Cathy Glass 3-Book Self-Help Collection

Don’t over-react

I have found with all my children, natural and fostered, that when they start school their vocabulary increases dramatically in the first few weeks, though not in a way I appreciate. To hear the words ‘fuck,’ ‘prick’ and, worst of all, ‘cunt’ on the lips of your little treasure is a shock to the most robust and liberal of constitutions. Or to have dear little Tom or Claire tell you over dinner that babies ‘pop out of fannies’ and they got there by ‘the man putting his dick in the woman’s bottom’ is a guaranteed show-stopper and good aide to indigestion.

Your child is only repeating what he or she has heard in the playground and probably won’t have the least idea what they are talking about. Sadly, the child who has told your child this could well be the child I am fostering and whose behaviour I am still in the process of modifying. Before the child came into care he or she will have spent many years living in chaos and neglect, often watching adult television or adult (pornographic) videos late into the night because no one had bothered to put them to bed. They might also have been sexually abused. What these children have seen, heard or experienced doesn’t disappear overnight; indeed it takes months, sometimes years, to undo some of the harm. Sometimes when I walk into the school playground I am met with hostile looks and whispers from other mothers as the ‘owner’ of the child who has sullied their child’s innocence. If such behaviour is brought to my attention I apologise to the parents and then talk to the child I am fostering about what is acceptable and what is not.

Don’t over-react when your child comes out with a gem you would rather not have heard (which I can guarantee every child will do, at some point after starting school). Speak to them calmly and firmly, explaining why it isn’t a nice word to use, and that you don’t want them to use it again either at home or school. Use age-appropriate language to talk to your child about a man ‘putting his dick in a woman’s bottom’ and set the record straight, although not necessarily at the dinner table. A five-year-old doesn’t need to know the exact details of sexual intercourse (and indeed it could appear quite frightening to a young mind), but you can give some explanation which you feel comfortable with, building on what you have already told your child about the facts of life.

If your child persists in swearing, or making inappropriate comments, then, as with all unacceptable behaviour, at any age, use the 3Rs to correct him – ‘Tom, I have told you we don’t use that word. If I hear it again I will stop your television time,’ carrying out the sanction if necessary. Don’t be tempted to laugh it off, for the next time your child swears or makes an inappropriate comment it might be when Granny or the vicar has come to tea, and it won’t seem quite so funny then.

And obviously don’t swear yourself in front of your child. Take time out to cool down, or confine any necessary expletive to something more acceptable like ‘damn’ or ‘blast’ that won’t seem so bad if your child repeats it. As in all things, children learn by imitation and if your child comes out with ‘What the fuck do you think you’re doing?’ having heard if from you or your partner, then you have only yourselves to blame. Telling the child that is OK for an adult to swear but not a child won’t wash; children can spot a double standard or inconsistency a mile away, and it will do nothing for your credibility.

Bullying

As your child is now away from you, at school, for the greater part of each day, make sure you have time to talk and listen to him or her, particularly when he or she comes home at the end of school, bubbling with news of the day. Be on the lookout for any worries or anxieties your child might have connected with school, and obviously praise and encourage all his or her achievements. Be alert for any signs your child is being bullied, and take any concerns your child might have seriously. Despite what many schools like to believe (even those with good anti-bullying policies), incidents of bullying are commonplace and usually happen in the playground.

Also – and this is more difficult – watch out for signs that your child could be bullying others. None of us likes to believe that our little treasure is capable of wilfully harming another child, but all children at some time will say or do something that is unkind, dominating or hurtful to another child. If such behaviour comes to your attention, don’t ignore it, as it will escalate if left unchecked, but don’t over-react either. Act swiftly and firmly, and deal with the incident as you have been dealing with all your child’s negative behaviour, by using the 3Rs. And remember, it is the behaviour and not the child that is wrong – ‘Tom, it was cruel to do that to Sam,’ not ‘You are cruel’. Explain to your child why the behaviour or remark was wrong (that it was hurtful and we should be kind to others and respect their feelings), and that it mustn’t happen again.

