Skin Deep: All She Wanted Was a Mummy, But Was She Too Ugly to Be Loved?

‘I don’t like her when she does that, Nanny,’ Jackson said quietly. ‘What’s wrong with her?’

Before I could think of an answer, Tyler provided one for him. ‘She’s not right in the head, kiddo,’ he said conversationally. ‘We get it all the time at home, don’t we, Casey?’

I shook my head. ‘Tyler!’ I admonished, albeit equally quietly. ‘How many times have I told you? “Not right in the head” is not a nice thing to say! She has some problems, sweetheart, that’s all,’ I corrected for the benefit of Levi and Jackson. ‘But we’re working to help her – all of us; Tyler’s doing his bit, too – and hopefully you boys can just be a little bit patient while we try to work out how best we can do that right now. Is that okay?’

Jackson nodded and then pointed at the door. ‘It’s all right, Nan, she’s all better now. Look, they’re coming back in again.’

She did indeed seem largely ‘all better’. Riley winked at me as she sat opposite and pulled Flip into the chair next to hers. ‘All sorted, Mum,’ she said, turning to smile at Flip, who seemed to be looking up at her adoringly. ‘Flip just wanted to sit somewhere different, didn’t you, sweetie? But she now sees why we ladies should all sit together, and I’ve explained that screaming is most definitely not a good way to get people to listen to her. In fact it’s more likely to get people to close their ears and not listen. Isn’t that right, Flip?’

Flip nodded and picked up the orange juice I placed in front of her. ‘I was just scared, Mummy,’ she told me.

‘Scared?’ I asked her. ‘Scared of what?’

She glanced past me to where the boys were. ‘Scared I wasn’t allowed to sit with my brothers because they didn’t like me –’

‘I never said that!’ Levi interrupted indignantly. ‘I never!’

Oh, God, I thought. Here we go again. But Tyler was already shushing him.

‘Because I’m so ugly,’ Flip finished, with a new sob in her voice, and clearly so taken up with her own train of thought that she wasn’t even listening to him.

‘Well, what a silly sausage thing to think!’ I said, reaching across to pat her hand reassuringly. ‘As if those boys would even think that! Nobody could possibly think that, sweetie. I keep telling you how pretty you are.’

‘I did too,’ Riley said, looking at me. ‘In fact, we’ve even had a chat, Flip and I. And the next time you bring her round to our house she’s going to play Princess Dress Up with me and Marley-Mae, and we’re doing hair, make-up, the whole girly lot, aren’t we, love? I might even get Lauren over too, now she’s back from holidays. Now, who’s for food? Are you all Hank Marvin over there, Ty? I know I could eat a whole woolly mammoth.’

With woolly mammoth not on the menu, it was chicken nuggets and French fries for the kids, and while Riley and I shared a plate of spaghetti and meatballs we tried to ignore the glances of the customers who had witnessed the performance and seemed so keen to express their feelings – via the medium of dark looks and meaningful stares as they exited.

Which was fine. I’d been in similar scenarios more times than I cared to remember, and it was odds on I’d be in similar scenarios many times again. Indeed, likely as not before the week was out, with our little pocket rocket. Which reminded me that I should perhaps be a little more proactive; rather than wait to be told, I should get down to the GP’s and get Flip registered and re-assessed, because it seemed clear things were not working out with her medication.

Seemed crystal clear, in fact. Because lunch finished, and while Riley was off in the ladies with Flip and Marley-Mae, a kindly-looking older lady stopped on her way out of the café. ‘Bless you, you have got your hands full,’ she remarked.

‘We have indeed,’ I agreed ruefully, while I helped Jackson with his coat.

‘Not meaning to interfere,’ she added, obviously keen to tell me something. ‘But she reminds me of my grand-daughter, that little ’un with the lungs on her. I was saying to my friend. She might have that ADH thingy.’ She lowered her voice a touch. ‘You can get pills for it. Like a miracle, they are. Like a different girl, she is now. Anyway, dear, just thought I’d mention.’

