‘Leave it,’ I said, my voice sharper than I intended. ‘I’m buying you a new one, remember. You’ll only have to carry it.’

He rolled his eyes, but left the coat on the rack as he followed me out to the lift. ‘I feel like a kid going shopping with his mum,’ he muttered as I tried to brush some dried mud off the leg of his jeans.

‘Oh be quiet,’ I said, as the lift doors opened with a ping. We stepped in and stood in silence as the elevator travelled down to the ground floor.

‘It’s a nice place you live in here,’ Sam said as the lift came to a stop and we stepped out into the main entrance. He looked around at the freshly painted magnolia walls and grey carpet. It still smelled new. ‘Most places I see are covered in graffiti and smell of piss.’

‘Shh,’ I said, as the couple that lived upstairs appeared from outside, stamping their feet on the mat and shaking their umbrellas. Hearty and happy, they were always up at the crack of dawn and going off on walks in their matching anoraks. ‘Hello! Hello!’ I boomed, enthusiastically like some kind of children’s TV presenter.

‘Hi, Emily. It’s raining cats and dogs out there! You’ll need full waterproofs.’ They looked curiously at Sam who was peering out at the driving rain with a look of concern. Maybe I should let him go back up and get his coat. I dithered for a moment.

‘We’re just popping to the shops in the car,’ I said. ‘This is Sam, by the way.’

‘Hi, Sam,’ they said cheerfully.

‘Hello.’ He smiled at them and I grabbed his arm and pulled him out into the rain before they could ask any questions.

‘See you later.’

‘I’m a bit out of practice with introductions and all that,’ Sam said as we ran to my car and climbed in. The windows steamed up instantly. ‘But I seem to remember that it’s a sort of two-way process. Like, you say my name and then you say their names. Now I have no idea what they’re called.’

‘Well that makes two of us,’ I said, slotting the key into the ignition and starting up the car. ‘We were introduced on the day I moved in and I can’t remember what their names are but they always remember mine so I feel bad about asking them theirs.’

Sam sighed as he pulled the seat belt around him. The shoulders of his hoody were dark with rain. ‘Thanks for making me leave my coat,’ he said, faux cheerfully.

‘You’re welcome!’ I said, equally bright.

The rain drummed on the car roof and the windscreen wipers thrashed backwards and forwards. I reversed out of my parking spot, swiping at the windscreen with my demister pad as I did so.

‘Jeez! Do you think you could do that before you start driving?’

‘Oh shut up!’ Bouncing over a speed hump, I indicated right to join the main road. Sam gripped the handle above his head. ‘Relax,’ I said, spotting a gap in the traffic and accelerating off up the road. ‘I’m a good driver. I’ve never had an accident.’

‘There’s always a first time,’ he muttered. ‘I’m not exactly Mr Lucky.’

‘We’ll be fine.’ I shot him a smile as I fiddled with the radio and music blasted out. He batted my hands away.