Some children are naturally more forceful and domineering than others, and while a child continually insisting that he or she should be the leader in a game or being very bossy isn’t bad bullying it is a form of control, which is only one step away from bullying. The child needs to be taught that their playmates should be given a turn to be in charge of the game. Children at this age vary greatly in their confidence and leadership skills, and while some children have a flair for organising, others need a lot of encouragement. Obviously you won’t be able to oversee your child in the playground, but listen carefully to what he or she tells you about time spent in the playground with other children.

When your child has friends home to play, be aware of their conversations, and make sure their games are not one-sided, with Tom or Claire controlling everyone else all of the time. It is essential that children learn teamwork and cooperation with others at this age, not only for successful and enduring friendships, but to put in place the skills they will need in adult life to function at work and in their relationships with other adults.

Being disliked by your child

Don’t worry about being in your child’s ‘bad books’. We are all there sometimes – it comes with the territory of good parenting, particularly with children of this age. Any parent who avoids enforcing rules or disciplining their child because they don’t want to incur their child’s displeasure will have their authority and respect severely diminished in the child’s eyes. In the same vein, don’t ‘curry favour’ with your child in matters of behaviour. Obviously you will be loving and caring towards your child, but don’t try to ingratiate yourself by ignoring or endorsing bad behaviour. Your guidelines for good behaviour are essential and reasonable. Explain why you have asked your child to do something or have stopped them from doing something. That is sufficient.

Expect to be disliked sometimes by your child, and don’t take it personally. Enforcing boundaries is an integral part of successful parenting. It shows your child that you love and care for him or her enough to go out of your way to make sure they behave. It is far easier to give in to or ignore unacceptable behaviour, but that will send your child the message that you can’t be bothered to enforce discipline and therefore don’t care. Clear and consistent boundaries, put in place and enforced through the 3Rs, create a healthy, loving and respectful environment in which your child will flourish and become a credit to you.

Cause and effect

At this age your child will be assuming more and more responsibility for him or herself, and for his or her behaviour. It is very important that your child understands the consequences of his or her actions – cause and effect. So many of the children I foster with behavioural issues have lived in a bubble (as their parents do), going through life with total disregard for the consequences of their actions, in respect of others and society at large. It can come as quite a revelation to the child that what he or she does has an effect, positive or negative, on another person, and that he or she is solely responsible for that effect. They will learn this if you show them that good behaviour equals praise and bad behaviour equals a sanction.

It is relatively easy to notice and praise your child’s positive actions, and easy for your child to accept the acknowledgement of his or her good behaviour – ‘Thank you, Tom, that was very kind of you,’ perhaps said when Tom held a door open for you. Or tidying up his bedroom on the first time of being asked – ‘Well done, Tom! You’ve done a great job. That looks so much better.’ Or perhaps your child went out of her way to draw a less confident child into a game – ‘That was very thoughtful of you, Claire. Well done.’ The list of your child’s little actions that require praise will be endless, but it is important (without going over the top) that your child knows you are aware of his or her positive behaviour and that you are very pleased.

However, while children are happy to acknowledge and accept the effect of their positive actions, many are less happy to accept responsibility for their negative actions, even dissociating themselves from them to the point of lying. So that when you present Tom or Claire with their negative behaviour they might say, ‘It wasn’t me,’ or ‘It just happened,’ or ‘I don’t know who did it,’ when they were clearly responsible. I call it the Mr Nobody syndrome, and in my house, Mr Nobody could be held responsible for rather a lot if I let him. It is not helpful for a child of any age to believe that he or she can escape the consequences of his or her negative behaviour by either denying he or she did it or side-stepping the issue with ‘I don’t know,’ ‘I can’t remember’ or ‘It just happened.’ This is clearly a cop-out and needs to be addressed.

Taking responsibility for bad behaviour

By the time we are adults we should have learned to recognise and take responsibility for the consequences of our actions and be able to learn from our mistakes. If we haven’t, we become self-deceiving and selfish entities, ultimately functioning outside the moral laws of society and, in extreme cases, sent to prison, with a judge allotting the responsibility that we failed to take. Denial can easily become a habit and so much a part of our lives that we lose sight of what is real, replacing it with our own self-deluding perspective. Children in the five-to-eight age group will ‘try it on’ and can be quite clever at avoiding the consequences of their negative actions. But this is the time such behaviour needs dealing with, before denial becomes ingrained and a habit, when it will be more difficult to reverse.