‘Erm …’ I began. But where to start? In fact, why start at all? After all, she’d just proved my point.

Chapter 6 (#u81e70186-59ed-5c0d-a807-33f5f39c13ac)

The morning I waved Tyler off to school for the start of a new term didn’t turn out to be the day that Flip joined her class. Despite getting the go-ahead from the local authority – and I had carefully guarded the confirmation letter as evidence, should it be needed – the school had already been informed about her history and her lack of attendance at her previous school, so, before deciding which class to put her into, they wanted to meet Flip and me for a chat.

Given the time we’d had with her so far, this did make sense, even if it meant that in the end they didn’t take her. Should that be the case, then perhaps a more specialist school was going to be the way forward in any case, though the big stress was the time it would take to get her a place at such an institution – I knew things like that could take weeks, and Flip needed to be back in the routine of education, for everyone’s sakes.

I’d also made an appointment with our GP’s surgery, with a view to discussing where she was with her medication, and coming up with a slightly more scientific answer than ‘Aargh!’

As for giving her a morning dose of Ritalin, I was very much in two minds, but reasoning that, for the most part, it was a drug that calmed children down rather than making them go off pop, I opted to give it to her and hope for the best; odds on, it would surely only help our case once we got to school.

‘Here you go, sweetie,’ I said, passing Flip a glass of water and her pill. ‘Take this and then we’ll have a nice walk down to see the doctor.’

Flip pulled a face at me, wrinkling her nose. ‘Thems horrible, Casey. They make me feel funny.’

It was the first time she’d made reference to how the drugs made her feel so I pressed her for more, thinking it may help the doctor. ‘How do they make you feel, love? Funny how?’

She swallowed the pill and put the glass down, then shrugged. ‘Just funny. And I don’t like it. Sort of wonky.’

I suppressed a smile as I took the glass. It wasn’t the first time I’d heard a child try to explain how Ritalin affected them, but it was the first time I’d heard the word ‘wonky’. But perhaps she had hit the nail on the head. I couldn’t imagine having to take a pill that made me feel out of control, and from what I knew of this particular medication, that’s kind of what it did. Other children had described it as making them feel that they were stuck in a dream, and ‘not quite there’. Wonky. I got that. And I mentally filed it. Whatever it did, I didn’t suppose it was very nice.

In most cases there was no doubt Ritalin had the ‘desired’ effect – it subdued the need to be constantly on the go, increased the ability to concentrate for more than five minutes and, I guess more importantly, it allowed parents who were at their wits’ end to cope and teachers to allocate their time to all of their class, rather than having to be constantly tied up with a child who had ADHD. Which was obviously important in a world full of 30-strong classes, a curriculum to be delivered to a timetable and, of course, those frazzled parents.

Which was why I was slightly open mouthed at Dr Shakelton’s suggestion when we were sitting in his consulting room half an hour later.

‘What I’d like to do, Casey, if you’re okay with it,’ he said, after we’d discussed what we both knew of Flip, and he’d chatted to her himself, ‘is to have a bit of a trial run without the Ritalin.’

I looked at Flip, who was now disengaged from us, sliding her new school socks up and down her legs. Then I turned back to the doctor. ‘Without the Ritalin? I don’t understand,’ I said. ‘She’s been assessed as having ADHD – well, as far as I believe, and she’s very hyper even though she’s taking the tablets.’ I frowned, choosing my words carefully as she was in the room with us. ‘I don’t know what it would be like without them.’

‘And that’s precisely my point,’ the doctor said. ‘Despite popular opinion, Ritalin can actually have an adverse effect on some children. From what you’ve told me – and her records seem to suggest the same – the medication isn’t doing much to control the hyperactivity at all.’ He smiled at Flip, who smiled back at him as if he was Santa in a suit. ‘Young Philippa here says she doesn’t like the tablets, so we ought really to have some time off from them, shouldn’t we? Just to see what happens.’

