Skin Deep: All She Wanted Was a Mummy, But Was She Too Ugly to Be Loved?

Though of course she had. And it wasn’t just the underwear. It was down the back of her legs, the lovely white school socks, and also smeared down the back of her cute pinafore dress. I could have cried. She’d looked so pretty a couple of hours ago, when I’d taken the obligatory first-day-at-school photo that I’d done with my own children, and every foster child since.

I’d been reading up on soiling and, with such a plethora of information on the subject (good old Google …), I felt no better informed about what might be at the root of Flip’s behaviour than I had when I’d started. There just seemed to be so many factors that might be involved. It was clearly something that needed more professional intervention, and as a priority, because I couldn’t really see much progress being made on the ‘socialising’ front till it was dealt with.

But it wasn’t her fault, and I knew I had to keep that uppermost in mind while, nose wrinkling, I stripped her down and cleaned her up, ready to change into another set of clothes. I thanked the lord that I’d had the foresight to buy four of everything. If things went on like this, I’d struggle to keep up.

Fifteen minutes later – and ten minutes late for our appointment – we were sitting in the headmaster’s office. Mr Stancliffe, the headteacher, had already introduced himself and was now introducing the friendly-looking woman who had also joined us.

‘Selina Carter,’ he said as I leaned over to shake hands with her. ‘Selina runs our nurture group.’

I’d not heard of them having a nurture group, and it must have shown on my face, because Miss Carter was quick to explain. It was a new class, apparently, born out of the previous learning support group, and simply renamed to differentiate it. She smiled at Flip, who reciprocated. I had a hunch she was going to like Miss Carter. ‘We decided that, while Flip gets used to her new surroundings, and we work out which groups she needs to be in,’ she went on, ‘she’ll spend her first couple of weeks here in my class. It’s just a small group – six other children or so, generally no more than that – and she’ll be doing the curriculum, just the same as everyone else. Just in a less stressful environment, you know –’ she smiled at Flip again – ‘to help get her settled in.’

Flip didn’t return the second smile. In fact, she immediately gripped my hand and wriggled herself closer to me. ‘What about the brothers?’ she whispered, as if discussing some obscure religious sect. ‘Ask her, Mummy. Are the brothers going to be in my class?’ She squeezed my hand tighter, her voice tight, and I feared the imminent arrival of tears followed by a meltdown.

‘Sweetie,’ I said, leaning towards her, hoping I could prevent it. ‘No they won’t, but that’s because this is a special, special class, for very special little girls. It’s because you’re such a special little girl that you’ve been picked – you have been hand-picked – to go in with Miss Carter, just for a little bit. Because you’re special. And I’m sure it’s going to be lots and lots of fun.’ I glanced meaningfully at the two teachers who were watching our exchange, and thankfully Mr Stancliffe seemed to know what to do.

‘Mrs Watson … um … your mummy … is absolutely right,’ he said. ‘In fact, Miss Carter’s class is the most fun in the whole school, Flip, and you’ll still get to play with … um … the brothers?’ He glanced at me, confused.

‘My grandsons,’ I quickly supplied. ‘Levi and Jackson. They’re both here, and that’s how Flip refers to them.’

‘Because they are my brothers,’ she added, her anxiety seemingly now forgotten.

‘Ah,’ Mr Stancliffe said, ‘yes, yes, of course. Well, you’ll get to play with them at playtime – and lunchtime, of course – and I’m sure you’ll get to wait for them at home time.’ He leaned towards her. ‘I promise you, you will love it in Miss Carter’s group.’

It was a lot to live up to, but Miss Carter looked equal to the task. She stood up and held out a hand towards Flip. ‘Why don’t you and I go and have a sneaky peek at your new classroom, eh, Flip? You can meet the other children, and do you know what? I bet you anything you make a best friend forever this very morning. Don’t worry,’ she added, seeing Flip’s worried look. ‘Your mum can come and see you before she leaves.’

I encouraged Flip to go by producing Pink Barbie, who, unbeknown to Flip, I had slipped into my handbag before we left. ‘I’m sure Barbie will be allowed just for today,’ I said, glancing at Miss Carter hopefully. ‘Just to see your new school.’

I then had to force a smile as I watched Flip leave the office, glancing back at me anxiously as she left. Bless her heart. She looked absolutely terrified.

I ended up spending the best part of an hour with the headteacher, trying to give him a bit of insight as to what he might expect from Flip; what sort of background was involved, how she’d been since she’d come to us, the problems of lack of attachments, her meltdowns and her tendency to wander, plus the fact – and to his credit, he didn’t look too traumatised – that as of tomorrow she was off her Ritalin for a month. I hurried on, then, to what long-term plans had been tentatively put in place.

