Happy Adults

2. Focus on your attributes. You have much to offer. Acknowledge your failings and weaknesses but don’t dwell on them. None of us is perfect.

3. Visualize positive outcomes. Research has shown that if you believe something will turn out well you increase the chances of it doing so.

4. Think good of others. See the best in other people; give them the benefit of the doubt, don’t harbour grudges, forgive them and move on (see Chapter One).

5. Be grateful. Even the most disadvantaged of us has something to be grateful for. Recognize it and be thankful it is yours.

6. Get rid of the belief that life owes you. It doesn’t. The only person who owes is you and you owe it to yourself to make the best of life.

To do this, you need to be aware of what is happening in your thoughts. During the day our thought processes vary to accommodate what we are doing: reading or studying, at work, being on the computer, watching television, listening to music, engaging in conversation, concentrating on a difficult task, relaxing, etc. Sometimes our thoughts will be wholly occupied by what we are doing, but at other times there is space for our thoughts to cruise or wander. It is at such times, when we are off guard, not wholly concentrating, that we are most likely to find ourselves thinking negative thoughts if we are in a negative state of mind: I hate him. My nose is too big. Why did she cheat on me? There can’t be a God: he wouldn’t have let my mum die so young and so on.

Be aware of your thoughts and deal with any negativity immediately. Don’t indulge this negativity; instead, acknowledge your feelings, and then let go of them and consciously shift your mind to a positive thought. By using this strategy of counteracting a negative thought with a positive thought you can retrain your mind.

I think my nose is too big (negative), but people tell me I have nice eyes and a pleasant smile, which is good (positive).

I hate him for what he did to me (negative), but that part of my life is over now and I have a great future ahead of me (positive).

I don’t know why she cheated on me (negative), but it’s just as well I found out now rather than later (positive).

I wish my mum was still alive (negative); I miss her dreadfully. But thank God she was my mum and we had all those good years together. Some people don’t have that (positive).

You can find something positive in virtually every negative situation, even when the situation is dreadful. I am sure we were all impressed by the young soldier who, having lost both his legs and one arm when a landmine exploded, said in an interview that it could have been worse, and at least he still had one arm. Or the countless number of cancer sufferers who, having been told they only have a short while to live, decide to make the most of every minute, focusing on the days they have left rather than the years they have been deprived.

While you are retraining your mind to think positively there will be times when you slip into your old way of thinking. As soon as you catch yourself doing this, whether it is on waking, showering, eating, dressing, sitting on a train, playing with the children or at work, acknowledge your negative thoughts and make the next thought positive. It is important to acknowledge the negative thought: otherwise it can be buried without being dealt with and you can go into denial. All feelings are important, but negative thinkers focus on what is wrong in their lives to the exclusion of all that is right. If your mind returns to the negative, bring it back again to a positive thought. Soon this will become second nature, and hey presto, you will be a positive thinker! I am a positive thinker but I haven’t always been. As a teenager I used to dwell on all the sadness in the world (over which I had no control) and make myself very unhappy. Positive thinking came to me in my twenties, after a traumatic experience, and has been my companion ever since. It sees me through life’s downers and makes me appreciate every new day.

The children I foster often arrive depressed and unhappy – with very good reason: they have been separated from their families and have often been abused or badly neglected. By the time they leave me all of them are a lot, lot happier. While I haven’t been able to change their family situation or their past experience (unfortunately), I have been able to help them towards an acceptance of what has happened, and encourage them to think positively and this helps them to see a positive, brighter future.

Young children and even toddlers can be encouraged to think positively as soon as they begin taking an interest in their surroundings. There is beauty everywhere; sometimes we just need to see it. By pointing out the little robin in your garden, or the clear blue sky, or asking your child if he or she is enjoying their ice cream – ‘Mmm, that looks yummy. I bet it tastes good’ – you are encouraging your child to think positively.

One woman wrote: I spent over twenty years thinking about all that was wrong in my life (and believe me there was plenty). I thought life wasn’t fair as others didn’t seem to have my problems. I made myself so miserable I even considered suicide. Then one day I was in the dentist’s waiting room and picked up a copy of an old magazine. In it was an article about positive thinking and that article changed my life.

