Cathy Glass 3-Book Self-Help Collection

Whereas young children who have become unsettled by a move may become fractious, tearful and insecure – wanting to be in the same room as you all the time, for instance – older children (and it may surprise you just how old) can act out their insecurity through negative behaviour – being rude and challenging you. Although you should acknowledge what your child is going through, and give them lots of reassurance, moving is no excuse for their behaviour to deteriorate. Bad behaviour, as with all unacceptable behaviour, is best dealt with immediately, for it’s unlikely to disappear on its own, and will probably escalate.

A couple of years ago a friend of mine had to move to a smaller house, taking the last of her three children, who was still at home, with her. Her daughter was nineteen, and although the move meant she would be closer to her college, and that by using public transport she could still see her friends, you’d have thought the end of the world had come. She played up and acted out a treat, blaming her mother for everything that didn’t suit her and being very rude and confrontational. Her bedroom was too small (her mother swapped rooms so that her daughter had the larger one); she didn’t like the colour (her mother redecorated); the house was too far on the bus from her friends, so she couldn’t see them late in the evening (her mother bought her a car), and so on and so on. The daughter never once thanked her mother nor appreciated that the move was for their mutual benefit, as the lower rent meant there was more in the kitty for holidays etc. She rewarded her mother by refusing to speak to her, other than to criticise her, and began staying out all night, causing her mother further worry.

This went on for a whole year, leaving my friend very upset and feeling guilty, blaming herself for moving, although the move had been necessary. Eventually another friend pointed out to her that her daughter’s behaviour was unacceptable and that she (the mother) had no need to feel guilty, as she had acted in both their interests. There was quite a scene when my friend eventually found the courage to confront her daughter, who was by then appearing only to raid the fridge and collect clean clothes. My friend told her daughter that she appreciated that the move had been difficult for her but she wasn’t putting up with her unreasonable behaviour any longer. She gave her an ultimatum: toe the line or move out. Drastic, but it was a drastic situation, and at nearly twenty her daughter was quite capable of living independently.

The girl stormed out of the house without saying where she was going and disappeared for four days without contacting her mother, causing her even more worry. However, when she did return, having had time to reflect, she was a changed person. She apologised and settled down, and their relationship is even stronger now. My friend’s only regret is that she didn’t face up to, and deal with, the situation sooner, instead of letting it fester.

World events

With world events now so accessible and immediate – coming into our homes through live television, the internet, radio and newspapers – it is as well to remember the impact that seeing a disaster has on us, and even more so on our children. At one time, before live coverage of world events, the most shocking pictures we saw were stills of starving children in Africa, usually shown to raise money for famine relief, which were shocking enough. Now, through satellite television, we witness disasters across the world as they unfold, with the effect that we are closer, more involved. They have greater impact and stress on us. Very little appears to be censored, and what isn’t captured by the film crew is supplemented by witnesses’ camera footage taken on mobile phones. Not only do we often see the disaster actually happening but the cameras are there, for days on end, working with rescue crews as they dig bodies out of rubble, examine wreckage of crashed aeroplanes or mangled cars; or with journalists as they talk to survivors of terrorist attacks, or grieving parents of missing or dead children. Much of this is everyday news and children watch the news.

The impact these disasters have on children is greater than on adults. Children haven’t yet developed the desensitisation that adults have in order to protect them and allow them to cope with this continuous onslaught on our emotions. After the events of 9/11 and the Boxing Day tsunami, counselling lines were set up for those who had been affected by what they had seen on television. The lines were very busy and many of the calls were from minors.

While it is important our children are aware of world events, what they see needs to be age appropriate, and they shouldn’t have to witness more than their young minds can cope with. Don’t hesitate to switch off the news (even if it’s the early evening news) if you feel it is too upsetting and beyond your child’s ability to cope.

One boy I fostered, who was ten at the time, became so unsettled by the Beslan school hostage siege (which he had seen on the five-thirty children’s news) that he didn’t want to go to school, feeling that a similar thing could happen there. It took a lot of talking and reassurance to convince him otherwise.