Obviously you must be certain your child is responsible for the negative act; if not, give him or her the benefit of the doubt – ‘Tom, I hope it wasn’t you who pulled Sandra’s hair. It would have been a very cruel thing to do,’ which lets Tom know that you are aware of what has happened and that you have your suspicions. If Tom is guilty, then he will hear your warning and take note, and if he wasn’t then his conscience is clear and no harm has been done.

If you are certain your child is responsible for some negative behaviour but he is vehemently denying it, then tell him he is responsible and how you know, with the consequence of how he will help put it right – ‘Tom, it was you who put the roll of toilet paper down the toilet. There is no one else in the house. Now you will come and help me get it out.’ The lesson will be more readily learnt and last longer if Tom corrects the wrong he has done.

If your child is not denying the action but dissociating himself from it by saying, ‘It just happened,’ and assigning his actions to a highly improbable act of God, then say, ‘Things don’t just happen, Tom. That black marker pen didn’t fly off the table and scribble itself on the wall.’ It is OK to inject some humour in the way you phrase it: Tom will still get the message, particularly when he spends valuable playing time cleaning off the mess. He will also take note that you are not as easily fooled as he might have thought, and that disassociating himself from an action doesn’t work. If when you ask who did something, your child says ‘I don’t know’, then you can pointedly say, ‘I do, and I don’t want it happening again,’ reminding him of the sanction if it does happen again. He will get the message, and also make note of, and respect, your insight.

If your child persists that it wasn’t him (or her), and it ‘just happened’, or he ‘doesn’t know’ anything about the incident, and you are certain that he is responsible and is therefore lying, don’t enter into a debate of ‘It was you,’ ‘No, it wasn’t,’ which children of this age are very good at. Just say firmly, ‘Tom, there is black marker pen on the wall and I don’t want it happening again, or I’ll put the pen away for good. That is the end of the matter. Do I make myself clear?’ And make sure it is the end of the matter by walking away or busying yourself with some task if Tom is about to argue the point.

Dealing with denial can be very frustrating, but don’t shout and fly into a rage, as this will make your child close up and become more resistant to owning up to a negative action in the future. If you are dealing with a very serious issue that you need to get to the bottom of – for example, bullying or money going missing from your purse – and Tom (or Claire) has completely closed up, aware it is a bad act and he is guilty, you can say, ‘Tom, I am not going to be angry, but I need to know. Did you take money from my purse for those sweets you are eating?’ As Tom has been reassured that you won’t be angry he is more likely to own up, although his admission of guilt is likely to be a slight nod of the head rather than a loud yes. Accept this and don’t push for any further admission by demanding, ‘Pardon? I can’t hear you. What did you say?’ Calmly explain why the act was wrong and why it mustn’t happen again, and impose an appropriate sanction.

In the case of money being taken from your purse, you can say, ‘Tom, thank you for telling me; that was the adult thing to do. It is wrong to take something that doesn’t belong to you. You should have asked for money or waited until pocket-money day. I think it is only fair you pay the money back.’ Then stop the amount Tom has taken from his pocket money. It’s not harsh: if Tom is to learn, he needs to feel the effect of his negative actions, and appreciate that stealing is morally wrong.

Remember, the more rationally and consistently you deal with your child’s errant behaviour, the more readily the child will own up, accept responsibility and learn from his or her mistakes. This encourages not only honesty but a healthy, mature personality, which will see him through life. Obviously if a child persists in some serious negative behaviour – for example, stealing or bullying – then further sanctions need to be applied until the behaviour is eradicated. I’ll say more of this later in Chapter 6.

Big Fish in a Little Pond: 9–11 (#)

In the nine-to-eleven age group your child will be one of the older children at primary school, aware of, associating with and influencing many of the younger children. When your child first started school, he or she was one of the little ones – a small fish in a big pond. Now he has grown to become a big fish in a relatively small pond, with the rank, kudos and admiration of those younger. Your child will be aware of and enjoying his status and this will be reflected in his behaviour – both positively (with him setting an example) and negatively (with him challenging your rules).