The notion of positive thinking is not new, but when you discover its huge power and the possibilities it opens up for happiness and contentment it seems like a revelation. It is life changing!

CHAPTER FOUR

Act Positively

Thinking positively, however, is only part of the equation that is lasting happiness and contentment. To feel the full benefit of a positive state of mind, you need to put your positive thoughts into action. Positive people are doers, positive in thought and action. They attract other positive people and together they make things happen.

The next piece of good news is that once you are using the power of positive thinking, acting positively is only a small step away.

Positive action follows positive thought. If you have started thinking positively you may already be practising some of the following strategies, without even realizing it, which is great. Read through the following, congratulate yourself on what you are already doing and take on board the areas you still need to work on. As with positive thinking, to begin with you will have to make a conscious effort to act positively, but very soon it will become automatic, with the result that you are both thinking and acting positively – a truly positive person.

How to act positively

1. Smile. As often as you can. If smiling doesn’t come naturally to you, force yourself to smile to begin with until it does. Research has shown that smiling has a natural feel-good factor. It releases endorphins (natural painkillers) and serotonin (sometimes called the body’s natural opium) into the bloodstream, literally making you happy. When you smile the facial muscles send messages of happiness to the brain, and you feel happy. Even when you are feeling unhappy, smiling can make you happy. Also, research trials have shown that when you smile others perceive you differently – as younger, more confident, successful and attractive. Smiling has been shown to relieve stress by lowering blood pressure, and also to strengthen the immune system. Happy, positive people are ill less often. Smiling is therefore beneficial on all levels and is an essential ingredient to being positive. So smile away.

2. Try new things. Set yourself realistic goals – short and long term – and do your very best to achieve them. (I’ll say more about this in Chapter Six.) If you’ve been wanting to learn a new skill, try a new hobby or even change your lifestyle or career, then do it. Don’t be frightened to try something new, whether it is swimming, skating, camping, debating, cake decorating, joining a political party or volunteering. All new experiences add to being a positive person. Our confidence and self-esteem grow from experiencing new challenges, and who knows where such new experience might lead?

One woman wrote: I was feeling pretty miserable as my fiftieth birthday approached. I was overweight and despite dieting couldn’t seem to shift the flab. My husband bought me a pair of quality trainers for a birthday present as I said I might try jogging. On that first morning I could barely run round the block, I was red in the face and panting, but I kept with it. Gradually my stamina built and the weight dropped off. Now I compete in marathons all over the world. I feel so fit and have made many new friends. Jogging has opened up a whole new life for me and I know my husband is proud of me. He claims it was the trainers that did it, but I say they couldn’t have done it without me!

A man who went fishing caught more than he could ever have dreamed of: I’d always wanted to learn to fish, right from a boy, so at the ripe old age of forty-two I bought myself a fishing rod and all the gear, and early one Sunday morning I left my wife and kids in bed and went and sat by a local river. It was pouring down and there was only me and a couple of lads, which I was pleased about, as I was making a fool of myself trying to cast the line.

Then a guy came along and said he was a journalist from the local newspaper and he was writing an article about local fishing spots and would I mind if he took a photo of me? I told him it was my first fishing trip but he said that was fine as I looked the part. A week later the photo was published in our local newspaper with my name, and an article about fishing spots. I looked very professional with all my new gear although all I’d caught that morning was a cold.

Then a few weeks later I received a letter forwarded to me by the newspaper. When I opened it I was amazed to find it was from my long-lost brother, whom I hadn’t seen for fifteen years. He’d seen my photo in the paper, and it turned out he only lived a mile away. We met up and I discovered he was a keen (and very good) fisherman. So now I go fishing with my brother while our wives go shopping.

Both these people changed their lives in ways they couldn’t have envisaged by trying something new. That’s not to say you’ll become a globetrotter if you take up jogging, or find a brother if you go fishing, but one thing is for certain: life doesn’t happen in front of the television or at the computer. Experience happens in the real world and positive people make it happen by going out and trying new things.