Your child will have questions about what they have seen on television. It is important you answer their questions age appropriately. Discuss what they have seen and put it in perspective, giving lots of reassurance. Tsunamis, earthquakes and volcanic eruptions don’t, fortunately, happen every day; security has been tightened to prevent terrorist attack; travelling by plane remains one of the safest forms of travel; and you and your partner are safe drivers, so your child needn’t be concerned about an accident. The world we live in can be a very sad and difficult one and children shouldn’t have to cope with more than they are able, or they will become anxious, miserable and angry by carrying the weight of world suffering.

Other factors which can affect children’s behaviour

Any sudden or dramatic change in your child’s behaviour should be a warning that something is wrong and you need to find out what. Here are some possibilities, although the list is by no means complete:

* imprisonment of a parent or family member

* remarriage and the introduction of a step-parent (see Chapter 7)

* hospitalisation of a parent, family member or friend

* pressure from parents, siblings, school or peers

* bullying

* friendship fallouts

* starting school or nursery

* illness in the child or family

* watching challenging behaviour on television – often in children’s programmes

* puberty

* menstruation

* prescribed medication

* alcohol or drug abuse (see Chapter 9)

* lack of confidence

* depression

It is essential you take whatever time is necessary to find the cause of your child’s problem; then talk about it, be supportive and understanding, and give plenty of reassurance. But remember that whatever the reason, it is not an excuse for unacceptable or rude behaviour; it won’t help solve the problem or crisis, and will result in you both feeling upset, angry and frustrated. Keep in place the routine and boundaries as you work through any crisis together.

Siblings (#)

In a perfect world, the perfect family, with two parents and a throng of happy children, live together in harmony, with all the siblings playing happily alongside each other, sharing and being cooperative. In reality, raising two or more children can stretch parents to the limit, especially if the siblings are continuously bickering or even fighting. Some disagreement between siblings is natural and indeed positive, as it can teach the art of negotiation, which is required throughout life. But if your children go at it ‘hammer and tongs’ as soon as you leave the room, as well as draining your resources and creating a hostile atmosphere, it can make disciplining them more difficult. The techniques described in this book for guiding one child to acceptable behaviour can be successfully applied to siblings, but must be applied equally and fairly to all the children – natural, adopted, fostered and step. Much sibling rivalry stems from one child believing he or she is less important than another.

Reasons children fight

The reasons why siblings behave unacceptably and fight between themselves can be grouped as follows:

* Favouritism: a child feels a sibling (or siblings) receives more time and attention or is disciplined less, and is therefore loved more by the parents.

* Jealousy: a child is jealous of a new arrival – baby or stepbrother/sister.

* Physical factors: children who are bored, hungry or tired are more likely to become fractious and fight.

* Resentment: a child feels worthless when their achievements are compared to those of a sibling.

* Discipline: in families where there is little routine, poor boundaries and control, children are more likely to bicker and fight.

* Attention: siblings who are not given enough attention, either together or individually, are more likely to resort to bad behaviour to gain attention.

* Example: if parents argue and fight, the children will too.

* Unfair responsibility: if an older child is asked to take on too much responsibility for parenting younger children, resentment can build up.

Dos and don’ts of parenting siblings

Here are the golden rules for creating a positive environment in which all the children in the family feel valued. If each child feels recognised and valued as an individual (as an only child would feel), there will be less likelihood of resentment building and spilling out into anger, towards other siblings or the parents.

Don’t compare your children with each other. Comments such as ‘Tom always clears up his room/does his homework. Why don’t you, Claire?’ will build up resentment more quickly than anything.

Don’t label a child – ‘Tom has always been difficult/Claire’s very self-centred’: the label will stick.

Don’t give an older child too much responsibility for another child: both children will resent it.

Don’t have favourites or show favouritism, no matter how difficult one child is being.

Don’t tell your daughter you were hoping for a son, or vice versa.

Don’t make fun of a child in front of siblings or employ siblings to side with you when disciplining – ‘Isn’t Tom’s behaviour silly, Claire?’, won’t help your discipline, your relationship with Tom or Tom and Claire’s relationship with each other.

Don’t tell your children that their behaviour is uncontrollable, either individually or as a group, – ‘I don’t know what to do with you all!’ will seem to them like an achievement and engender more negative behaviour.

Do treat all children as individuals and equals; if you are prone to favouritism, keep a check on it.