When your child compares you

Your child’s growing independence and self-reliance will become more obvious now, together with the development of his or her individuality. At this age your child’s peer-group friendships will be very important, and with these comes a growing pressure to conform to the peer-group norm. At the same time, this age group begins to see their parents as fallible human beings rather than awarding them near god-like status as younger children do.

Your child will be spending more time playing independently and away from you – in friend’s houses, sleeping over, possibly playing in parks, as well as at school, clubs and out-of-school activities. This widening experience and growing sense of self-reliance will encourage your child to make comparisons between what happens at home regarding your rules and expected standards of behaviour and what happens in the homes of friends. Some of what your child sees, and the comparisons he or she makes, will be advantageous to you, supporting and reinforcing your rules for good behaviour, while other observations and comparisons may not. These comparisons, together with your child’s growing realisation that you are fallible, will lead your child to question and challenge you, your ideals and how you run your household. And what is discouraged or forbidden in your house will seem very enticing and ‘better’ when your child sees it being allowed in the family of one of his friends.

This lure of the forbidden will continue, in one form or another, into the teenage years, as your child’s world widens further and he or she compares the differences in expectations he or she sees. It is healthy for your child to be noticing these differences, but clearly it doesn’t mean you have to change or adapt your way of doing something, despite your child’s forceful argument that you should. The fact that André is allowed a small glass of diluted wine with his meal, or that Melissa doesn’t go to bed until 10.00 p.m., or that Robert has twice the amount of pocket money Tom does, or that James calls his mum and dad by their first names, is not a sign you are stuck in a Victorian time warp: it just shows that other equally respectable and well-functioning families do things differently. There is no need for you to change your house rules, unless, of course, after consideration, you believe you could learn something from the way another family does something and your rules could be changed for the better.

Getting the balance right

One of the biggest challenges for parents of a child of this age is getting the balance right. Of course we want to give our children the space and freedom to develop as confident individuals, but we also need to keep them safe and guide them to acceptable behaviour, not only for their own benefit but for the benefit of society at large. I am talking now about the average child, from a well-functioning, loving family and developing normally, with socially acceptable behaviour, and not the very challenging child who hasn’t had support and guidance and is out of control.

All households do things a little differently and there is nothing to say that the way one family approaches child-rearing gives a better balance than another. It is a sign of your child’s growing maturity and reasoning mind that he or she has noted the differences and has presented them to you; however, it can be very undermining to parent’s confidence to be continually hearing that they haven’t got the balance right and other parents have in respect of what children should be allowed to do.

It is important you listen to what your child tells you – what Simon, Rajitha, Melissa or Aisha are allowed to do that is different or forbidden in your house. Your child has the intelligence and understanding to have considered the differences and feels sufficiently confident to approach you, but he or she will be sounding you out – watching for your reaction, and wanting to hear your opinion as to why your way is right. Although it might seem that your child is simply trying to agitate you and possibly being confrontational, to begin with assume that he or she not.

When Tom says,‘Pete’s mum lets him take the dog for a walk in the evening all by himself,’don’t hear,‘Pete’s mum is better/nicer than you, and Pete likes his mum more because she is more liberal and lets Pete do what he wants.’That is not what Tom is saying. Tom is presenting this difference to you so that he can hear why he can’t take the dog for a walk by himself after dark, and part of him will already know the reason. He is not saying you are wrong: he wants to hear why you are right.

Don’t immediately lose the plot and snap,‘Well, you’re not taking our dog out. And that’s that!’This will just put Tom on the defensive and make him feel you are less approachable in the future. Say something like, ‘Isee. I think Peter is a bit young to be taking the dog out by himself after dark. I really don’t think it is safe.’The forbidden can seem very attractive to a child of this age (and older), particularly when Tom hears Pete boasting about his nocturnal adventures at school the following day. But the chances are that Tom doesn’t think it’s safe either, and despite the idea of dog walking alone after dark seeming initially enticing, he would be horrified if you sent him out the door with the dog in the dark. It’s quite possible that Pete isn’t that keen on taking the dog out for its evening walk in all weathers either, but it is one of his chores, before his dad gets home from work and while his mother is busy bathing his younger sibling.