Flip’s smile became a pout. ‘S’not Philippa!’ she said crossly. ‘It’s Flip. With a “F”! Mummy, can we go now?’ she whined, turning to me. ‘I’m bored an’ I wanna go to school.’

Dr Shakelton smiled again. ‘I do beg your pardon, Flip with a “F”. So, Casey? What do you think? You up for a bit of a medical trial?’

The answer was, of course, yes. Had to be, really. Dr Shakelton had been our family GP for many years. He didn’t just know the job I did, and the kinds of kids I tended to look after – he’d been pretty active in supporting us in doing so. If he was suggesting something, I trusted him enough to know that he was acting in Flip’s best interest. ‘I guess we can do that,’ I said, mentally crossing my fingers that the ‘trial’ went the way we both hoped. ‘How long before we see any results, do you think?’

‘We might not see any results,’ he said, ‘but then again, if she was misdiagnosed by any chance – and it can happen – we just might. Either way, I’d say to give it at least a month, and if things worsen in that time we can always try putting her back on it again.’

Flip was already up on her feet, clutching my hand and hopping from one to the other impatiently. I stood up as well. ‘Right then, kiddo, let’s go see what school has to say, then, shall we?’

Flip grinned and pulled at me. ‘Yes, come on! I promised the brothers we wouldn’t be late!’ She then seemed to remember something. ‘Mummy, could you ask the doctor man if I can have a poo in his toilet first? I don’t wanna have no accidents, do I?’

This was fast becoming something of a thing with Flip. We’d all banged on so much about the importance of recognising you needed the toilet in good time to actually get to a toilet that we’d arrived at a place where Flip wanted the opportunity to use any toilet, anywhere, whether she needed to or not. There were points involved for using a toilet, after all. It had almost become something of a game to her.

‘Do you really need to go?’ I asked her, just as Dr Shakelton was raising a finger to point us in the direction of his. ‘Could you wait five minutes till we get home, do you think? You’ll still get a star on your chart.’ It really was like dealing with a pre-schooler.

Happy now, she assured me she could wait and we hurried home – her chattering away in her usual manner about the first thing that caught her attention, and with me wondering what line the school might take when I told them she wouldn’t be getting any medication for the foreseeable future. Which I absolutely had to do, even if it was tempting not to.

And Flip clearly did need to use the toilet. She was halfway up the stairs before I’d even closed the front door.

‘Hang on, why don’t you use the downst—’ I began.

‘Can’t!’ she said. ‘It’s already coming out!’ Then she disappeared round the corner of the landing.

I shook my head as I went to find my car keys, ready to drive to school. That made no sense either, but the main thing was that I would need to have a word with her about her tendency towards the descriptive when it came to bodily functions; a social nicety that would be second nature to an average eight-year-old and the sort of lapse that would mark her out as odd. And I had no doubt she’d probably been a much-bullied child. I found the keys, then went to grab a couple of shopping bags to take with me, so I could pop to the supermarket as soon as we’d finished up in school – well, assuming they allowed her to stay. I had also promised Kieron that I’d drop in on Lauren – she’d been feeling under the weather since getting back from holiday and was taking a few days off work. I decided I’d get a few extra bits and drop them off for her. I’d just stuffed the bags into my handbag when Flip appeared again on the landing – this time with Pink Barbie in her hand. So that was why she was keen to use the upstairs bathroom.

‘Uh-oh,’ she said, her face taking on the expression of an exasperated mother as she came back down the stairs. ‘Looks like this little princess doesn’t know her manners. She was meant to wipe my bum for me, and she managed to leave the poo on my new knickers.’ She frowned at the doll and then at me. ‘She left skidders, Mummy!’

‘Oh, Flip!’ I said, dropping the car keys and my bag onto the hall table. ‘Are you serious? Truth, now. Did you poo in the toilet or in your pants?’ I turned her around and started walking her back up the stairs. ‘Come on, back to the bathroom. Let’s get you sorted out.’

‘I told you! It was this little madam!’ she cried indignantly. ‘I wouldn’t mess in my new school knickers! Not never!’