3. Use positive words as much as possible when speaking about yourself, others or situations:

I consider myself a fair person …

John is very patient …

It was decent of our company to still give us the bonus when profits are down, even though it was smaller than last year’s.

Even if you have a highly critical report to deliver, include as many positive words as you can. And generally, when you speak make sure you use more positive than negative words. I often have to talk at meetings about children who have severe behavioural problems, and I always begin my report with all the positives, which sets the atmosphere for the meeting. There is something positive in every person and situation; find it and say it. Whether you are talking casually to a friend or relative, or formally in a meeting at work, feast on the positive and acknowledge but don’t dwell on the negative.

4. Give praise where it is due. It won’t detract from your own worth to acknowledge what others have achieved. Praise is not a bag of sweets where the quantity diminishes as you share them out: it is more like fresh air – free and plentiful. As an author I have met some authors who are loathe to speak highly of their colleagues (especially if they are writing in the same genre), because of some misguided notion that praising others will detract from their own success. Of course it doesn’t; if anything it has the opposite effect. In praising others we show we are comfortable in our role, and insightful enough as a person to recognize and admire achievement.

Mark, that was an excellent report. Thanks for your input. I really appreciated it.

Mum, you are a smashing grandma. You have so much patience. The kids love you to bits.

Jane, that dress looks far better on you than it ever did on me. You have it.

What a great job you did decorating the sitting room!

Praise and positive feedback cost you nothing but have a huge effect on the recipient and yourself. Praise is like a kiss to the soul: we feel warm and glow from the approval of others. Not only does it make us feel good about ourselves but we also feel good about the person who praised us. We warm to that person and unsurprisingly research has shown that we bond more quickly with those who give praise and positive feedback than with those who remain neutral – not criticizing but not saying anything positive either.

Give yourself a quiet pat on the back, too, for something you have achieved, but keep self-praise to yourself unless you say it light-heartedly:

I think I did a good job there, don’t you, lads?

Job well done!

Didn’t she do well! (referring to yourself)

Leave effusive praise of yourself to others. No one likes a big head.

5. Make friends and reach out to people. We need friends as much as we need family. Framed on a wall in my home is a piece of embroidery given to me by my grandmother. It is made up of hundreds of tiny cross-stitches and states, quite simply, ‘A Family is a Circle of Friends Who Love You’. I’ve treasured this for years; the words are so poignant and have meaning on many levels. I even used the words to start a group on the social networking site Facebook.

Even if you are a naturally shy person, when you are thinking and acting more positively you will be in a much better position to meet new people and make friends. Begin with the smile you’ve been practising; then offer a small remark (in the UK the weather is a safe bet); then, if the situation allows, follow this initial contact with conversation. Not everyone you meet will become a lasting friend, but just reaching out and making contact with others – whether it is at the bus stop, at the supermarket checkout or in the lift at work – boosts our confidence and feelings of self-worth. Even grumbling with others at a bus stop about the bus being late is positive: it releases our frustration and bonds us with others in the same situation – the ‘pack’, as social scientists call it. Humans have always lived in groups and we need that sense of belonging as much now as we did when we lived in caves and hunted as a pack.

6. Learn to say no. Don’t be a martyr. Acting positively doesn’t mean you always have to agree to all the requests that are made of you. Far from it. Although positive people reach out and interact with others easily they also know how to give a polite refusal. No one likes a martyr who glories in suffering from too much to do. Such a person makes us lesser mortals feel very uncomfortable. We need to self-regulate the responsibilities and workload we accept. I developed the art of saying no many years ago when I realized that fostering, as well as raising my own children and working part-time, did not allow me to help in fundraising activities or sit on the PTA at my children’s school or do many of the other things I was asked to do. Agree to do what you can and want to do, and politely refuse what you don’t want to do or can’t do without causing yourself stress:

I’m sorry, I really can’t continue on the Neighbourhood Watch scheme as I am heavily committed with other projects.