‘Essentially to get her placed with a long-term foster family,’ I told him. ‘Or, ideally, an adoptive one, obviously.’ I smiled. ‘Well, once we’ve managed to socialise her a bit, at any rate.’ I paused then. Better I do it now than have it – literally – come out once I’d gone. ‘There is one other issue I should make you aware of, Mr Stancliffe.’

He raised his eyebrows quizzically. ‘Which is?’

‘That it seems she’s never been properly potty-trained.’

I could see his brain whirring, wondering perhaps if I’d delivered her in a nappy. ‘Which means?’

‘Which means we’re working on it, but she does need reminding to go to the toilet and, to some extent, if it’s feasible, er … accompanying. Which is why I’m so pleased that you’ve decided to start her off in your nurture group,’ I rattled on. ‘Because it’ll make the process altogether easier, won’t it?’

I mentally apologised to poor Miss Carter as I said that, but, again, Mr Stancliffe seemed to take it all in his stride.

‘Right,’ he said, scribbling down something on the pad in front of him. ‘Right.’

He put his pen down.

‘So she’s effectively an unknown quantity as of tomorrow,’ he said finally.

I nodded. ‘Well, I suppose, yes. We’re doing this blind. All I know is that her medication doesn’t seem to have any impact on her. She’s just the same with it as when it wears off. My GP is hoping that it’s the meds that are making her so erratic, and that after some time off from them she might settle down a bit. That’s the plan, anyway. We’ll just have to see. You never know – it might even help with the soiling.’

I saw his nose wrinkle, almost imperceptibly, but definitely. ‘Ri-ight,’ he said again, then cleared his throat decisively. ‘As you probably already know, Mrs Watson, we did tell the local authority that we were at full capacity here.’ I nodded. ‘And that, like yours with her medication, this is going to be something of a trial. If we can’t fully meet her needs, we’d be doing her a disservice if we held on to her. I’m sure you’d agree.’

I did. On both counts. The word ‘trial’ had more than one meaning, after all. So after I’d gone and blown a kiss goodbye to Flip, who I could see through the classroom window now seemed be enjoying herself enormously with Miss Carter, I crossed both pairs of fingers on both of my hands. And then crossed my thumbs for good measure.

Chapter 7 (#u81e70186-59ed-5c0d-a807-33f5f39c13ac)

I had a busy day ahead, and as I ran around with the duster and furniture polish I offered up a silent prayer that one thing wouldn’t happen: that the phone would start ringing and that it would be the school. It was Flip’s first proper day and I was mentally crossing everything that it wouldn’t also be her last.

It was yet another stress to the checklist in my head; my mental ‘to do’ list, which currently included the fact that both Tyler and Mike had birthdays coming up in the next fortnight – within days of each other. Plus there had been Kieron, who I’d dropped in to see after I’d dropped Flip at school. He and Lauren had been back from Cyprus almost a week now, but what with her being poorly, I’d not really had a chance for a proper catch-up, and I knew he’d been dying to show me all his photos. One by one, as it turned out, having given me his smartphone – forgetting as he invariably did that, no, I didn’t know how to ‘touch, tap and scroll’ – and giving me a blow-by-blow account of all the whats, whys and wherefores of every image. Safe to say, Kieron had really enjoyed his holiday, which was a great relief.

‘I wasn’t one bit stressed out!’ he’d enthused, as he showed me how to work the phone, and I was only too happy to hear it. For all that my mind had been on Flip, he and Lauren had never been far from it either, and despite the confidence I’d tried to instil in him I’d still had half an ear on my mobile, half-expecting to get a call telling me he couldn’t cope and would have to come straight home. It was a source of real joy that it hadn’t actually happened; that my little boy, all grown up now, had leapt such a major hurdle.

Not that I’d really had time to do justice to the seemingly endless parade of zoo and waterpark pictures and accompanying commentaries. I had Ellie, Flip’s social worker, due to arrive at noon, so I had to curtail the slide show with promises that we’d go through them properly at the weekend – not to mention sampling the Zivania, apparently a wine-type beverage that was famous in Cyprus, a bottle of which they’d brought back for Mike and me. ‘Though between you and me, Mum,’ he confessed as I left, ‘it’s pretty strong stuff. I’m not sure it wasn’t responsible for Lauren feeling so poorly. She only had a glassful and that was it. Barf! She couldn’t touch a drop of anything for the rest of the week. So I won’t be offended if you put it in one of your trifles!’ he finished, handing it to me. Then, being Kieron, he did a helpful mime to illustrate.