What Tom wants to hear from you is the reason for your decision, whether it is in respect of dog walking, meals in front of the television, bedtime or anything else. Tom may even repeat your reason to Pete (giving it his stamp of approval) the next time Pete boasts about his dog walking, although Tom won’t admit he has done so to you. Children question their parents, but it is surprising just how loyal they are when interacting with their peer group.

If Tom questions you about your decision – and it’s incumbent upon him at this age to do so – it is probably because he wants to hear why you have made the decision you have, nothing more.‘So what age can I take the dog out alone?’he may ask, which you and your partner should consider and make a decision on. If Tom really does want to take your dog out alone (or whatever the issue is), and is not purely seeking reassurance for your decision, then consider a compromise. In the case of dog walking this would be one that maintains the balance between safety and independence; for example, Tom could take the dog round the block after school and before it is dark, as long as this is acceptable to you and in line with your decision on what is safe.

If Tom is really challenging you and persists with‘Why not? Pete does,’etc., and you have explained your position and explored the alternatives (i.e. dog walking earlier in the evening), then restate your position and call an end to the matter, using the 3Rs. Don’t get into further debate: you are the parent and you have made your reasonable decision through your Request. Now Repeat –‘Tom, I have explained why and that is an end to the matter.’If Tom persists, like a worn-out record, then walk away and busy yourself with something else. If he follows you and continues, Repeat and Reaffirm, warning him of the sanction if he persists.‘Tom, that is enough now. If you mention it again you won’t be going to football club.’When a child persistently challenges you on the same point it is not only very wearying for you but designed to wear you down so that you give in and change your mind, so doing what Tom wants. This is disrespectful on Tom’s part, and if he is allowed to get away with it, it will have a knock-on effect on your authority and discipline in the future.

Deal with any challenges as individual incidents and don’t cross-reference them by reminding Tom of other times he has challenged you. Once you have made your decision, stand fast, or else your child will gain unreasonable control.

Don’t compare your child

While it is all right for your child to make comparisons between you and other parents, don’t be tempted yourself to make comparisons between your child and other children. It will undermine your child’s confidence and build up resentment. ‘Why can’t you be like Simon? He is always so polite’ is an absolute no no, and also probably untrue: Simon may be ultra polite with you (children usually are with their friends’ parents), but it could be a very different story at home. Or ‘Aran does his piano practice every evening without being asked.’ Maybe, or more likely that’s what his mother has told you. Or ‘Suneetha likes to wear the pretty dresses her mother buys her. Why don’t you, Claire, instead of those jeans?’ Or ‘I’m sure Lisa wouldn’t speak to her mother like that!’ etc. It’s OK for your child to make comparisons, and you may find yourself comparing your child unfavourably, particularly on a bad day, but don’t ever voice your thoughts. Apart from making your child feel resentful, to do so will give him or her the message that you undervalue what he or she does do right, which will be a lot of things.

Likewise, don’t mention other children’s exam or test results, or dwell on their achievements – ‘Jasmine did so well getting her grade five in ballet’ or ‘I hear Sanjith is top of the class again.’ Pointing out excellence when your child may be struggling will undermine your child’s confidence and make him or her less likely to try new activities and skills. Praise your child for what he or she has achieved, even if it falls a long way short of what others have achieved and what you aspire to for your child. Your child has tried his or her best, and remember children shine in different ways.

Peer pressure – yours

When parents get together they like nothing more than to talk about their children – their offspring’s achievements and how they, the parents, successfully manage their children’s behaviour. It is natural for parents to do so: we are incredibly proud of what we cherish most, and we have been trumpeting our children’s achievements since they were babies. Pooling child-rearing experience can be useful, but don’t be swayed or intimidated by what you hear. I sometimes cringe when I hear a group of mothers (mothers do it more than fathers) expounding their brand of child rearing as being the only way, proved by the exemplary behaviour of their offspring.

If you have managed your child successfully until this age there is no reason to change your rules and guidelines unless you feel something might work better. There will already be additional pressure on you and your child at this age, as he or she approaches secondary school; make sure you don’t add to it by being persuaded into something by your peer group. The same applies to advice from any other well-meaning adult – friend or relative: you decide how to bring up your child, and if your strategies are working, stay with them.

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